I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks

If your ass is a Chinese restaurant I'll have the poo-poo platter My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class Later in the afternoon some jarheads In the locker room kicked my ass I said, "Guys I'm like you, I like Monster Trucks too Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?" I just wish I was queer so I could get Chicks dig guys that are Queer guys that don't dig Chicks that don't dig guys like me See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly But if I were handsome just imagine How great it would be Incognito as gay though but not actually That way though pseudo homo phony Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity But if I was a queer bee in the fashion industry Scoring with a super model would be easy 'Cause super model means voluptuous But is also is synonymous with super dumb You see I'd be a good listener So she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd become That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair No, it wouldn't be a week before I'm in her underwear I wish I was queer so I could get Chicks dig guys that are Queer guys that don't dig Chicks that don't dig guys like me See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim It's what's in my genes The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat Is made by Jimmy Dean See I'm not too keen on the smell of Vaseline No, I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen I wish I was queer so I could get chicks Anyway if I were gay I'd have to Change my name to Dirk or Lewis Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip He's got a lisp he talks like this And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet I wish I was queer so I could get Chicks dig guys that are Queer guys that don't dig Chicks dig guys that are Queer guys that don't dig Chicks dig guys that are Queer guys that don't dig Chicks that don't dig guys like me See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly And I don't shave my heiny Don't shave my heiny See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly And I don't shave my heiny Don't shave my heiny See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly And I don't shave my heiny Don't shave my heiny See I'm not queer, I'm too ugly