You walk in soaking wet
With a chestnut latte, and a paper bag
Cinnamon raisin, my favorite
Toasted with cream cheese, you’re a Class A catch
The birds start singing when you float into the kitchen
Set your things down on the counter next to last week’s farm stand flowers
And you kiss me
But out of the corner of my eye
I see a text light up your phone
It reads ‘Meet me at 6pm’
‘Make sure your girl’s at home’
What?
Oh my god he’s cheating
Or best case he’s buying drugs
Who on earth is Mimi?
God I really hope that she sells drugs
Does he have a secret life? Does he have a secret wife?
Do I come out and ask him or follow him tonight?
Why would I even ask him? I’ll follow him tonight
6 o’clock, on the dot
No way he proves me right
Right?
I’m not sharp like Sherlock
But on Tuesday his tie was a tad askew
Came home late three minutes
Bet he had one extra deed to do
Was my bagel just a ruse to distract me from the truth
That the bakery’s next to some intern that he screws?
When I get a piece of him, he’ll be the one that’s screwed
6 o’clock, on the dot
That’s when I get the proof
I’ll catch you in 4K
Throw water on your face
You’re right where I want ya
Gotcha gotcha, I gotcha
Hold on a second
One deep breath, count to ten
In Mississippi’s, lemme get this straight
There’s a logical reason, you’re acting strange
Maybe you’re a gambler, or in the CIA
God I could save you from yourself or the assassins
As long as my man stays loyal I’d defend him, I’d go batshit
Prove my love
But now you won’t look me in the eye
You put your hand over your phone
And when I ask your plans tonight
You reply ‘I don’t know’
What?
But I think he does know
My spidey senses scream I’m right
Now I’m getting buckled
Risk a ticket, turn off my headlights
And I know it’s only four, but he shuffled out the door
Thinking’ that he’s so casual, but I’m headed off to war
Why on earth are you driving a hundred miles North?
I need gas, and a snack
But I must stay the course
Of course!
Probably end up stranded
In the middle of this nowhere town
Did he make a circle?
Man I could’ve sworn I’ve seen that house
Oh my god he’s pulling in, oh my god I’m feeling sick
And he’s grabbing a key from behind the porch swing
What’s the jail time for breaking and entering?
Ugh! I’ll give him 10, then he’s dead
I’ll prove everything
I’ll catch you in true form
I’m barging-in, full force
You’re right where I want ya
Gotcha gotcha, I gotcha
I storm in covered in leaves
And an elderly woman’s clutching her pearls
So that’s Mimi, 93
That’s your grandma, I forgot about her
There’s something sparkly twinkling on the kitchen island
Let me melt into the floorboards, that’s the family heirloom diamond
And you get down on one knee
In spite of my crazy
So glad that I caught ya
Gotcha gotcha, I gotcha
