The Beer

The beer I had for breakfast was a bottle of Mad Dog And my 20/20 vision was fifty percent off He said, "Punch buggy red" and punched me right in my left eye I said "Don't you mean padiddle?" and I lit his house on fire He came home on acid, I was holding his shotgun I was dressed like Tina Turner in Beyond Thunderdome He said, "Don't shoot!" I said, "I won't, I love you, you're my friend" I handed him my wig and shot myself in the head Then I stuffed a box of tissues in the hole in my skull I got in my Mazda and I drove to the mall I bought a Big Johnson shirt and some silicone tits When I pulled out the tissues they were covered with shit And the beer I had for breakfast was a box of cheap white wine And the boombox on my shoulder was a box of clementines I ate every single one without noticing the mold You said, "You're gross, my darling," I said, "No, I'm rock 'n' roll" Even though I'd never ever been in a band I got "Kool As Black Ice" tattooed on my hand And the Christians gave me comic books, as if I would be scared Of burning in Hell while I was already there And the beer I had for breakfast, Silver Bullet in the brain And the beer I had for lunch was a bottle of Night Train And the beer I had for dinner was my crazy neighbor's pills We had to sit down on skateboards just to make it down the hill Then I peed my pants and you stole the groom's cigar And some old man made me watch him masturbate locked in his car When I got back to the apartment, you were face-down on the floor You said "Don't go to bed yet, let's go get a sixty-four" And the beer I had for breakfast was a pint of Jim Beam And a fifth of peach Schnapps and some warm Sunny D And you said, "Bottoms up!" just as I bottomed out And I tried to scream "Fuck you!" but blood was pouring out my mouth And Evan Dando never planned on telling you the truth And your Leonardo I.D. card is your fountain of youth You can be a teenager for your whole fucking life Just find some pretty sucker and make that bitch your wife And I guess by now you all know my friend Danny broke his neck He was driving home from Sirens and he got into a wreck First I cried for him and then I cried for me Haunted by the ghost of the girl I used to be But the rocks with holes are warm in my hands And I bury my toes in the hot, hot sand And the silver-pink pony kisses me and Says, "You've come a long, long way and you deserve to be really happy"