Barbie (Script)

WARNER BROTHERS BUMPER MATTEL BUMPER OPENING CREDITS Wind whooshes in the background as the opening credits play. CUT TO: EXT. ANCIENT EARTH, DAWN The sun rises over rocky terrain. Cut between several shots of the area. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Since the beginning of time, since the first little girl ever existed— Objects litter the area. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) —there have been dolls. Two young girls play with dolls. A baby carriage sits nearby. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) But the dolls were always and forever baby dolls. Several girls sit idly with their dolls. One girl pushes a baby carriage. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) The girls who played with them could only ever play at being mothers. Which can be fun, at least for a while, anyway. Ask your mother. Cut between several shots of girls playing with dolls. Cut to all of the girls sleeping in a rocky hole with their dolls. One of the girls gets up. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) This continued until… "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" plays as the girl looks up at a towering Barbie silhouetted by the sun. The girls all get up and walk around her. A dull buzz fades in and out as one of the girls touches her leg. Cut to a wide shot as Barbie smiles and lowers her sunglasses, winking at the girls. One of the girls destroys several dolls as well as some teapots. All of the other girls join in. The first girl flings a doll into the air. As it spins into the sky, it suddenly becomes the title card. TITLE CARD The title disappears to reveal Barbie in a plain white environment. Zoom in on her. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Yes, Barbie changed everything. Then, she changed it all again. The shot pulls back to show several other Barbies. They rotate on circular platforms. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) All of these women are Barbie, and Barbie is all of these women. She might have started out as just a lady in a bathing suit, but she became so much more. The camera pans past several Barbies in different outfits. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) She has her own money, her own house, her own car, her own career. Because Barbie can be anything, women can be anything. And this has been reflected back onto the little girls of today in the Real World. Cut to an aerial shot of Barbieland. The camera pans over to the "Real World." Cut between several shots of girls with Barbies wearing identical outfits. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Girls can grow into women, who can achieve everything and anything they set their mind to. Cut to a huge crowd of Barbies. The camera pans above the crowd and into the clouds. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Thanks to Barbie, all problems of feminism and equal rights have been solved. Cut back to an aerial shot of Barbieland. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) At least that's what the Barbies think. After all, they're living in Barbie Land. Who am I to burst their bubble? The shot zooms in on Barbie's Dreamhouse. Her roof opens as the camera approaches. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) And here is one of those Barbies now, living her best day every day. Barbie lies asleep in bed. "Pink" by Lizzo begins playing. The lyrics of the song describe the scene as it continues. LIZZO: (Voiceover) When I wake up in my own pink world I get up out of bed and wave to my homegirls Hey, Barbie (Hey), she's so cool All dolled up, just playin' chess by the pool Come on, we got important things to do It's her (Ayy), and her (Ayy), and me, and you After waving at several other Barbies, Barbie goes downstairs. LIZZO: (Voiceover) In pink Goes with everything Beautiful from head to toe I'm read' to go, you know, you know It's pink Good enough to drink We like other colors but Pink just looks so good on us Barbie approaches her wardrobe. LIZZO: (Voiceover) What you wearing? Dress or suit? Either way, that power looks so good on you Hey, Barbie I like your style If that was really a mirror you'd see a perfect smile After getting ready for the day, Barbie takes a slide down to her pool. LIZZO: (Voiceover) Round and round and round and round and That's my Barbie Go Barbie, go Barbie That's my Barbie Ooh, ooh, ooh That's my Barbie Go Barbie, go Barbie That's my Barbie Ooh, ooh, ooh Come on, we got important things to do It's her (Ayy), and her (Ayy), and me (Ayy), and you In pink Goes with everything (Oh yeah) Beautiful from head to toe I'm read' to go, you know, you know It's pink (Pretty pink) Good enough to drink (Oh yeah) We like other colors, but Pink just looks so good on us P, pretty I, intelligent N, never sad K, cool Barbie looks out at Barbieland from her house. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) When you're playing with Barbies nobody bothers to walk them down the stairs and out the door, et cetera. You just pick them up and put them where you want them to go. Barbie floats down to the ground from her house. LIZZO: (Voiceover) You'd better fly girl, yeah, yeah NARRATOR: (Voiceover) You use your imagination. Barbie comes to a stop in the front seat of her car. LIZZO: (Voiceover) Hey, I was still singin' Barbie begins driving out of her cul de sac and waves at several people as she goes. SKIPPER: Hi, Barbie. BARBIE: Hi, Skipper. MIDGE: Hi, Barbie. BARBIE: And Midge. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Midge was Barbie's pregnant friend. LIZZO: (Voiceover) Hey, Midge NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Let's not show Midge, actually. The camera quickly pans past Midge. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) She was discontinued by Mattel because a pregnant doll is just too weird. Anyway, Barbie has another big day ahead of her. "Pink" continues as a wide shot shows Barbie driving through Barbieland. BARBIES: Hi, Barbie. BARBIE: Morning, Barbie. Hi. BARBIE 1: Good morning. BARBIE 2: Good morning. BARBIE 3: Another great day. BARBIE 4: Good morning, Barbie. STREET SWEEPER BARBIE: Hi. BARBIE: Hey, ladies. CONSTRUCTION WORKER BARBIE: Hi. CUT TO: INT. PINK HOUSE President Barbie addresses everyone in her office. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Everybody, turn to the Barbie next to you. Tell her how much you love her. Compliment her. The other Barbies in the room all turn to nearby Barbies. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Reporter Barbie, you can ask me any question you want. REPORTER BARBIE: Well, how come you're so amazing? PRESIDENT BARBIE: No comment. LIZZO: (Voiceover) Black Barbie, President Black Barbie, President PRESIDENT BARBIE: No, seriously, no comment. Everyone laughs. BARBIE: Ah, I love you guys. CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM Diplomat Barbie stands at a podium. DIPLOMAT BARBIE: The Nobel Prize for Journalism goes to… Cut to a shot of the room. Four Barbies sit in chairs on stage. DIPLOMAT BARBIE: Barbie. Everyone applauds. Journalist Barbie gets up to receive her award. JOURNALIST BARBIE: I work very hard, so I deserve it. DIPLOMAT BARBIE: And the Nobel Prize for Literature goes to… Barbie. Everyone applauds. Writer Barbie gets up to receive her award. DIPLOMAT BARBIE: You're the voice of a generation. WRITER BARBIE: I know. CUT TO: INT. SUPREME COURT Lawyer Barbie presents an argument to the Barbie Supreme Court. LAWYER BARBIE: In our assessment, money is not speech, and corporations have no free speech rights to begin with. So any claim on their part to be exercising a right is just their attempt to turn our democracy into a plutocracy. All of the Barbies in the audience get up and applaud. LAWYER BARBIE: This makes me emotional, and I'm expressing it. I have no difficulty holding both logic and feeling at the same time. And it does not diminish my powers. It expands them. The applause starts up again. CUT TO: EXT. BARBIELAND Barbie drives down a road. The shot zooms in on an airplane above her head. LIZZO: (Voiceover) Oh, pink PILOT BARBIE: Hi, Barbie! Barbie salutes Pilot Barbie. LIZZO: (Voiceover) What can't Barbie do? The plane zooms off, revealing two astronauts. ASTRONAUT BARBIES: Hi, Barbie. BARBIE: Yay, space! The astronauts high-five. BARBIE: Gosh. Cut to a wide shot. Barbie admires a sculpture of four Barbies in the distance. LIZZO: (Voiceover) See you later. Barbie arrives at the Beach. