The Thieves Banquet

[Intro: Akala (speaking)]

Once upon a time in an obscure part of the Milky Way Galaxy, there was a spinning ball of water and rock ruled by the forces of evil

The Devil himself, proud of the magnificent achievements of his children, decided to call a special banquet for the greatest thieves in all the land

He sent invites to thousands of the greatest murderers, rapists and general-assorted scum, inviting them to attend his palace at the dawn of the new moon

Each thief would be given a chance to stake his claim as the greatest messenger of murder upon the planet, and the Devil himself would then decide who should be crowned king

After many days of deliberating, all of the petty thieves, such as street criminals, have been found far short of the required level of wickedness and there were just four sets of thieves left in the competition

They were: the monarchs of empire, a cartel of bankers, the heads of religious orders, and the third-world dictators. Each set of thieves appointed a spokesman to give his case to the Devil We have recorded these events for posterity

[Verse 1 Intro: Akala]

Uh, listen

Uh, okay, yo

First up was the thief of the worst reputation

Dictator of a third-world nation

He looked the Devil in the eye as he spoke

In an oh-so-serious tone

[Verse 1: Akala (as the Third-World Dictator)]

Dear Mr. Devil, I am the greatest thief there has ever been on Earth

Please tell me who else more than me personifies your work

I came to power in a military coup, I murdered the elected president

He wanted to use the resources of our country for our peoples’ benefit

I proved to masters in the West I could kill my own people just as well as the best

So I took over the so-called independent country when the foreigners left

Sent squads of death to those who would suggest

In power should be the one they elect

Erected a statue of the great man

That raped our mothers, stole our lands

That’s how little self-respect I have

Don’t fight slavery, it makes me glad

Account in Switzerland, Rolls Royce

Murder and rape 'cause I want new toys

Don’t want a portion, a whole fortune

With that profit, what’s a little bit of torture

Even outlawed my indigenous culture and language and history

And taught our people to only worship colonizers and of course, me!

[Hook]:

Thief!

It’s the banquet of the thieves!

Come and dine with me!

It’s the banquet of the thieves!

The banquet of the thieves…

[Verse 2 Intro: Akala]

The Devil was so impressed with this wonderful man

He almost ejaculated on his hands

But the monarch of the empire said

[Verse 2: Akala (as the Monarch of Empire)]

Excuse me, Mr. Devil, I’d like to speak if I may

Who do you think trained this amateur dictator to behave this way?

Yeah, I’m sure before I came along his country was far from Heaven

But look of the carnage I caused all over the Earth, it’s got to be the work of the Devil

Countless deaths, mass enslavement

Deliberate starvation of whole nations

The dictator tries his best, but looking at me, he’s just an imitation

Who do you think pays his wages?

He would love to be trading places

I’ve been doing this ting on the roads

Way back, way back, way back

Since the Middle Ages

Everybody knows he’s a criminal element

They think I’m democratic and benevolent

And that shows that I’m really devilish

'Cause people think I’m heaven-sent

I couldn’t care about democracy

You all know no one elected me

The people love me despite my crimes

Sucka MCs wanna bite my shine

So blingin’ out of control you would vomit

Don’t even touch dough, but my face is on it!

[Hook]

Thief!

It’s the banquet of the thieves!

The banquet of the thieves…

[Verse 3: Akala (as the Head of Religious Orders)]

I’m a pervert who’s in the cloak of the clergy

Yes, I’m a pervert who uses the cloak

I’m a despicable character

I use my position of authority and spiritual reverence

I’m a despicable character

Mr. Devil, allow me to speak

For all of the religious leaders that leech

In the world of creeps, I’m initiated

I take the peoples’ faith and dissipate it

With false promises, hollow oratory

Don’t need a gun, it’s daylight robbery

Dear Mr. Devil, I thought you would like it

How I use their faith in God to keep them blinded

Put on a nice voice, read them a book

And they believe that I'm not a crook

Tell them God will repay them in the next

They give me their life savings so I can buy jets

All the reports about child sex

None of us have ever gone jail yet

This system of stealing, so appealing

Convinces the victims their lives have meaning

Monarchs boast about conquest but needed my blessings to get it done

And all of the dictators use my books, therefore, they are just my sons

[Verse 4 Intro: Akala]

The Devil was sure this was the winner

And was just about to put an end to the dinner

But then the man from the banking cartel

Stepped up and said

[Verse 4: Akala (as the Cartel Banker)]

I think I’m the biggest sinner

All of those three depend on me

All they ever do is defending me

'Cause I paid for all of the things they have

Of course, and all of the lives they lead

Paid for the guns, bombs and the tanks

That’s why you see, there is always more

I turned science’s basic appliance

Into a client of weapon and war

Paid for monarchies, armed robberies

I make monopolies out of property

Never shot a gun nor killed anyone myself

But billions die cos of me

Who needs a threat? I make a debt

Out of thin air, just sit back and collect

Every single day, whatever they say

The people need me just to connect it

None of them knows what I look like

Yet all of them spend my money to look nice

They want more, no one’s pure

I hold the keys to every single door

Sell sex and drugs, profit and lies

Earth and skies, I’ll even sell life

I’ll even sell freedom for the right price

But no one is smart enough to ask me nice

So Mr. Devil, give me the medall, don’t be biased

If you don’t give it to me, I’ll just buy it!

[Hook]:

Thief!

It’s the banquet of the thieves!

Come and dine with me!

It’s the banquet of the thieves!

The banquet of the thieves…