Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible

Epic Rap Battles of History Alexander the Great Versus Ivan the Terrible, begin Look alive, crème de la Kremlin's arriving Try to serve Ivan, no surviving You're a Land Rover, I'm a land expander Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander I'll school you like Aristotle Smack you harder than you hit that bottle You're nothing but an overrated lush, I'll crush ya I'm the first tsar of all of Russia You're an asshole with an anastole I'm heaven-sent, divine and holy So don't even try to approach the God Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgorod Hey, fella, swell diss But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed Stepping up's foolish, as well as useless Little Vasilyevich, let me spell out the list I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia Breezed through Gaza to Giza Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq And Pakistan in my expansion pack While you died in the middle of a game of chess You got vodka bars flavorless And what I'm 'bout to spit will be the craziest So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed Kudos, Greek for the glory I got From winning every single war that I fought So this will be straight-forward I'll take up this sword that I brought And slice you in half like the Gordian knot And I'll soar to the top like the eagle Whose feather I would sport in the helmet that I wore As I swatted my many enemies, shattered 'em like a porcelain pot And they'd be praying for the torture to stop (ah!) But I would leave 'em contorted, and they'd be screaming and roaring Until their vocal cords were torn up and shot And I would holler, "Bucephalus", hop on my horsey and trot I win, Ivan, I vanquish, I'm an immortal, you're not Enough I don't stand a chance against your skills На здоровье, a drink to your victory Yes, I will It seems no one can defeat me I weep, it's all so easy Ooh, what's wrong? I feel a bit queasy Ha, you've been poisoned Oh, the pain is unbearable My stomach's riddled with holes Ugh, I'm terrible There's no great who could defeat this Russian Psst, what about a flute-busting Prussian? (Old Fritz, Old Fritz) (Old Fritz, Old Fritz) (Old Fritz, Old Fritz) (Old Fritz, Old Fritz) I'm Frederick the Great, out the gate, first servant of state Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight I've got creative talents and battle malice Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace Russia's fucked up, but no wonder why With your tundras and taigas and bears, oh my I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes If I had to look at your troll face every night Now, bring me my chair I'm weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red Square Fought a Seven Years' War, I ain't scared of a tsar 'Cause beating you only took me 12 bars Oh, what a humiliating defeat I know when I am beat So, of course, take a seat I'd keep ripping you to shreds, but I'll take a break instead And just rest my little head, why don't you drop dead, Fred? Hmm, my expectations were a lot higher But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire It's another great day and another great victory 'Cause no great can beat me What about me, Pompey? Yeah Macedonians, Prussians, and Romans Those aren't worthy opponents It takes a Russian to take down a Russian I'm Cath, I'm a cat, you're a rodent How are you the head of our state When the state of your head was such a crazy one? Such sick shit going through your brain That you stuck a spike through your own son (ooh) You're unbalanced, like I unbalanced The European powers with the wars I waged I brought the Russian Empire Straight out the olden days and right into the golden age I'm the boss bitch that you just can't meddle with This whole battle's like Alaska, 'cause I settled it Mmm, what a beautiful queen to beat me in a battle "Accept this gift, Your Highness", I hear you Enjoy the saddle That horse story is a pile of shit Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit But you're never gonna get it, нет Couldn't spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off Bringing sexy back to House Romanov So don't call me "Queen", I'm far more great Empress to tsar 8, bitch, checkmate Who won? Who's next? You decide Epic Rap Battles of History