Being a pop star is a serious job. You can’t just walk through the door and get started. You need to have a proper interview first. This month’s applicant is Gabriel Byrde from YOWL. The board will see you now.
What can you tell us about yourself?
Hello. I’m Gabriel, and I sing in YOWL.
Why do you want to be a pop star?
Job security, a clear career ladder, healthcare. I’ve got some very important opinions on some very important issues that I’m desperate for everyone to hear too.
How would your bandmates describe you?
If you want to ask them yourself they’re contractually obliged to praise me; though well-contained, my ego remains too fragile to handle slander. For the good of the band, I surround myself only with sincere compliments and reassuring back slaps.
What are your best and worst qualities?
I usually pick a good meal deal. I can be quite a snotty person. I mean phlegm-wise. Not conceited.
What is your biggest failure?
I still can’t do the finger slap thing.
What accomplishment are you most proud of?
I managed to convince a crew of real musicians to play their instruments for me; instruments they spent years learning while I Googled how to make apple bongs and get rich quick schemes that never worked out. Bunch of suckers.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Sometimes I try to set myself monthly goals, and I still let myself down. In five years maybe I’ll finally get down to the bottom of my list. I had to bump this interview up pretty high thanks to your weird insistence on deadlines.
What is your salary expectation?
If we agree to gauge my contribution to society as somewhere between engineer and doctor we’re looking around a sweet 50k. Anything heavily taxable would be alright.
Honestly, the lack of a band-owned van seems to be our biggest hindrance at the moment, so if a company car’s on the cards, we’ll just take some wheels, please.
Taken from the July 2018 issue of Dork, order your copy below. YOWL’s single ‘Warm (In The Soft White Fire of Modern Living)’ is out now.