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Barbie has a great day every day, but Ken only has a great day if Barbie looks at him. Ken stands on the beach with a surfboard. He watches as Barbie arrives. KEN: Hi, Barbie! BARBIE: Hi, Ken. Several characters at the beach greet each other in succession. BARBIE 1: Hi, Barbie! BARBIE 2: Hi, Barbie! TOURIST KEN: Hi, Barbie. Ken groans. BARBIE: Hi, Ken. TOURIST KEN: Hi, Ken. STEREOTYPICAL KEN: Hi, Ken. BASKETBALL KEN: Hi, Ken. ARTIST KEN: Hi, Ken. BASKETBALL KEN: I got us both ice creams. KEN: Cool. WRITER BARBIE: Hi, Barbie. BARBIE: Hi, Barbie. JUDGE BARBIE: Hi, Barbie. PHYSICIST BARBIE: Hi, Barbie. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Hi, Barbie. BASKETBALL KEN: Hi, Barbie. DOCTOR BARBIE: Hi, Barbie! LAWYER BARBIE: Hi, Ken. Several Barbies and Kens talk over each other. MERMAID BARBIE: Hi, Barbie. BARBIE: Hi, Barbie. MERMAID BARBIES: Hi, Barbies. BARBIES & KENS: Bye, Barbies. MERMAID BARBIES: Bye, Barbie. ALLAN: Hi, Barbie. BARBIE: Oh, hi, Allan. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) There are no multiples of Allan. He's just Allan. ALLAN: Yeah, I'm, I… I'm confused about that. KEN: Hey, Barbie. Check me out. Barbie and Tourist Ken watch Ken prepare to surf. As he steadies himself, Barbie nods at him. Several other characters watch. He begins running on the beach. ALLAN: Ken! Ken runs out into the fake water. He hits a wave and is sent soaring through the air. BARBIE: Ooh! ALLAN: No! TOURIST KEN: Oh! Several other characters gasp. KEN: Oh, no! He thuds onto the beach. His surfboard lands nearby. Everyone gets up. Barbie and Judge Barbie walk over to see if Ken is alright. TOURIST KEN: That's gotta hurt. BARBIE: Ken. KEN: Oh, hey, Barbie. BARBIE: Hi. KEN: How much of that did you see? BARBIE: We saw the whole thing. JUDGE BARBIE: Let's get you up on your feet, Ken. There you go. Barbie and Judge Barbie help Ken to his feet. KEN: You guys are so strong. JUDGE BARBIE: Use your legs. There he is. BARBIE: You okay? KEN: Yep. Totally. They help Ken walk. Tourist Ken laughs. TOURIST KEN: Ah, looks like this beach was a little too much beach for you, Ken. KEN: If I wasn't severely injured, I would beach you off right now, Ken. TOURIST KEN: I'll beach off with you any day, Ken. Basketball Ken holds out an ice cream cone for Ken. Ken pushes it away. KEN: Hold my ice cream, Ken. He steps up to Tourist Ken. KEN: All right, Ken, you're on. Let's beach off. BASKETBALL KEN: Anyone who wants to beach him off has to beach me off first. TOURIST KEN: I will beach both of you off at the same time. Cut briefly to Allan as he observes the exchange. KEN: But you don't even know how to beach yourself off. How you gonna beach both of us off? BARBIE: Okay. KEN: It doesn't make sense. BARBIE: Uh, Kens? TOURIST KEN: Why are you getting emotional? KEN: You're gonna beach both of us off? TOURIST KEN: So you can beach yourself off! BARBIE: Come on, Kens. Nobody's gonna beach anyone off. TOURIST KEN: Okay. Let's go. Tourist Ken leaves. Ken collapses against Barbie. An ambulance arrives. BARBIE: Okay, okay. You did so well. You still hurt? We'll get you fixed up. Lawyer Barbie opens up the ambulance. Doctor Barbie and Writer Barbie wheel out a stretcher. DOCTOR BARBIE: Go. WRITER BARBIE: Go. Ken gets on the stretcher. KEN: Barbie, hold my hand! She grabs his hand. KEN: Stay with me, Barbie! Ken gets checked out in the ambulance. DOCTOR BARBIE: Great. Not even broken. You'll be fine. KEN: Shredding waves is much more dangerous than people realize. BARBIE: You're very brave, Ken. KEN: Thank you, Barbie. BARBIE: Yeah. KEN: You know surfer is not even my job. BARBIE: I know. KEN: And it is not lifeguard, which is a common misconception. WRITER BARBIE: Very common. KEN: Because actually my job… It's just beach. BARBIE: Right. DOCTOR BARBIE: And what a good job you do at beach. WRITER BARBIE: You should heal up in no time. Actually, in the time that it took for me to say that sentence, you healed. KEN: Fantastic. BARBIE: Nice. KEN: Haha. Hey, Barbie? BARBIE: Yeah? KEN: Can I come to your house tonight? BARBIE: Sure. KEN: Yes. BARBIE: I don't have anything big planned. Just a giant blowout party with all the Barbies and planned choreography and a bespoke song. You should stop by. KEN: So cool. BARBIE: Yeah. Okay. Bye. KEN: Okay. Alright. Goodbye. "Dance The Night" begins playing. Ken smiles as Barbie walks away.. CUT TO: EXT BARBIE'S DREAMHOUSE Cut to the party at Barbie's house that night. Barbie, Physicist Barbie, and Judge Baribe dance in the middle of the cul de sac while dozens of other Barbieland residents dance on the sidelines. Lawyer Barbie leads a group to dance in the middle. Wheelchair Vet Barbie leads another group. Ken and Basketball Ken nod along off to the side. Doctor Barbie is shown DJing. President Barbie leads dozens of Barbies in a dance. Allan and Midge are both shown dancing on their own. The group rearranges for Barbie to take the floor, flanked by Tourist Ken and Stereotypical Ken. TOURIST KEN: Hi, Barbie. BARBIE: Hi, Ken. Ken watches, upset. Stereotypical Ken lifts Barbie up and leads her into a dance with Tourist Ken. TOURIST KEN: Looking good, Barbie. BARBIE: Thanks, Ken. Ken shoves his drink into Basketball Ken's hands and makes his way onto the dancefloor. A line dance forms with Basketball Ken, Ken, Barbie, Tourist Ken, Artist Ken, and Stereotypical Ken. BARBIE: Oh, hi, Ken. KEN: Hi! KEN: Yes, yes, yes! Some offscreen Barbies beckon Barbie over. BARBIE 1: Hi, Barbie. BARBIE 2: Hi, Barbie. BARBIE: Barbies! Barbie walks out of frame, leaving Ken next to Tourist Ken in the line dance. TOURIST KEN: What's up, Ken? The Kens continue dancing. Eventually, Artist Ken and Stereotypical Ken walk off to the side while Tourist Ken prepares to do a flip. TOURIST KEN: Hey, Barbie. Check me out. Barbie and several other Barbies come back to the dancefloor. Tourist Ken does an impressive flip. TOURIST KEN: Bet you can't do a flip like that, Ken! KEN: What? Several Barbies dance in a circle. WRITER BARBIE: This is a real rager, Barbie. BARBIE: Thanks, Barbie. Gosh, this night is just perfect. LAWYER BARBIE: It's perfectly perfect. PHYSICIST BARBIE: And you look so beautiful, Barbie. BARBIE: Thanks, Barbie. I feel so beautiful. LAWYER BARBIE: So do I. DOCTOR BARBIE: This is the best day ever. BARBIE: It is the best day ever. And so is yesterday, and so is tomorrow, and so is the day after tomorrow and even Wednesdays and every day from now until forever. Everyone cheers. BARBIE: You guys ever think about dying? The music abruptly stops and all of the partygoers cease dancing. Several stare at Barbie in disbelief. No one says anything for a few moments. BARBIE: (Mumbling) I don't know why I just said that. She takes a moment. BARBIE: I'm just dying to dance. The music starts up again. Writer Barbie cheers. Everyone resumes dancing. Barbie continues with a less enthused look on her face. An aerial shot of the cul de sac fades into a shot of a disco ball and then the Moon. "Dance The Night" fades out as "Silver Platter" begins to play. Pan down to Barbie and Ken. Ken tries to kiss Barbie, but she stays still. After a few moments, he pulls back. KEN: Wow. BARBIE: You can go now. KEN: I thought I might stay over tonight. BARBIE: Why? KEN: Because we're girlfriend-boyfriend. BARBIE: To do what? KEN: I'm actually not sure. BARBIE: Oh, but I don't want you here. KEN: Mmm-hmm. Is it Ken? BARBIE: Ken's just a really good friend. And this is my Dreamhouse. It's Barbie's Dreamhouse. It's not Ken's Dreamhouse. Right? Ken laughs. KEN: Right as always. BARBIE: And it's girls' night. Cut to a wide shot which shows several Barbies in pajamas hanging out in Barbie's house. "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" is playing inside. WRITER BARBIE: Come on, Barbie! Slumber party! DOCTOR BARBIE: Hurry up. The President's here. PRESIDENT BARBIE: I am. You're welcome. KEN: Every night is girls' night. BARBIE: Mmm-hmm. Every night. Forever. KEN: Every night. BARBIE: Forever and ever. Good night. KEN: Good night. Barbie runs into her house. She and the other Barbies scream at each other. KEN: (Whispering) I love you, too. BARBIES: Girls' night! Girls' night! KEN: I can't. I gotta go. BARBIES: Girls' night! Girls' night! Girls' night! He leaves. Cut to a wide shot of the cul de sac. BARBIES: Girls' night! Girls' night! Girls' night! Girls' night! Girls' night! Cut to Barbie laying down in bed. BARBIE: Good night, Barbies! I'm definitely not thinking about death anymore. She smiles and closes her eyes but opens them a moment later and stares at the ceiling. Cut back to a wide shot of the cul de sac. Time passes. The moon sets and the sun rises. Birds chirp as the camera arrives back at Barbie's bed. "Pink (Bad Day)" by Lizzo begins to play, startling Barbie awake. Barbie goes through another morning, much less enthused than the previous morning. LIZZO: (Voiceover) When I wake up in my own pink world WRITER BARBIE: Hey, Barbie. Writer Barbie waves. Barbie sluggishly waves