Yes, Dear Reader. We enjoy those ‘in depth’ interviews as much as anyone else. But – BUT – we also enjoy the lighter side of music, too. We simply cannot go on any longer without knowing that Chris “Mr Chips” Bailey from Do Nothing sometimes enjoys holding a red rubber sausage.
What did you last dream about?
I generally have super intense dreams, which are often sort of comically horrible. Recently though, I haven’t been remembering any of them, which is unusual for me, and also inconvenient in regards to answering this particular question. Sorry! Let’s move on.
Which defunct band would you most like to reform?
Can I bring people back from the dead? If I can, then I’d get Harry Nilsson to do another Schmilsson-type record.
In terms of living people, I’d definitely be psyched if Ought got back together. Half of those guys are doing equally good stuff under the name Cola now, though.
What was the last thing you broke?
I chipped a plate mere moments ago and silently put it back in the cupboard. Other than that, probably a guitar string.
Have you ever won anything?
Now that you mention it, not really! Or at least nothing significant enough for me to remember it. Maybe in the next life.
What was your favourite subject at school?
Probably Art? That one definitely felt the most like, “Hey, this doesn’t feel like normal miserable school – are we def allowed to be doing this?”
Especially in the later stages of it, I remember being allowed a certain amount of freedom in terms of setting up somewhere and getting on with shit whenever I had the time. That was nice, cause looking back, I think the most tedious part of school (at least early on) is being made to do stuff you’re not good at. I don’t like not being good at things, which is particularly tricky for me because I’m not good at a lot of things. Once you get to the point where you’re able to focus on stuff that you actually have a knack for, you start feeling less useless.
What strength Nandos sauce do you order?
I think the “hot” one. I haven’t been in a long while, but me and my W I F E will occasionally order it at home when we can’t put ourselves through another pizza.
I do remember that when I used to go, I’d always fill the table up with bottles of all the other sauces they do. Later in this interview, I refer to myself as a “weird sauce guy”; I like sauce a lot.
If you had a pet elephant, what would you call it?
Bryony. Dunno why; first name that came in.
How punk are you out of ten?
Very un-punk. I remember us being referred to as “punks” in an article and finding the idea funny cause we’re really all quite timid regular dudes.
What was the first record you bought?
I’m pretty sure it was a CD, and it was Daniel Powter – the guy who wrote that “so you had a bad day” song. Not cool, but the truth.
If you had to be on a TV gameshow, which would you choose?
This theoretical scenario scares me a lot. I do not perform well under certain kinds of pressure.
That being said, Takeshi’s Castle.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Sadly not! I do turn into one, though, if I smoke even a tiny amount of weed.
What’s the silliest thing you own?
Somewhere in my desk, I have a red rubber sausage that I stole from someone’s house cause holding it calmed me down.
Have you ever had a nickname?
Doesn’t really count, but up until the age of around 16, everyone called me Christy. I was named after the folk singer Christy Moore. I sold out my individuality and shifted to Chris for an easier life, and now I yearn to be called Christy again, but I can’t unswitch the switch.
Also, once in a blue moon, our guitarist Kasper will call me “Mr Chips”. It’s a fun mobster guy style nickname, like Mr Knees or something. As far as I’m aware, it has nothing to do with chips themselves.
What is your favourite time of day?
Whatever time it is when you get a takeaway and watch TV. Either that or super late; I used to do a lot of writing then because the little studio room in the basement of that particular shared house was being used during the day. Also, every so often, I’ll have a night where I just watch films continuously til the morning, which is often a bit manic but a nice change.
If you could be best friends with a celebrity, you do not know, who would you choose?
Bob Mortimer feels like an obvious choice – maybe Kristen Wiig? Dunno why.
James Acaster probably already has to deal with a lot of people feeling like they know him because he’s so loveable, so I’ll spare him on this occasion.
What is the most irrational superstition you have?
I don’t think I have any! I have plenty of dumb, irrational thoughts like everyone else.
At some point, someone told me that if you leave plug switches on, they use power even if nothing’s plugged into them. That’s not a superstition, though, just misinformation.
What’s the best way to cook a potato?
Roasted? Although crisps have been cooked and they’re tasty
If you had to get a tattoo today, what would it be of?
I put a picnic bench together today, so I guess I’d get one of those on my tummy. I don’t own a drill, so it was a lot more tedious than it should have been. Weirdly I feel no sense of accomplishment from having done it.
What have you got in your pockets right now?
A scrunched-up page of picnic bench assembly instructions, my phone (duh), and one of those fruity vape things that apparently have dangerous amounts of lead and nickel in them.
