THE PROFESSIONAL

I am currently seeking employment. I am a professional holiday girlfriend. I have great references and highly impressive past work experiences. I have been featured in 7 family holiday photos: —6 Christmases —and 1 Hanukkah. Specialties include my “famous brownies.” I will: —do the dishes —look through baby photos with your mother —have a long list of baby names to suggest for the child we will never have but your grandmother will pitifully dream about us having before she dies. I have: —plenty of clean, respectable dresses —drinking games to impress your cousins. World-class gift giver and wrapper (it’s easier to nail it when you only ever have to give one gift). In one particularly extraordinary history, I made a baby blanket from scratch for a relative who was expecting. I will never complain about missing my family’s festivities for your own, and I will accept contract termination by spring. I am 5’4” with a perfectly straight smile (dental records included, no history of braces) and I will ll any empty space in your family photo. Please respond before autumn.