back. LIZZO: (Voiceover) I get up out of bed and wave to my homegirls Hey, Barbie (Hey...), why so stressed? MAILPERSON BARBIE: Hi, Barbie. Barbie waves at her while rubbing her eye. LIZZO: (Voiceover) Could it be those irrepressible— GARBAGEPEOPLE BARBIES: Hi, Barbie. They wave. LIZZO: (Voiceover) —thoughts of death Come on, we got important things to Barbie smells her breath. LIZZO: (Voiceover) Ooh! It's her (Ayy), and her (Ayy), and me, and you In pink Goes with everything Barbie shirks back from her shower. LIZZO: (Voiceover) Ooh, that's cold Beautiful from head to toe I'm read' to go, you know, you know It's pink (It's gon' be alright) Good enough to drink We like other colors, but Pink just looks so good on us Barbie's waffle comes out burnt. LIZZO: (Voiceover) P, panic I, I'm scared Barbie spits out her milk and realizes it's expired. LIZZO: (Voiceover) N, nauseous K, death! Barbie approaches her balcony. LIZZO: (Voiceover) That's my Barbie (Go, Barbie, go, Barbie) That's my Barbie (Ooh, ooh, ooh) Barbie attempts to float down to her car but falls down into her yard. LIZZO: (Voiceover) Ooh, ooh, girl, you okay? MAILPERSON BARBIE: Hi, Barbie. Barbie gets up. BARBIE: I'm fine. A-okay. CUT TO: EXT. BEACH Cut to a close-up of a volleyball as a Barbie serves it. Several Kens cheer from the sidelines of the game. TOURIST KEN: Let's go, Barbie! ALLAN: Great cheer, Kens. Some Barbies high-five each other as Barbie arrives at the beach. BARBIE 1: Hey, Barbie. Barbie waves. Judge Barbie and Doctor Barbie stretch nearby. JUDGE BARBIE: Come on, Barbie. Let's run towards the water. BARBIE: Okay. Barbie takes her shoes off. Her feet fall flat on the ground. She tumbles over. She gets up and gasps when she looks at her feet. BARBIE: Oh! My feet! Basketball Ken is shown with some binoculars nearby. He looks over. BARBIE: Oh, no. She struggles up onto a set of bleachers. Several other Barbies gather around. PHYSICIST BARBIE: Hey, Barbie. BARBIE: Hi. BARBIE 2: Are you okay? DOCTOR BARBIE: Hey, Barbie. BARBIE: Yeah, Barbie. I just fell. DOCTOR BARBIE: Fell? BARBIE: I'm so embarrassed. WRITER BARBIE: Barbie doesn't get embarrassed. BARBIE: I know. Barbie, I , I don't even have context for this, but my feet, my heels are on the ground. I'm no longer on tiptoes. DOCTOR BARBIE: That's okay. Let me see. Barbie lifts a foot into the air. Everyone gasps. DOCTOR BARBIE: Flat feet! The nearby Barbies all retch or scream. DOCTOR BARBIE: (Sobbing) Oh, no! Basketball Ken retches nearby. LAWYER BARBIE: Stop it, Ken. BASKETBALL KEN: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. BARBIE: I know I'm Stereotypical Barbie and therefore don't form conjectures concerning the causality of adjacent unfolding events, but some things have been happening that might be related. She sighs. BARBIE: Bad breath this morning, a cold shower, burnt waffle, and falling off my roof. WRITER BARBIE: You're malfunctioning. BARBIE: What? No, I'm just, I'm… Am I? PHYSICIST BARBIE: I've never seen this kind of malfunction before. It's usually just hair-related. You know, you're gonna have to visit Weird Barbie. BARBIE: I have never had to visit Weird Barbie. DOCTOR BARBIE: That's because you've never malfunctioned. LAWYER BARBIE: I heard that she used to be the most beautiful Barbie of all, but then someone played with her too hard in the Real World. "Spice Up Your Life" plays as a montage begins of a girl in the Real World playing with a Barbie doll. She cuts off its hair, hits it with a dinosaur toy, scribbles on its face, colors its hair, takes a lighter to its hair, forces it into the splits, and throws it violently. Cut back to Barbieland. DOCTOR BARBIE: And now she's fated to an eternity of making other Barbies perfect while falling more and more into disrepair herself. That, and we all call her Weird Barbie both behind her back and also to her face. BARBIE: She's so weird. Why is she always in the splits? CUT TO: INT. WEIRD BARBIE'S ESTATE Cut to the gates of Weird Barbie's property opening to allow Barbie in. Cut to Barbie approaching the entrance. BARBIE: I would never wear heels if my feet were shaped this way. She enters the open foyer. BARBIE: Hello? TANNER: Woof. Tanner the Dog slides through the room, dropping poop pellets as he goes. TANNER: Bark. Barbie looks grossed out. TANNER: Woof. Bark. He leaves. WEIRD BARBIE: Hey. Barbie looks up and sees Weird Barbie doing the splits on the upper floor. WEIRD BARBIE: What's cookin', good-lookin'? BARBIE: Hi. WEIRD BARBIE: Welcome. Welcome to my Weirdhouse. Weird Barbie flips down to the ground floor and shakes Barbie's hand. WEIRD BARBIE: Hi, how are ya? Nice to meet you. Sorry about the dog crap. What can I do ya for? BARBIE: I just had to come see you about my feet. They're, um… She takes her shoes off and steps onto the carpet. Weird Barbie does the splits to get a closer look. WEIRD BARBIE: Flat. BARBIE: Yeah. WEIRD BARBIE: Never seen that before. BARBIE: Really? WEIRD BARBIE: Whoa. BARBIE: Okay. Well, can you, you know, fix them? WEIRD BARBIE: You're Stereotypical Barbie, right? BARBIE: Mmm-hmm. WEIRD BARBIE: That Ken of yours, he is one nice-looking little protein pot. BARBIE: I guess. WEIRD BARBIE: I'd like to see what kind of nude blob he's packing under those jeans. Anyway, what preceded this? BARBIE: Oh, nothing. A really fun game of volleyball… WEIRD BARBIE: That's it? BARBIE: (Mumbling) Thoughts of death. WEIRD BARBIE: What is it? BARBIE: (Hesitantly) Maybe some thoughts of death? WEIRD BARBIE: Thoughts of death! BARBIE: Is that a problem? WEIRD BARBIE: Oh. BARBIE: What? Weird Barbie walks over to some storage and pulls out a paper fortune teller. WEIRD BARBIE: I've heard of this. Of course, I didn't think it was possible, but it's real. Weird Barbie rapidly manipulates the paper fortune teller at Barbie. WEIRD BARBIE: Oh, you've done it. You've opened a portal. She puts the paper fortune teller away. BARBIE: I didn't open a portal. WEIRD BARBIE: Someone did. She pulls out a pointer. Another Barbie appears and pulls out a map of Barbieland. WEIRD BARBIE: And now, there is a rip in the continuum that is the membrane between Barbie Land and the Real World. The other Barbie turns the map around to reveal a map of the Real World. WEIRD BARBIE: And if you wanna be Stereotypical Barbie perfect again, then, baby girl, you gotta go fix it. Or you're gonna keep going funny. Look at your upper thigh. Barbie looks at her upper thigh. BARBIE: What is that? WEIRD BARBIE: That's cellulite. That's gonna spread everywhere. BARBIE: What? WEIRD BARBIE: And then you're gonna start getting sad and mushy and complicated. BARBIE: No! Weird Barbie hisses. BARBIE: What do I have to do? WEIRD BARBIE: You have to go to the Real World. BARBIE: Okay. WEIRD BARBIE: And you have to find the girl who's playing with you. BARBIE: Playing with me? WEIRD BARBIE: We're all being played with, babe. But usually there's some kind of separation. Another Barbie arrives and pulls down a diagram of a girl and a Barbie. WEIRD BARBIE: Thanks. There's the girl and the doll. And never the twain shall cross. BARBIE: The twain is crossing? WEIRD BARBIE: Yes. And the girl who's playing with you, she must be sad, and her thoughts and feelings and humanness are interfering with your dollness. BARBIE: Why would she be sad? We fixed everything so that all women in the Real World can be happy and powerful. WEIRD BARBIE: I don't know, but if you ask me, you had something to do with this, too. BARBIE: Me? WEIRD BARBIE: Takes two to rip a portal. BARBIE: I can't have. I've only ever wanted for everything to stay exactly as it is. WEIRD BARBIE: Well, be that as it may, the two of you are becoming inextricably intertwined. And you gotta help her to help yourself. Barbie looks closer at the diagram. BARBIE: So, should… Whoo! Weird Barbie holds a pink high heel in one hand and a Birkenstock sandal in the other. WEIRD BARBIE: So, what'll it be then? You can go back to your regular life and forget any of this ever happened, or you can know the truth about the universe. The choice is now yours. BARBIE: The first one. The high heel. WEIRD BARBIE: No. We'll do a re-do. You're supposed to want to know. BARBIE: I don't. WEIRD BARBIE: Mmm. Babe, listen. You have to want to know, okay? Do it again. BARBIE: I'm not Adventure Barbie. I'm Stereotypical Barbie. I'm like the Barbie you think of when someone says, "Think of a Barbie." That's me. WEIRD BARBIE: I'm bummed. You're a bummer. That's a bummer. BARBIE: Okay, I'm ready to forget now. She closes her eyes. Weird Barbie waves the sandal at her. WEIRD BARBIE: No! You're doing this one! I just gave you a choice so you could feel some sense of control. Barbie opens her eyes. BARBIE: So there is no option one? WEIRD BARBIE: No! You have to fix the rip