Brighton punks GURU make some predictions for ‘the future’

Catch the band at online festival Homeschool this May Bank Holiday weekend.

Brighton punks GURU are hitting up all the trendy lockdown hobbies, like baking bread, baking banana bread… that’s pretty much it really, isn’t it? Have they watched Tiger King yet? We don’t know. What we do know however, is that they’ve got a killer set of predictions for later in the year. Want to know what’s gonna happen on 25th May? 28th June? 24th July? They have answers for all of it.

Hi Guru, how’s it going? Are you guys doing ok?

Hey, Dork! You know what, it’s not too bad. I mean despite the future of literally everything looking like it’s doomed and all that. We’re keeping our spirits high and trying to keep busy where we can. We’re locked in but not ready to murder each other just yet…

Everything feels a bit stressful at the mo’ doesn’t it, tell us some good news?

Good news? Mmm, I haven’t heard that in weeks. I miss good news. Not even Russell Howard has any good news. Genuinely though. I had to search for some to give to you. So, over a three week period, researchers sighted 36 blue whales in the waters around Antarctica compared to just 1 during the same time in 2018. They’re critically endangered but hopefully making a comeback!

What are you lot working on, are you able to write and record during lockdown?

Recording is pretty much out the window because we don’t have any equipment. We really should use this time to write, but it’s not easy to find the motivation right now. The odd idea here and there kind of thing. We do the majority of our writing together, and Todd lives the other side of town, so it’s proving difficult at the moment. We’re all itching to get going again, though. Saying that, we’ve been learning covers and trying to make something of that which we’ve never done before.

Do you have any fun hobby ideas we could steal from you?

Learn to cook. Unleash your inner Ramsay! It’s something we enjoyed anyway but have the chance to do it more with all this free time. Anyone can cook with practice, and there’s no excuse now! So put that microwave curry down, get some decent ingredients and get cookin, good lookin! It’s way easier than learning Spanish. Seriously, how many times have you really opened Duolingo since you downloaded it.

Have you resorted to making your own sourdough starter yet?

Funny you should say that. Ferg started one a while back but sacked it off. However, he’s been making bread like a baker in heat. This quarantine has given him the time to perfect his recipe and experiment with different flours! I know, it’s very exciting. Let’s talk about it some more over coffee. Kieran’s also been baking banana bread like it’s going out of fashion. Check his recipe on our Insta. More to follow on the socials on both these matters…

“We just have to play the waiting game until life returns to normal”

If you could pick up one new skill while self-isolating, what would it be?
Actually learning our instruments properly would be nice. Failing that, we’ve already begun our quest to break the Guinness World Record for the most times to appear in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Are there any musicians or albums that you gravitate to during tough times?

Nothing specific to be honest. We’re mostly gravitating to something more light-hearted, upbeat or relaxing. There’s generally been a lot of soul, funk and Motown playing through the flat. Tom has unfortunately rediscovered pop-punk but is also listening to a lot of Late Night Tales albums (his favourites being Bonobo, BadBadNotGood and Jon Hopkins). Khruangbin has been Ferg’s choice the last few days. It seems to calm him down. When he’s not baking banana bread, Kieran just sits and stares with white noise in his headphones. We leave him be. Todd is listening to… post-Soviet rap. I feel we should check in on him soon…

Do you have any predictions for later this year?

– May 18th: Trump announces the Presidential elections for 2020 are to be held off indefinitely and declares himself Supreme Ruler of the Western States.
– May 20th: Trump announces that every country in the world, must by the end of the week, choose whether they are with him, or against him. Those who sign what come to be known as the May Accords, are sworn into the United Western States.
– May 25th: Trump declares May 25th to be the ‘New Independence Day’ from “The Liberals”.
– May 26th: Trump declares war on “The Liberals”.
– June 28th: China begins to pressure the recently self-titled Supreme Ruler as to why he destroyed so much of the world in his war against “The Liberals”. Trump claims that it never happened, it wasn’t him and that it’s fake news – all within the same press conference. Later that day he blames CNN for the whole mess.
– July 15th: Putin challenges the Supreme Ruler to 12 rounds in the Octagon.
– July 24th: Trump finally faces off with Putin on top of Mount Rushmore. The rest of the world, bar Alex Jones and Joe Rogan, has been decimated. All that remains is Trump Tower, and a McDonalds drive-through in the south of Texas. Putin is defeated.
– January 28th, 2021: With a small loan of one million dollars, Trump begins to rebuild his empire.

Anything else we should know?

Yes but not anything we can share with you until this all settles down again, or our manager will be really angry. Things are in the pipeline. We just have to play the waiting game until life returns to normal.

GURU are taking part in new online festival Homeschool, which runs from 8th-10th May – visit for details.

Brighton punks GURU make some predictions for 'the future'

  • cover
    Dork Radio
Peace offer up a five-star evening of rock star swagger in London
Empire State Bastard have released a new single, 'Stutter'
Tove Lo has shared her new single, 'I Like U'