Important answers to important questions – introducing our ragtag crew of potential criminals.
Words: Jake Hawkes.
It’s tough, being a musician. Oh sure, from the outside it looks like it’s all Brit awards, champagne and sold out shows at Wembley, but here at Dork, we know better. For every big album release payday, there’s months of scraping by on cans of Red Stripe and discarded McDonald’s hamburgers. With that in mind, we’ve decided to give a little something back to the indie music community. How, we hear you cry? By lining all of our pockets with a daring heist, of course.
The only slight issue is that none of us here at Dork HQ have actually planned a heist before. For research, we sat down to watch the best early-2000s crime caper ever committed to film – Ocean’s 11. Our takeaway was that no grand casino robbery is possible unless you call in old favours, work your contacts and put together the ultimate team of skilled criminals.
Unfortunately, we don’t know any skilled criminals. What we do know is bands, and lots of ‘em. So without further adieu, here’s Dork’s handpicked casino robbing squad, destined to save the finances of the indie music scene or die trying.
ALEX RICE IS… Danny Ocean
Danny’s the frontman of the operation. The charisma, the big picture man able to smooth talk himself into (or out of) any situation he wants. Played by Clooney in the film, anyone we get is going to be a major disappointment. With that in mind, we’ve gone with everyone’s favourite Mick Jagger impersonator – it’s Sports Team’s Alex Rice.
ROB KNAGGS IS… Rusty Ryan
Brad Pitt’s role. Rusty is Ocean’s right-hand man, the details to his big picture thinking. Who better to keep Ricey on the straight and narrow than the current right-hand man of Sports Team, the bespectacled Rob Knaggs? No one, that’s who.
COURTING ARE… Linus Caldwell
The skilled pickpocket of the gang, who can con anyone or anything. Managing to pickpocket Sports Team’s sound while still throwing out one of the best EPs of the year so far has got to be some sort of con and/or deal with the devil, so for that reason, we’re giving this one to Courting.
LEWIS CAPALDI IS… Reuben Tishkoff
The money man. This one was tough, but out of all the former Dork cover stars, we reckon Lewis Capaldi is the one most likely to have a few million quid knocking about. Plus, it does feel like he might be up for a casino heist, doesn’t it?
GERARD WAY IS… Saul Bloom
The old pro brought out of retirement for one more job. Saul’s speciality is acting and disguise, which is why we’re bringing the legendary Gerard Way out of the shadows and into the casino for this one.
TOM JONES IS… Basher Tarr
The explosives expert. You don’t want an amateur dealing with munitions, so this one had to go to someone experienced in dealing not only with bangers, but also with bombs – sex bombs, to be precise. Yes, of course we’re bringing in Dork favourite, Tom Jones! What do you mean we’ve literally never mentioned him in the magazine before? We’re sure he’s in there somewhere…
LORDE IS… Frank Catton
The person on the inside, who knows the casino like the back of their hand. This one couldn’t be someone from the world of indie. We needed someone glamorous, who could blend in amongst the glitz of Las Vegas, but also knew their way around a pack of cards. We couldn’t think of anyone who knew card tricks, so we’ve gone with Lorde, because she always wins at poker with her ‘Royals’ flush. Geddit? (We’re not printing that – Ed.)
SYD MINSKY-SARGEANT IS… Livingston Dell
The tech whiz who can hack anything by typing randomly on a computer while unintelligible text scrolls across the screen – it’s got to be Syd Minsky-Sargeant from Working Men’s Club. Not that we’ve ever seen him use a computer, but have you heard that megamix he did? It must’ve involved a laptop or two.
OLIVIA RODRIGO IS… The Malloy Brothers (YES, BOTH OF THEM)
The drivers of the operation. There’s only one pop star who we’re 100% sure has a Driver’s License, and that’s Olivia Rodrigo. She also recently got a parking ticket, which means she’s already dipping a toe in the seedy criminal underworld, so won’t have any qualms about casino robbery. Right?
FKA TWIGS IS… The Amazing Yen
No crew is complete without an acrobatic circus performer who can get places that others can’t. Unfortunately, indie is not a world graced by many athletes, so this one was pretty tough. Luckily FKA Twigs has come to the rescue. Not only a brilliant musician, she’s also an accomplished dancer and acrobat – although no word on whether she’s ever hidden herself in a money cart in order to blow open the doors of a casino vault before.
Crack team assembled, we’re off to save the music industry and finally make enough money that we don’t have to write this magazine each month. See you all in Vegas?
Taken from the June 2021 edition of Dork, out now.