yourself. Don't blame me, blame Mattel. They make the rules. BARBIE: Oh, I don't want to. WEIRD BARBIE: Fine, get cellulite. I don't care. BARBIE: No! No, no, no. No. Okay. Yeah. Send me through the portal. Okay. There's actually no portal. BARBIE: Oh. WEIRD BARBIE: It's a figure of speech. Weird Barbie pulls out a guidebook with written and drawn instructions. WEIRD BARBIE: It's actually a sports car to a speedboat, to a rocket ship, to a tandem bike, to a camper van, fun, to a snowmobile, brr, which will take you most of the way to the state of Los Angeles, where you will don neon and Rollerblades, and enter the country of California. She gestures to the map of the Real World. WEIRD BARBIE: Weird, I know. Best if you don't think about it too much. BARBIE: And then when I get there, how do I find this girl? WEIRD BARBIE: You will know. BARBIE: Okay. And how do I get back? WEIRD BARBIE: The same way you came, but in reverse. BARBIE: Like I should move forward but do the order backward or— WEIRD BARBIE: Don't overthink it. BARBIE: Oh. Okay. Weird Barbie pulls out a snow globe of the Weirdhouse. WEIRD BARBIE: For you see, if you do not find her and fix things, what's ugly will become uglier, and what's weird will become weirder. And then you'll look like me. Weird Barbie pulls the snow globe away to reveal her face. BARBIE: Ahh! Oh. Sorry. WEIRD BARBIE: I understand. I set myself up for that. Anyway, I believe in you. BARBIE: Thank you. WEIRD BARBIE: Go. Be careful. I love you. BARBIE: Bye. WEIRD BARBIE: Bye. CUT TO: EXT. CUL DE SAC Cut to a banner hung above the cul de sac. The camera pulls back to a wide shot as dozens of Barbies and Kens read the banner aloud. ALL: Bon voyage to reality, and good luck restoring the membrane that separates our world from theirs so you don't get cellulite! They all cheer. Cut to the five main Kens standing by the pool. Tourist Ken leans over to Ken. TOURIST KEN: I guess she's going without you. You're so lost, Ken. KEN: She literally asked me. And I was like, "I prefer to stay here." TOURIST KEN: Why? Are you scared? KEN: No. Tourist Ken laughs. TOURIST KEN: I bet you're scared. And I bet she doesn't even want you to go. KEN: Well, you bet both those things incorrectly, and I bet in the opposite direction. TOURIST KEN: Yeah? KEN: Yeah. TOURIST KEN: Which way is that? You don't even know. Cut to Barbie next to her car surrounded by other Barbies. BARBIE: I just don't want to leave. I'm trying to find reasons not to leave. BARBIE 1: Please stay. BARBIE: I'm gonna miss you guys so much. Cut to Ken as Barbie continues talking. BARBIE: I just wish someone could come with me, but you can't. I should do this alone. BASKETBALL KEN: What bird am I thinking of? ARTIST KEN: Parrot. STEREOTYPICAL KEN: Dolphin. I mean, no, a bird. BASKETBALL KEN: Pelican. ARTIST KEN: Ohh. STEREOTYPICAL KEN: Man. BARBIE 1: We'll miss you, Barbie. BARBIE: I'll be back in no time, with perfect feet, and we'll forget that this ever happened. Ken sees Barbie sitting in the driver's seat. PHYSICIST BARBIE: And you'll get to see all the good work we've done to fix the world. JUDGE BARBIE: You'll be such a hero to them. LAWYER BARBIE: All those grateful, powerful women who owe their wonderful lives to Barbie. WRITER BARBIE: I'll bet every woman will say thank you and give you a really big hug. BARBIE: Yes, you're right. Here I go. "Closer to Fine" begins as he starts her car. BARBIES: Bye. Mermaid Barbie appears out of the Dreamhouse pool. MERMAID BARBIE: Bye, Barbie. Good luck in reality. BARBIE 1: Watch for cellulite! Cut to the edge of Barbieland. Barbie sings along with "Closer to Fine" as she drives. BARBIE & RADIO: I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains There's more than one answer to these questions Pointing me in a crooked line And the less I seek my source for some definitive Closer I am to fine Ken arises from the back seat and begins to sing along. BARBIE, KEN, & RADIO: Closer I am to fi— Barbie screams. Ken screams. Barbie swerves the car, sending it flying through the air. The radio distorts. The car lands. BARBIE: What are you doing here? KEN: I'm coming with you. BARBIE: No. Please get out. KEN: I can't. I made a double bet with Ken, and you can't make me look uncool in front of Ken. BARBIE: Ken's not cool! KEN: He is to me. BARBIE: You're just gonna slow me down. KEN: Barbie, what if there's beach? You'll need someone who's a professional in that. There's a beat. BARBIE: Did you bring your rollerblades? He lifts up a pair of rollerblades. KEN: I literally go nowhere without them. Please? BARBIE: Okay. KEN: Wow. BARBIE: Let's do this. KEN: Can I sit in the front? BARBIE: No. The car drives past a sign which reads, "Real World This Way." NARRATOR: (Voiceover) And so Barbie and Ken set off on their adventure to the Real World. "Journey To The Real World" plays over a montage of Barbie and Ken making their way along the instructions Weird Barbie provided. The camera tracks as they drive out of Barbieland, take a speedboat, ride a rocket ship, a tandem bike, camp in a van, ride a snowmobile, and rollerblade into a Los Angeles beach in the Real World. KEN: Barbie. BARBIE: Wow. She laughs as they look around the real world. "WATATI" plays as they rollerblade around. BARBIE: Wow. This is the Real World. KEN: Barbie, I told you there'd be beach. BARBIE: Yeah. Barbie notices many men ogling her as they rollerblade. Some women and a man laugh at her. KEN: Hmm. MAN 1: Oh, yeah! A man gives Ken a thumbs up. Ken smiles and chuckles. BARBIE: What's going on? A group of men crowds up nearby. MAN 2: Give us a smile, blondie. BARBIE: Why are these men looking at me? KEN: Yeah, they're also staring at me. Two men pass Ken. MAN 3: Ooh, love that! KEN: Wow! BARBIE: I feel kind of ill at ease. Like… I don't know the word for it, but I'm— MAN 4: Nice leotard. BARBIE: —conscious, but it's myself that I'm conscious of. KEN: I'm not getting any of that. I feel what could only be described as admired. MAN 5: Damn, girl! KEN: But not ogled. MAN 6: You're hot. KEN: And there's no undertone of violence. BARBIE: Mine very much has an undertone of violence. She spots a construction site in the distance. BARBIE: Oh, look, a construction site. We need that good feminine energy. KEN: Yeah. BARBIE: Ladies! Yoo-hoo. CONSTRUCTION WORKER 1: You got fries with that shake? CONSTRUCTION WORKER 2: If I said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me? CONSTRUCTION WORKER 3: Have I died and gone to heaven? CONSTRUCTION WORKER 4: Is that a mirror in your pocket? CONSTRUCTION WORKER 3: Baby, you are an angel. CONSTRUCTION WORKER 4: I can see myself in your shorts. BARBIE: I don't know exactly what you meant with all of those little quips, but I'm picking up on some sort of entendre, which appears to be double, and I would just like to inform you, I do not have a vagina. And he does not have a penis. We don't have genitals. CONSTRUCTION WORKER 1: That's okay. CONSTRUCTION WORKER 3: Yeah. CONSTRUCTION WORKER 4: Yeah, whatever. Yeah. CONSTRUCTION WORKER 2: It's cool. Barbie leaves. KEN: I have all the genitals. He follows her. BARBIE: Geez, you would think a construction site at lunch time would be the perfect place for a little woman power, but this one was so… male. KEN: Everything is almost like… reversed here. BARBIE: Oh, look! She points up at a Miss Universe billboard. BARBIE: The Supreme Court. KEN: They're so smart. BARBIE: Yeah. MAN 2: Yeah, bruh! Do it, bro! One of the men from the crowd earlier runs up and slaps Barbie's butt. She turns around and punches him in the face. "Chose Your Fighter" plays as the shot cuts to Barbie and Ken being booked into jail. Several cops stand around after their mug shots are taken. COP 1: I love me a leotard. COP 2: I love the elbow pads. BARBIE: I think we should get some different clothes. They emerge from a convenience store in cowboy outfits. BARBIE: We look great. KEN: I love fringe. BARBIE: I love denim. KEN: Haha! They begin to leave. The store owner runs out after them. OWNER: Hey, man. You guys gotta pay for that stuff. They turn and run. He chases after them. Cut back to jail. COP 1: She looks even better in more clothes. COP 2: Because you can imagine more. COP 1: You know what? Keep 'em. Cut to Barbie and Ken walking on a sidewalk outside. BARBIE: Weird Barbie said I would know how to find this girl, but I have no idea. KEN: Hmm. BARBIE: What would a smart Barbie do? I just need to clear my mind so I can think. She sits at a bus stop. BARBIE: Who is playing with me? KEN: I hate it when people think. I get so bored. BARBIE: Faster I figure it out, the faster we get to go home. KEN: What am I supposed to do? BARBIE: Ken! Go for a walk or something. KEN: By myself? BARBIE: Yes. KEN: Really? Where? BARBIE: Anywhere. KEN: