I was just general gobby smartarse. As a punishment one term, my history teacher made me teach three lessons on the Munich Beer Putsch. I made PowerPoints, worksheets - the lot. Don’t know if I proved her point.

Cheese and onion sandwich, Pickled Onion Monster Munch, ginger beer. Don’t arse around with trends. You can so easily fall in love with a seasonal Sainsbury’s sandwich. No use enjoying brie and cranberry now when it’ll be gone in January. I need commitment.

If you could learn one skill instantly, without needing to practice, what would you pick? I’d love to be an absolute shark at pool. I have this vision of walking into a provincial pub late at night, like Clint Eastwood, and utterly pantsing the local gammons at pool. What was the last thing you broke? A heart! No. Musical equipment, but not on purpose. I treat them like a toddler with fine china. Synthesizers. Drumsticks. Tambourines. I play them like hammers.

If you had to play a character in a regional pantomime, who would you be? Prince Charming, obviously. Unless I’d be the naff celebrity appearance? Like when Anton du Beke plays an ugly sister? Ah, actually I wouldn’t mind that. What is your tea bag of choice? Not arsed. As long as it’s with one and half sugars. Is there anything you're brilliant at, but nobody else knows? Singing. What is the worst job you’ve ever done?  I did an internship at Dork magazine once. Bloody hell. Never again. I was Jamie’s footstool. I had to speak only in rhyme and wear the PE kit, too. Have you ever been thrown out of somewhere? Stonehenge. 2018. Wasn’t just for a protest or anything, me and Harvey (our video director) just wanted to get a bit closer. There’s a picture of us on a wall somewhere on a line-up, like convicts. Do you believe in aliens? There’s obviously something out there. A God, other life, galaxies, whatever. But there’s pubs in my own town I haven’t even been to, so I’ll focus on those first. Have you ever been mistaken for someone else? Damon Albarn. What's a boring fact about yourself? That I don’t really look like Damon Albarn. If your next release had to be sold exclusively in one high street shop, which would you choose? Robert Dyas. They need a hand. What's the silliest thing you own? When we were walking home from Stonehenge that day, I nicked a ‘300 yards to Stonehenge’ roadsign. Cosmic, man. What's the most valuable lesson you've learned from a mistake? Don’t burn garlic. If you could have any superpower, but it only worked while you were sneezing, what power would you choose? To have mucus made of Carling. What is the most irrational superstition you have? Triple drains. Jacob’s just told me if he looks at his phone whilst watching Man United play, they concede. If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose? Debenhams.

Have you ever won anything? Front cover of Dork magazine. I entered a church raffle for it. Man/Woman/Chainsaw were fuming. They’d bought 5 tickets each. What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? This interview. We’re outside a pub, and I’m freezing. If you had to have one word tattooed on your face, what word would you have? Umbro. If you could be best friends with a celebrity you do not know, who would you choose? Olivia Rodrigo. But I can’t promise I wouldn’t fall in love. What do you always have in your refrigerator? In my FRIDGE, you mean. Coleman’s Mustard. What's the least amount of money you would take to eat a dead worm? 500 arcade tickets at Hollywood Bowling, Eastleigh. I want that massive Pudsey. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to try? Madonna. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Madonna. If you could time travel to any era, past or future, where would you go? 1840s, when steam traction first began. Imagine those farmers in Darlington seeing the first-ever train go past. The first ever THING to travel more than 20 miles an hour. Or, the opening of the M1. Which member of your band would make the best substitute teacher, and for what subject? Matt, guitarist, science teacher. Just a hunch. Would look excellent in a lab coat. How punk are you out of ten? If we’re talking original punk, zero, because I cut my nails and clean my socks. If it’s modern, indie-sleaze, post-punk, then also zero, because I know how to write a melody. Have you ever seen a ghost? I saw The Stone Roses at T in the Park 2016. If you could only eat one type of cheese forever, what would it be? Red Leicester. What a colour. ‘Neon Brown’. Why are you like this? Too much Red Leicester. Taken from the February 2025 issue of Dork. Sunflower Bean's EP 'Shake' is out 27th September.