Hands On Experience

[Verse 1: Mr. Eon]

Girls, girls, girls, girls

My right hand I adore

Spankin' on my sheets 'til I can't cum no more

I'm on a five-a-day plan, then I'm switchin' hands

Not really carin' where my sticky white lands

I'm half-asleep, you can call me Captain Kleenex

'Cause I be cummin' on quilts until my dick wilts

Then I'm in the shower, Jergens and Vaseline-a

Right named Palmer, left hand Wristina

Like the Artifacts, I "C'mon Wit Da" cum on

Might jerk at work, lookin' up too many skirts

I nut on puffs after I huff the Dutch

The ten pack pocket tissue comes in the clutch

So put on the Kristy-Kenya video

That's four nuts a day, and one more to go

[Verse 2: El-P]

Check, check, check, check

Dear Sir

I have been an avid reader of your magazine for many years now

But up until today I haven't had an experience as really worthy of this column

The solo jux avidly have to repeat

I felt weak, felt like we were havin' sex for a week

I wanna spark the bottle, wack it, but I don't have a sheet

So inevitably I pull out of the pocket

Just for an example that I'm huggin up a plug wit' no socket

Now how soundly she slept while I fume

Vexed about the fact I couldn't nut off

Pent up, balls blue, painful

I know that when woke she's disdainful

Time to come up wit' Plan D for Desparation

Pulled out the love monkey and shot off to the titties' location

At least in that direction

Upon further inspection, she awoke splashed in the head section

Shook by the goblety goods

[Scratch Break: DJ Mighty Mi]

"Think-I-think I gotta" [Q-Tip]

"Just beat it" "Jerkin' your jimmy but you still can't come off" [Edo.G]

"I thought I had it in the palm of my hand" [Kangol Kid, UTFO]

"Just give me the pussy and I'll be straight

If you don't, fuck it I'll masturbate" [Eazy-E]

[Verse 3: Mr. Eon] *rapping in kiddy voice*

All day I like to stroke it, then I poke it

And be like "ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, are you alive, little man?

Got Hands On Experience 'cause I jerk alot

Exotic hand creams, that's what I got

And a porno collection about the size of Jada Sulton

When I purchase movies, it's usually out in Fulton

Then I take it home and spank it, and wipe it with a napkin

Yo, I love to jerk like ? love to hack

And maybe it's a must like a kitty cat's purr

I've been known to fuck my girl than jerk off next to her

Keep it real, yo, yo, Bob, stop, stop jerkin' and come do your lyrics

[Verse 4: Bobbito]

I go solo wit' my hand, so you can call me Han Solo

Slap my skins, so they call me Bobby Bongos

Auto-matic, just for my pee-pee

Hit a vital nerve, lick her tits, curve

Jergens Dry, no lotion for my hand motion

Don't cry, dry your eye

Here's a towel, my hands move like constipated bowels

I shoot extra far if a girl talks foul

Choke my chicken, slap my wanker

A girl lets me watch her with her

Tits out while I'm spankin', then I'll thank her

Ah, check it out, I'm harder than the hardest artist hard can get

KBL in the place, workin' a sweat

Doin' beats, strokin' off until the Twinkie gush

Until they amputate my hands, I won't sweat the puss

Unless she wants to, then I'll worry about gettin' the monster

So I'd rather avoid the unwanted pregnancy

The headaches of an emotional attachment

I live my own fantasy world where anything goes

Besides the longer I go without sex

The closer bobbin' my boloney comes to feelin like the real thing

Think twice about walkin' barefoot on my bedroom floor

Yo Mi, hit me up wit' a magazine

I'm goin' to bed, man, I'm out