Can I go that way? BARBIE: Yes. Okay. He begins to walk away while looking back at her. BARBIE: Don't go far. KEN: Okay! She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. a remix of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays as Ken walks through the city. A man walks past him. MAN: Excuse me, sir. Thanks, man. Ken looks around at the office buildings nearby. A man in a fur coat exits a gym and nods at him. FUR COAT MAN: What's up, man? A man in a suit walks by as two other men exit the gym. MAN IN SUIT: We've got to man up on this one. GYM MAN 1: Great workout, man. The two gym bros fist bump as Ken looks at all of the men in the world around him. GYM MEN 1&2: Men, men, men. GYM MAN 3: You're the man! GYM MAN 4: No, you're the man! GYM MEN 3&4: Men, men, men! Ken sees a large hummer pull up to a building. A group of men get out. Ken sees two horse cops ride past. Cut inside a nearby building as some men are talking. BUSINESSMAN 1: Based on the ROI, we are exceeding expectations. BUSINESSMAN 2: Good stuff. So I'm not worried about it. MARGARET: Excuse me— BUSINESSMAN 1: Not now, Margaret. Let's shake on this. BUSINESSMAN 3: We are gonna make a lot of money. BUSINESSMAN 2: We are officially important. They laugh. Ken rides up an escalator. A huge wall displays images of politicians and athletes. Images of presidents on dollar bills flash past. A quick montage of men plays as Ken begins to smile. KEN: Yes! Cut back to Barbie with her eyes closed. A montage plays in her mind as she tries to imagine the girl playing with her. She sees shots of a girl and her mother playing, eating, and embracing. As the girl grows up, she is less receptive to her mom, at one point almost throwing out her Barbie before her mom intervenes. A tear rolls down Barbie's face. BARBIE: That felt… achy, but good. Barbie looks around the Real World and sees families playing together at a park. She sees a couple arguing nearby. MAN: I'm actually trying to make this work. WOMAN: How? By calling me a lunatic? That's not how you make things work. MAN: I don't know what this is all… Barbie sees more children playing and looks up at the trees surrounding the park. Two men talk on a bench nearby, laughing together. Another man sits sadly alone. Barbie turns and sees a woman on the other end of her bench reading a newspaper. They exchange a long glance. BARBIE: You're so beautiful. WOMAN: I know it. They both laugh. Ken suddenly comes back. KEN: Barbie! Barbie! Yes! BARBIE & KEN: I've got it! KEN: Oh, what do you got? BARBIE: You go first. KEN: No, no, you go. BARBIE: We'll go at the same time. KEN: Okay. They both talk over each other. BARBIE: She's at school! KEN: Men rule the world! BARBIE: What was that? KEN: The kid's at the school? BARBIE: But what did you say? KEN: Nothing. BARBIE: Okay. KEN: Well, let's go to the school. BARBIE: Okay! KEN: Now, come on. Barbie takes a glance back at the woman on the bench. CUT TO: INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS Cut to an establishing shot of Mattel Headquarters. Cut inside to Aaron in a large room of cubicles. He answers his phone. AARON: Hello. The screen splits, with Aaron in his cubicle on the right and Dan at the FBI on the left in a very similar room of cubicles. DAN: This is Dan of the FBI. AARON: Oh. This is Aaron at Mattel. DAN: I don't give a flying squirrel who you are, Aaron. What are you, like an intern? AARON: No, I'm— DAN: Two of your dolls have gotten loose. AARON: Impossible. How do you know? DAN: Don't sass me, Aaron. Couple of blondes, answering to Barbie and Ken. Rollerblading in Santa Monica. We're gonna need Mattel's help landing the eagle. The splitscreen ends. Cut to a medium shot of Aaron in his cubicle. DAN: Don't crap the bed, Aaron! AARON: I won't. Dan hangs up. Aaron puts the phone down. AARON: This is bad. This is really bad. Another Mattel employee pokes his head over Aaron's cubicle. EMPLOYEE 1: What? AARON: This happened before. Another employee pops up. EMPLOYEE 2: What? When? AARON: I heard about ten years ago, a woman named Skipper turned up at some family's home in Key West. Asked to babysit the kids. She then tried to take their toddler surfing. EMPLOYEE 1: Geez. AARON: I know. They were able to straighten it out, keep it under wraps, but this is serious. Cut to Aaron approaching the elevator, flanked by the other two employees. AARON: I'm going all the way up. EMPLOYEE 1: No one goes all the way up. AARON: I have to. EMPLOYEE 2: You may never come back. He arrives at the elevator and presses the button. AARON: I know. He enters the elevator and presses a button which says, "ALL THE WAY UP." The door closes behind him. Everyone in the room waves as it does. Cut upstairs to Gloria drawing at her desk and humming. Cut to her drawing which is Barbie in her western attire with a long, dark shadow. GLORIA: Closer I am to fine… The elevator dings and footsteps approach. Aaron taps Gloria on the head. GLORIA: Oh. AARON: Hey. GLORIA: Oh, hi, Aaron. AARON: New drawings? GLORIA: Yeah. I just started drawing these weird designs. She hands some drawings to Aaron. He flips through them. AARON: These are different. GLORIA: It's Irrepressible Thoughts of Death Barbie. Full Body Cellulite Barbie. Crippling Shame Barbie. He hands the drawings back to her. AARON: Okay. Listen, I have to speak to the top brass. GLORIA: No. AARON: I must. GLORIA: No. AARON: I'm going to. He walks past her desk and enters the office. GLORIA: Aaron, they're in a big corporate idea sesh. No one is to be admitted. Aaron! Aaron! Aaron, stop! Her voice fades as he enters the room and sees Mattel's executives around a table. MATTEL CEO: Always be empowering girls. Always! But what do we really sell? I'll tell you what. We sell dreams. And imagination! And sparkle! I get excited. I'm passionate. And when you think of sparkle, what do you think of after that? Female agency. AARON: Excuse me. The whole conference table turns to look at him. MATTEL CEO: Who are you? AARON: Aaron Dinkins, sir. MATTEL CEO: We're in the middle of a major sit-down here, Aaron Dinkins. AARON: I think you're gonna want to hear this, sir. MATTEL CEO: Can you just email it? And you can send it to me EOD. (Whispering) End of day. MATTEL CFO: That's cool. AARON: May I put it in a whisper, sir? MATTEL CEO: Fine. Whisper me. Aaron approaches the conference table. He whispers to the man on the end. Everyone sends the whisper down the line to the CEO. As he hears the whisper, he becomes faint and collapses against the table. The men on either side of him help him up. MATTEL CEO: No. No! Ahh! Ahh! No. MATTEL CFO: Get the chair! MATTEL COO: They're okay. MATTEL CFO: You all right? MATTEL COO: He's okay. The CEO takes a deep breath. MATTEL CEO: It's a repeat of Skipper in Key West. AARON: And with all due respect, that was Skipper, sir. This is… Barbie. The CEO gets up and walks around the table to Aaron. MATTEL CEO: If this got out that our dolls were coming to Los Angeles from Barbie Land as life-size versions of themselves, roaming the earth, this would be very bad. Gloria is revealed to be listening in from outside. GLORIA: Barbie in the Real World? That's impossible. MATTEL COO: We've got a definite situation on our hands. MATTEL CEO: Catastrophic! I can't stress that enough! GLORIA: What? Gloria walks away from the door. MATTEL CEO: What's your name again? AARON: Aaron Dinkins, sir. MATTEL CEO: Aaron Dickinson? AARON: Dinkins. MATTEL CEO: Yes! Aaron. AARON: Is Barbieland like an alternate reality or is it like a place where, uh, your imagination— ALL: Yes! AARON: Okay. MATTEL CEO: Think of it as a town in Sweden, Aaron Dinkins. ALL: Sweden. AARON: Right. MATTEL CEO: How much do you weigh? It doesn't matter. Sounds like a job for the box. No one rests until this doll is back in a box. CUT TO: EXT. DAVY CROCKETT JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL Cut to Barbie and Ken as they approach the school Barbie saw in her vision. BARBIE: Look, Davy Crockett Junior High School, just like I saw in my vision. Ken gestures to the school's logo. KEN: A man on a horse. BARBIE: I've started to get all these weirdo feelings. Like, I have fear with no specific object. What is that? A parent overhears from behind them. MOM: Anxiety. I have it too. They're just awful at this age. KEN: I feel amazing. MOM: That's because kids don't take it out on the dads. Cut to Barbie and Ken walking elsewhere in the school. BARBIE: She's gotta be here somewhere. I need to find her soon. KEN: I'm just gonna pop into the library and see if I can find any books on trucks. BARBIE: Okay, just don't get in trouble. KEN: I won't! Ken walks away. "Angel" by Pink Pantheress plays as Barbie rounds a corner to the school's cafeteria. She sees the girl from her visions