We all need a bit of romance advice now and again. To give us all a helping hand this Valentine’s Day, we’ve dug around the 2018 Dork archives to find one of our all-time Hall of Fame features – and quite probably the first time we realised that Sports Team weren’t just another indie band. Enjoy!
Photos: April Arabella.
You may have noticed today is Valentines Day. February 14th, same as every year. And, let’s be honest, you’ve fucked it up, haven’t you? Either you’ve not found that perfect gift or card yet, or you’re planning an evening in with Netflix and chilled dessert. But worry not, we’ve found an expert in the fine art of romance – Sports Team frontman Alex Rice. Follow his simple guide to the lexicon of love, and you’ll be a winner in no time. Possibly.
Ask your parents
They’ve been there. Before they had you, your parents were slamming sambuca shots and getting cosy in the back of their E Reg, Volvo Estate. They’re a valuable source of advice in the run-up to the big day.
No Wallet? No Problem
There are loads of low-cost alternatives to an expensive dinner date. Most bowling alleys won’t make you hire a second pair of shoes, so if your date is the same size as you just share between throws. Easy.
Set The Mood
You’ve lit the candles, filled up on bread and moistened your eyelids with some lynx Africa. There’s nothing like a romantic playlist to complete the set-up. Here’s a handy one straight from the love-locker. Use sparingly.
Dress to impress
Some of you lotharios are going be tempted to dye your hair week of the 14th. However cool you might think that looks, you’ll actually have made yourself thoroughly unemployable outside the Magic Circle (the bad one). Pretty silly, as your potential spouse is going to want to know that you’ve got what it takes to deliver the goods in the boardroom and the bedroom.
Relax, You’re Doing Great!
Take a deep breath. And another. If Keith Floyd could juggle a crumbling food empire with a five bottle a day habit, you can get through 40 minutes of chat at Nando’s.
A handy tip is to learn a few interesting facts before you get to dinner. You’ll be surprised how many times you can cite these verbatim over the course of a meal.
Try this as your starter arrives. ‘’A lot of people don’t know the difference between boiling, broiling and grilling. Well, grilling is the application of direct heat (like on a barbecue) whereas broiling is indirect heat (like putting something under your grill)’’
Don’t rush it
It might feel like all you’re doing is sitting around fashioning life size models of your favourite front-man, while everyone else is out there ‘getting it’. Don’t worry. We all face rejection sometimes, that’s what makes us stronger and how we get to know ourselves better. Every breakup is a step closer to finding the one!
Humour
Whoopee cushions, pulling your dates chair away, even just a bit of sniggering, it’s all good, and shows you’re up for a laugh. Your partner will find this really endearing, especially if coupled with erratic mood swings that show your personality’s full range.
Stay humble
Your date isn’t going to want to hear about your band every five minutes, so find subtle ways of turning the conversation towards it. ‘Being on stage is so weird right…?’ ‘’Used any nice pedals recently?’’ ‘’…That’s pretty cool. I’m in a band’’
If you’re still struggling, try to limit yourself to 10 minute intervals and just work from there.
Be your best self
It’s important you never say what you think or mean.
Stay safe
Really, the most important thing is always your safety. If you’re meeting someone you’ve only met online make sure you tell a friend where you’re off to, and if you feel uneasy tell a member of staff.
Seriously though, have fun. I’ll be at Sporting Clube de Londres, tucking into a steak tower on V-day if anyone’s feeling lonely.
Originally published in February 2018. Sports Team’s debut album ‘Deep Down Happy’ is out now.