Vape-related side story – Apparently, sometimes at clubs, representatives from a vape company will kick about on the dance floor during events with a particularly young crowd and give out free vape things. Is that not completely nuts? Surely that’s like a crusty old Marlboro rep in a big tall hat handing out cigarettes to the youth at a fucking roller rink or whatever. Anyway –
How far could you run if your life depended on it?
Not far. I mean, my life sort of does depend on it, in that exercise would help me live longer, and I’m not doing any of that.
If you could learn one skill instantly without needing to practice, what would you pick?
The piano. And for context, I typed that straight away / with no hesitation.
I can play it a bit; in fact, I played some of it on our upcoming record, but to be able to fully understand it would be insanely helpful. It bugs me that I’ll almost certainly never get around to doing it.
What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
No. No no non no non no no no.
You’re picking a 5-item breakfast. What’s in it?
I don’t tend to eat breakfast – I know it’s meant to be super important or whatever, but I just don’t do it. For some reason, I can’t face food for the first chunk of the day unless it’s a free hotel thing, in which case I’ll eat as much as possible out of some feeling of free food obligation.
Anywho, I like bagels a lot. I guess I’d have a bagel with some pretend bacon in it, coffee, orange juice, some kind of granola-esque cereal, and a big glass of brandy because this is imaginary, and nobody can say anything.
Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
If you had to live as an animal for one year, which animal would you pick?
My little furry dog, Mabel. She has a pretty easy ride, as far as I can tell.
What’s the stupidest lie you’ve ever told?
“Sure, I would love to answer some interview questions.”
Kidding – not sure; probably just some kind of panic lie to get out of trouble, which was then very quickly and easily proved to be false.
Have you ever been to a showbiz party?
Hahaha, not really. Although, bizarrely, I have now twice been invited to attend Celine’s menswear fashion show thing in Paris. There were a number of famous faces there; I only spoke to one of them, and sometimes I shudder with embarrassment when I think about it in the shower.
What’s one thing you can definitely beat the other members of your band at?
Honestly, I’m not sure there is anything. Actually, I could probably get them at a game of SKATE (like HORSE in basketball), but only because I don’t think any of them have ever set foot on a skateboard.
What is your earliest memory?
I generally have a pretty low-grade memory. I do, however, remember meeting my old best friend on the first day of reception. As I remember it, I was sitting playing with something on the floor, and he waddled over to me and told me a Santa Claus-related joke, and we both fell about giggling for a long time, repeating it over and over. We were best pals from then on until life just sort of happened, and now we don’t see each other very often anymore. He did message me yesterday, though.
If you could have a super power of your choosing, what would it be?
Surely teleportation of some kind. If anyone ever says flying, they’re underestimating how quickly things get old, and they’ll probably be sucked into a jet engine.
Who’s your favourite pop star?
Out of the more trendy ones, probably Mitski or Caroline Polachek. Out of the big ones, maybe Billie Eilish? Or Amerie – specifically for that one song, ‘1 Thing’, which has that wicked drum part. Does Florence, with or without The Machine, count? I remember digging that first album when I was younger.
What is the strangest food combination you enjoy?
I don’t mind the sweet-savoury thing; I dipped a burger in a milkshake once and didn’t hate it. I guess that’s not super crazy, though; people do that with fries all the time. The quirky answer would be “the flesh of my victims with the blood of my…” etc.
What’s your biggest fear?
I used to be pretty afraid of heights, but not so much anymore. I actually pretty severely lost it on a fuckin log flume once, sat next to my previously mentioned best friend when we were kids. He has had the good grace to never mention it since.
Nowadays, it’s probably being thrust into a situation where I have no way of hiding my secret idiocy. Not in everything, just in certain areas. I’m being dead serious, like a lack of knowledge about certain things that people would find totally bananas. Nobody must know.
If you won the lottery, what would you spend the cash on?
Boringly, probably musical stuff. Fancy studio, instruments etc. After that, I’d probably get myself a bunch of fancy suits. Then I’d go eat at all the fancy restaurants and come home to my new fancy house knowing that everyone hates me now.
What do you always have in your refrigerator?
Sauce. Of all kinds. I’m a weird sauce guy; I love sauce.
Are any of your lyrics secretly rude?
Haha, I don’t think so. The rude ones are sort of obviously rude. Although I’m sure that if I thought about it for even a moment longer, I’d find some thinly veiled insults in there.
Why are you like this?
Years of stress!
Do Nothing’s debut album ‘Snake Sideways’ is out 30th June.