sitting at a table with three friends. She smiles and takes a step forward, but a student stops her. STUDENT: What are you doing? BARBIE: Oh, uh, what's that girl's name? STUDENT: That's Sasha. BARBIE: Hey, Sasha! STUDENT: Don't talk to her. BARBIE: Oh. STUDENT: Sasha can talk to you, but you can never talk to Sasha. She'll crush you. BARBIE: Don't worry. Everyone really likes me and thinks I'm cool and pretty. STUDENT: Huh. BARBIE: Thank you. Barbie walks past her and approaches Sasha's table. BARBIE: Hey, ladies. Sasha, what's up? SASHA: Who are you? BARBIE: I'm only your favorite woman of all time. Barbie! SASHA: You really think you're Barbie? BARBIE: Yeah. FRIEND 1: She's crazy. Do you think she escaped from, like, an insane asylum? SASHA: So you're like "Barbie" Barbie? Like a professional bimbo? BARBIE: No. Barbie's not a bimbo. Barbie is a doctor and a lawyer and a senator and a Nobel Prize winner. FRIEND 2: You're a Nobel Prize winner? BARBIE: Oh. No, not me, but Barbie is. Yeah. Aren't you guys gonna thank me and give me a big hug? For being your favorite toy? SASHA: We haven't played with Barbie since we were like five years old. FRIEND 1: Yeah, I hated dolls with hair. FRIEND 2: I mean, I'd play with Barbie, but it was, like, the last resort. FRIEND 3: I loved Barbie. Sasha clears her throat. FRIEND 3: Oh. SASHA: Anyways, even then, it was horrible for us. BARBIE: It was horrible? Why? FRIEND 1: Come on, Sasha. FRIEND 3: Give it to her. FRIEND 2: Destroy Barbie. SASHA: Okay, Barbie, let's do this. You've been making women feel bad about themselves since you were invented. BARBIE: I think you have that the wrong way around. SASHA: You represent everything wrong with our culture. Sexualized capitalism, unrealistic physical ideals— BARBIE: No, no, no. You're describing something stereotypical. Barbie is so much more than that. SASHA: Look at yourself. BARBIE: Well, I am technically Stereotypical Barbie. SASHA: You set the feminist movement back 50 years. You destroy girls' innate sense of worth and you are killing the planet with your glorification of rampant consumerism. BARBIE: No, I'm supposed to help you and make you happy and powerful. SASHA: Oh, I am powerful. And until you showed up here and declared yourself Barbie, I hadn't thought about you in years, you fascist! BARBIE: Oh. Um… Okay. It's happening again. I have to… Will you excuse me? It was really nice talking to you. Barbie walks away as she tears up. STUDENT: They never listen. Cut to the school library. Ken examines several books. He walks out of the library with them and back towards the front of the building. A woman approaches him. MOM: Excuse me, sir, do you have the time? KEN: You respect me. MOM: Sorry, no, do you know what time it is? KEN: No, I do not. He laughs. MOM: Okay... KEN: Why didn't Barbie tell me about patriarchy, which, to my understanding, is where men and horses run everything? MOM: Sure. KEN: I shall seek my fortune there. MOM: All right. So… He walks away. CUT TO: INT. OFFICE Cut to Ken and a man standing in the lobby of an office building. KEN: I'll take a high-level, high-paying job with influence, please. MAN: Okay, you'll need at least an MBA. And a lot of our people have PhDs. KEN: Isn't being a man enough? MAN: Actually, right now, it's kind of the opposite. KEN: You guys are clearly not doing patriarchy very well. MAN: No! No. We're, uh… We're doing it well, yeah. We just… hide it better now. KEN: Oh. CUT TO: INT. HOSPITAL Ken stands with a doctor at a hospital reception desk. DOCTOR: No, I won't let you do just one appendectomy. KEN: But I'm a man. DOCTOR: But not a doctor. KEN: Please? DOCTOR: No. KEN: Can I talk to a doctor? DOCTOR: You are talking to a doctor. KEN: Can you get me a coffee? DOCTOR: No. KEN: And I need a clicky pen. DOCTOR: No. KEN: And a white coat. DOCTOR: No. KEN: And a sharp thing. DOCTOR: No. Ken walks off. KEN: There he is. Doctor! DOCTOR: Somebody get security. CUT TO: EXT. BEACH Ken stands on a beach with a lifeguard. KEN: I'd like to apply for your job of beach. LIFEGUARD: So, you want to be a lifeguard? KEN: Oh. I'm not trained to go over there. I'm trained to stand confidently right here. LIFEGUARD: There's nobody in danger here. KEN: And even if there were, I'm not trained to save them. LIFEGUARD: Then I can't hire you. Ken storms off. KEN: I can't even beach here! CUT TO: DAVY CROCKET JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL Cut to Barbie sitting outside the school, crying. BARBIE: She thinks I'm a fascist? I don't control the railways or the flow of commerce. Ken arrives and runs into the mom who asked him for the time. KEN: There you are. MOM: Oh, no. KEN: That went terrible. I need to find somewhere where I can start patriarchy fresh. Some black cars arrive outside the school. Ken holds his arm out in front of the mom. Some mattel employees get out of one of the cars. MAN: Miss Barbie? BARBIE: It's just Barbie. MAN: We're gonna need you to come with us. BARBIE: Oh. Who are you? MAN: We're Mattel. BARBIE: Mattel? KEN: Mattel. BARBIE: Oh, thank goodness! I've gotta talk to somebody in charge. Everything is backwards here. Men look at me like I'm an object. Girls hate me. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, and I keep getting arrested. MAN: Need you to step this way, ma'am. BARBIE: I also just learned to cry. First, I got one tear and then I got a whole bunch. She follows them to the cars. KEN: What do I do? Do I follow Barbie into that scary unmarked black truck car? A truck car I'd like to have, actually. You're right, she's fine. It's Mattel. MOM: Yeah. KEN: I know. I'll go back to Barbie Land, and I'll tell the Kens what I've learned. Oh, it's going to be beautiful! Ken walks away. MOM: Okay. KEN: Back to Barbie Land. MOM: Let's go that way. She leads her child the other way. Elsewhere, Sasha gets in her mom's car. GLORIA: Hi, Bunny Boo-Boo. SASHA: Don't call me that. GLORIA: Sorry. I'm off early because of a crisis at work, but I thought we could go get some soft serve. Sasha sees Barbie led into one of Mattel's cars. SASHA: Thank God they arrested that nutjob. Um, um, that reality-challenged woman. She thinks she's Barbie. GLORIA: Wait, what did you say? SASHA: She thinks she's Barbie. She's, like, fully convinced. Gloria gets out of the car. SASHA: What are you doing? What are you doing? Mom. Mom! Mom, get back in the car! Gloria tries approaching Barbie, but the cars drive off. SASHA: Are you kidding me? Mom! Cut to the cars driving down the highway. BARBIE: Mattel! Of course it was you guys that brought me here. Because it definitely wasn't that Sasha girl. The cars arrive at Mattel Headquarters. BARBIE: Thanks for the ride. This has been so much fun. She arrives in the lobby. BARBIE: Wow, the mothership! She enters the executive conference room. The executives and Aaron sit around the conference table and get up when she enters. MATTEL COO: Barbie! MATTEL CFO: We're so happy to see you. BARBIE: Hi! MATTEL COO: Would you like some mineral water? BARBIE: Yes, thank you. Oh, thanks. She takes a glass and pours the liquid on her face. BARBIE: I'm not used to that having anything in it. The executives all laugh. BARBIE: Thank you. MATTEL CEO: So, we've been very anxious to get some quality face-time with you. BARBIE: Of course. So what can I do to repair the rift in the space-time continuum, get my feet back, and that one cellulite gone, and just generally not turn into Weird Barbie? MATTEL: We have been discussing that very topic. He snaps his fingers. Some men pull a large Barbie box into the room. MATTEL CEO: If you're agreeable to it, we would love it if you could just get into that giant box. Get into the box and you'll go back to Barbie Land. And everything will be as it was. BARBIE: You know what? We should probably get Ken first. MATTEL CEO: Ken? BARBIE: You know, Ken. Barbie and Ken. MATTEL CEO: Oh! Yes, Ken. Yeah. MATTEL COO: Ken. The guy. Yeah. Cut to Ken on a bike as he takes the route back to Barbieland. KEN: Back to Barbie Land! He hangs onto a rocket ship and later a boat. KEN: I'm gonna be sick. I'm gonna be sick. He throws up. Cut back to Mattel Headquarters. MATTEL CEO: Ken isn't something we're worried about. Ever. BARBIE: Okay, I'll just, um, I'll get in the box then. MATTEL CEO: All right! Yes! BARBIE: Oh. But since I came all this way, could I just meet the woman in charge, your CEO? MATTEL CEO: Oh, that would be me. BARBIE: Oh. Your CFO. MATTEL CFO: Me. BARBIE: Your COO. MATTEL COO: Here. BARBIE: President of the Barbie division. MATTEL PRESIDENT: Present. AARON: I'm a man with no power. Does that make me a woman? BARBIE: Are any women in charge? The Ceo begins coming around the conference table towards Barbie. MATTEL CEO: Listen, I know exactly where you're going with this, and I have to say I really resent it. We are a company literally made of women. We had a woman CEO in the '90s. And there was another one… at some other time. So that's… That's two right there. Women are the freaking foundation of this very long phallic building. We have gender-neutral bathrooms up the wazoo. Every single one of these men love women. I'm the son of a mother. I'm the mother of a son. I'm, I'm the nephew of a woman aunt. Some of my best friends are Jewish. What I'm trying to say is… Get in the box, you Jezebel! The rest of the executives mutter. MATTEL CEO: What? I can't say Jezebel now? BARBIE: I haven't been in a box in ages. One of the men stands in the box. MATTEL CEO: See? It's easy. BARBIE: Oh, okay. MATTEL CEO: Huh. BARBIE: Oh, my gosh. I remember this smell. I'm having a real Proustian flashback. MATTEL CEO: Remember Proust Barbie? That did not sell very well. Some men begin strapping her into the box. She suddenly steps back out. BARBIE: Oh! Ha-ha! You know what? Um, before I get in the box, could I just run to the restroom and make sure my hair is perfect? MATTEL CEO: Fine. Can you be speedy about it? BARBIE: Mmm-hmm. She walks to the door. BARBIE: Down this way? MATTEL CEO: It's just down the hallway. BARBIE: Thank you. MATTEL CEO: On the right. "Speed Drive" begins playing as Barbie sprints to the elevator. MATTEL CEO: I guess she really had to go to the bathroom. An alarm begins to blare. MATTEL CEO: Get that Barbie! The executives all get into the other elevator. MATTEL CEO: Don't you dare push that button. Let me push it. He pushes the button. Cut to Barbie running into the cubicle room. MATTEL CEO: I said get that Barbie! Everyone begins running around the room while Barbie avoids capture. MATTEL CEO: I'm gaining on you. I'll capture you. They both scream as they come face to face. They run off for a moment before the CEO runs back after her. MATTEL CEO: Barbie! He attempts to jump over a cubicle while several others help him. MATTEL CEO: It's quicker to go over the cubicles. It's quicker! MATTEL CFO: Sure. Barbie spots an exit and makes a break for it. MATTEL CEO: Get that Barbie! MAN 1: Barbie! MAN 2: Barbie! MATTEL CEO: I'm gonna get you! Barbie! She makes her way out of the room and uses a broom to prevent the door from being opened behind her. She finds herself in a long gray hallway and tries several doors before entering a huge, dark room. In the room is a kitchen set with a woman sitting at a table. RUTH: Don't worry. You're safe here. BARBIE: What is this place? RUTH: I always find I think best at kitchen tables. Tea? BARBIE: Uh, yes, please. Ruth pours some tea. BARBIE: So a woman does work here. RUTH: Oh, sweetie, we do more than work here. BARBIE: Thank you. Barbie awkwardly takes a sip of the tea. BARBIE: What? It's because I don't know how to drink tea? RUTH: No. You look different. BARBIE: Oh. It's not how I normally look. I usually look perfect. RUTH: Oh, I don't know. I think you're just right. BARBIE: Real World isn't what I thought it was. RUTH: It never is. And isn't that marvelous? BARBIE: Who are you? They hear some commotion in the hallway outside. RUTH: Uh, if you go through that closet, you'll find a stairwell down to the lobby. BARBIE: Okay. Barbie gets up and walks across the kitchen. She turns back to Ruth. BARBIE: Thank you, um… RUTH: Ruth. BARBIE: Ruth. Thank you, Ruth. RUTH: You're welcome, Barbie. "Speed Drive" resumes as Barbie exits the kitchen and escapes Mattel Headquarters. She goes over a turnstile just as the Mattel Executives arrive in the lobby. MATTEL CEO: Oh, we got her! There she is! Barbie runs outside while the executives all stop at the turnstile. MATTEL CEO: Oh! Uh, key card! I don't have my key card. They all look around, lost. Outside, Gloria pulls up with Sasha. GLORIA: Get in! Gloria and Barbie exchange a long look. GLORIA: Now! Get in now! She opens the back door. GLORIA: Come on. BARBIE: Ahh! She leaps into the back seat. Back inside, the CEO throws a keycard at the turnstile. MATTEL CEO: Oh, no! Now we're never gonna get Barbie! The turnstile clicks open. MATTEL CEO: Oh, we didn't need it! They all pour out through the turnstile as Gloria drives away. MATTEL CEO: Barbie! Let's form a plan here. Some Mattel cars drive up. MATTEL CEO: I would normally have shotgun. I'll go in the first one. The men all get into the cars. Cut to Gloria's car as she drives away. GLORIA: Hang on. Barbie screams as she reaches for a seatbelt. SASHA: God, I hope nobody from school saw us put a life-size Barbie in our car. How did this even happen? GLORIA: I don't know. SASHA: How are you here? You're like an idea. BARBIE: A great idea. GLORIA: So, I've been a little lonely lately. And I found those Barbies we used to play with— SASHA: I thought we gave those away. GLORIA: Well, I started playing with them. And making drawings like we used to do. Remember? Because I thought it would be joyful. BARBIE: Was it? GLORIA: No, it wasn't. I got sad and weird, and then the drawings got sad and weird, and maybe because I couldn't be like you, I ended up making you like me. BARBIE: Did any of these drawings by chance have thoughts of death and cellulite? GLORIA: Yes! Irrepressible Thoughts of Death Barbie. BARBIE: Oh, my God! GLORIA: And Cellulite! They both gasp and speak in unison. BARBIE: I came for you! GLORIA: You came for me! BARBIE: Those were your memories. Barbie recalls the memories she saw of the mother and daughter and discovers the mother in them was Gloria. Cut to Gloria. Sasha's voice echoes faintly as she refocuses on the present. SASHA: (Echoing) Hello? Hello? Hello? (Normal) Hello? Are you two, like, shining? GLORIA: No! No, it's nothing like that. SASHA: Are you shining with a real Barbie? GLORIA: No! I mean, maybe. Like a little, yes. SASHA: I don't even know where to start with this wishing-a-Barbie-to-life crap. GLORIA: Oh, Sasha, listen. I'm just a boring mom with a boring job and a daughter who hates me. Can you blame me for wanting to have a little fun? She sees the Mattel cars approaching in her side mirror. GLORIA: I gotta lose these chuckleheads. Gloria begins trying to evade the Mattel cars. BARBIE: Ahh! SASHA: Mom! BARBIE: I think I owe you ladies an apology. I thought that Barbie had made the Real World better, but the Real World is forever and irrevocably messed up! GLORIA: Well, the Real World is not perfect, but you inspired me. BARBIE: I love women. I want to help women. SASHA: Oh, come off it, everybody hates women. Women hate women, and men hate women. It's the one thing we can all agree on. BARBIE: Is that true? GLORIA: It's complicated. Hate is a strong word. SASHA: Wake up, Mom! Gloria slams on the brakes. GLORIA: I am wide awake, Sasha! She peels onto an off-ramp, losing the Mattel cars. SASHA: Mom, where did you learn to drive like this? GLORIA: There was this guy. SASHA: Was it Dad? GLORIA: Yeah, yeah, it was… It was Dad. The Mattel cars drive through a park to catch back up to them. Gloria eventually hides the car in an alleyway to lose them. GLORIA: Okay, duck. The trio hides. GLORIA: You look so pretty. SASHA: Don't look at me. GLORIA: Okay, sorry. The Mattel cars pass by without stopping. GLORIA: I can't hold them off forever. SASHA: Where can we go? BARBIE: Wait, I have an idea. Can you get us to Venice Beach? GLORIA: Sure can. CUT TO: EXT. VENICE BEACH Cut to the trio in rollerblades on the beach. GLORIA: Ah! I love Rollerblades. Where are we going? BARBIE: Barbie Land. SASHA: What? Mom! Are you really gonna let Barbie take you and your tween daughter to an imaginary land? GLORIA: Yes, and you wanna know why? Because I never get to do anything. I didn't even go on that cruise I won at your school raffle because I didn't have enough vacation days and your dad's allergic to sun. BARBIE: Oh. SASHA: What about Dad? We can't just leave him! GLORIA: He'll be fine. Cut to Gloria's husband sitting on a couch at home with a language learning app. HUSBAND: Bolígrafos. APP: Bolígrafos. HUSBAND: Bolígrafos. The app chimes. He smiles. Cut back to the beach. SASHA: Yeah, yeah. He'll be fine. BARBIE: Ready for fun? GLORIA: Yes! BARBIE: Great! Here we go! Come on and feel the magic. As they rollerblade, winter scenery appears. They ride past on a snowmobile. GLORIA: Where are we? SASHA: How did we get into these clothes? BARBIE: How did we get into this vehicle? GLORIA: When I was a kid, I lost these boots and my mom wouldn't let me buy a whole new Barbie just to replace the boots. BARBIE: They look so good on you. GLORIA: Why, thank you. Transition to the camper van. BARBIE: Hey, you! GLORIA: She was always my favorite Barbie. BARBIE: You're my favorite human. Transition to the trio on a tandem bike. GLORIA: Don't tell him, but I never got a Ken. BARBIE: That's because Ken is totally superfluous. Gloria laughs. Barbie gasps. BARBIE: I didn't say that. Transition to the rocket ship. BARBIE: Women hold all major positions of power, control all the money. Basically, everything that men do in your world, women do in ours. SASHA: I mean, that sounds kind of cool. Transition to the speedboat. GLORIA: Sasha, look, dolphins! Cut to the racecar as they drive back into Barbieland. Barbie and Gloria sing along with "Closer to Fine" on the radio while Sasha looks disgruntled in the backseat. BARBIE, GLORIA, & RADIO: Closer I am to fine, yeah Closer I am to fine SASHA: What is this song? BARBIE: Oh, and we have a female president and it's fun and work and friendship and female 24/7. SASHA: Do giant hands come in and play with you? BARBIE: No, that's crazy. CUT TO: EXT. VENICE BEACH Cut back to the beach. The Mattel executives approach a man weightlifting. MATTEL CEO: Excuse me. Have you seen a group of women on wheels? WEIGHTLIFTER: Actually, yeah, there was a blonde, a brunette and a tween. They Rollerbladed in that direction. MATTEL CEO: Oh, no. First step is always Rollerblading. AARON: Excuse me, sir? MATTEL CEO: They've gone to Barbie Land. AARON: Oh, no. MATTEL CEO: And she's brought humans there with her. This could mean extremely weird things for our world. AARON: Like what? MATTEL CEO: Nothing any of our collective imaginations could ever dream up. MATTEL CFO: A podcast hosted by two wise trees. Or a choir of 2,000 young fathers. MATTEL CEO: Not even close. We've got to get to Barbie Land. Go! Find some blades now! Just pick a direction and run! The executives scatter. CUT TO: EXT. BARBIELAND Cut back to the trio in the car. BARBIE: I can practically feel my heels lifting already. Yes! This is what I was supposed to do. Bring you back here. GLORIA: It feels right. BARBIE: It does. The pass the beach and see a volleyball game. BARBIE: Okay, this is… Oh. That's strange. Barbie sees that the Kens are playing volleyball while the Barbies cheer. "Man I Am" plays as the game continues. President Barbie walks up to a Ken with a tray of beers. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Incoming brewski beer. BARBIE: So, that's our president, with the beer. And the cheering squad is the Supreme Court. PRESIDENT BARBIE: This is so much better than being president. BARBIE: Something's weird today. Mermaid Ken rises out of the water and waves at Barbie. MERMAID BARBIE: Hi, Barbie! BARBIE: Oh, okay. Hi, Ken. Mermaid Barbie emerges and hands him a beer. MERMAID BARBIE: Have a brewski beer. My big guy is thirsty. BARBIE: Anyway, uh… Wait until you see my Dreamhouse. Everything I've bought and own will totally inspire you. And we can change clothes again! They start driving again. BARBIE: That's the Capitol. Cut to the capital. GLORIA: Ah! SASHA: It's pink? GLORIA: Pink! BARBIE: And that's the… She looks off at the Barbie sculpture which has been turned into a sculpture of horses. Barbie frowns. Cut to them arriving at her cul de sac. BARBIE: These are the Dreamhouses. This is where I live. GLORIA: You can see through the houses. SASHA: So does each Barbie, like, have their own house? BARBIE: Mmm-hmm. SASHA: That's cool. Where do the Kens stay? BARBIE: I don't know. Cut to Barbie's Dreamhouse. The Kens are all hanging out on the lawn. Ken stands with Basketball Ken. KEN: At first I thought the Real World was run by men. And then there was a minute where I thought it was run by horses. Several of the other Kens listen in. KEN: But then I realized that horses are just men extenders. KENS: Ah. Allan sits uncomfortably among the Kens. Barbie, Gloria, and Sasha arrive at the Dreamhouse. GLORIA: Oh. I had that treehouse. I saved up my allowance to buy it. Barbie passes a large car on her lawn. BARBIE: I've never seen a car like that before. What happened here? They park in front of the Dreamhouse. KEN: Everything, basically everything exists to expand and elevate the presence of men. STEREOTYPICAL KEN: That's beautiful. KEN: I know. KEN 1: Barbie's here. KEN 2: Uh-oh. BARBIE: Ken? Ken turns around and sees Barbie. BARBIE: What have you done? What are you wearing? KEN: Don't question it. Just roll with it, tiny baby. BARBIE: Don't call me baby. KEN: What about mini-baby? Like this mini-fridge. He opens a fridge. BARBIE: No, Ken. This is my Dreamhouse. It is my Dreamhouse! It's mine! KEN: No, this is no longer Barbie's Dreamhouse. This shall henceforth be known as Ken's Mojo Dojo Casa House. SASHA: You don't have to say dojo and house. GLORIA: And casa. KEN: But you do because it feels good. Try it. GLORIA & SASHA: Mojo Dojo Casa— BARBIE: No, girls. Don't say it. KEN: Mojo Dojo Casa House. CUT TO: EXT. VENICE BEACH Cut to the executives rollerblading on the beach. MATTEL CEO: Give it to me straight. How weird is it? The CEO talks on the phone to an employee at a warehouse. EMPLOYEE: Whoa, boss, these Mojo Dojo Casa Houses are literally flying off the shelves. Cut to the warehouse where crates of Mojo Dojo Casa Houses are being shipped. EMPLOYEE: The kids are clamoring for them. Ken is on T-shirts, mugs. It's the number one tattoo. MATTEL CEO: Oh, no. EMPLOYEE: Warner Bros. have started auditions for the Ken movie, which is already a blockbuster hit. MATTEL CEO: It's happening. That thing we could never imagine. If we don't get my words lady— AARON: Executive Assistant. MATTEL CEO: My Executive Words Lady and someone who's probably her daughter back here and close the portal, our worlds could be altered forever. MATTEL COO: Well, what does it matter if it's Barbie or Ken? The money is pouring in. MATTEL CEO: Shame on you, Executive Number Two. You think I spent my entire life in boardrooms because of a bottom line? No! I got into this business because of little girls and their dreams. In the least creepy way possible. Now, blade faster. Time is running out. CUT TO: EXT. BARBIE'S DREAMHOUSE Ken walks past Barbie and grabs a golf club. KEN: Look, I'm just having some brewski beers at my Mojo Dojo Casa House. He destroys some plants with the club. The others gasp. BARBIE: Ken! KEN: You can stay if you want, as my bride wife, or my long-term-low-commitment-distance girlfriend. What do you say? BARBIE: Ugh. KEN: Brewski beer me? BARBIE: I will not brewski beer you. KEN: Ha-ha-ha. That's fine. You know, now that you Barbies aren't around to run everything, we can do our hair however we like. BASKETBALL KEN: I have hats. Physicist Barbie comes out of the house in a maid uniform. PHYSICIST BARBIE: Where are my hungry boys? Who wants snacks? BARBIE: Barbie, I am so happy to see you. Can you believe what is happening? PHYSICIST BARBIE: I know. Isn't it great? Doctor Barbie comes out in a maid outfit. DOCTOR BARBIE: Anyone need a brewski beer? BARBIE: What are you doing? You're a doctor. DOCTOR BARBIE: I like being a helpful decoration. PHYSICIST BARBIE: And Allan likes to help me give all the Kens foot massages. ALLAN: No, I don't, I don't like that. Cut to a nearby couch where Lawyer Barbie and Judge Barbie give a Ken a foot massage. LAWYER & JUDGE BARBIE: We love it. BARBIE: Ugh, so gross. KEN: I'm so blotto-faced day-drunk right now. Physicist Barbie laughs. BASKETBALL KEN: Ditto same-same that. PHYSICIST BARBIE: I like not having to make any decisions. It's like a spa day for my brain. Forever. BARBIE: What is wrong with them? KEN: We just explained to them the immaculate, impeccable seamless garment of logic that is patriarchy, and they crumbled. GLORIA: Oh, my God. This is like in the 1500s with the indigenous people and smallpox. They had no defenses against it. KEN: Yeah. Buckle up, babe. Ken gets on top of his large car. KEN: Because Barbie Land is now Ken Land. And it's gonna be just like Century City in Los Angeles, because they had it all figured out in Century City. The minute you get out of your car, you're like, "I can't believe how great this place is!" BARBIE: No, no, no. They don't have it figured out in Century City because we failed them. KEN: No! You failed me! He sighs. KEN: Out there, I was somebody. And when I walked down the street, people respected me just for who I am. One lady, she even asked me for the time. TOURIST KEN: No way! KEN: Way. He flexes several watches on his wrists. KEN: And if it weren't for these technicalities like MBAs, medical degrees, and I don't know, swim lessons, I could have ruled that world. But I don't need any of those things here. He slides down off the car. KEN: Here, I'm just a dude. And you know what? He walks over to a pull-up bar and does a pull-up. KEN: That's enough. TV remote. Artist Ken walks over and hands him a remote. KEN: Which one is it? ARTIST KEN: Oh, it's that one right there. Ken turns on a nearby flatscreen. A recording plays of Journalist Barbie interviewing Stereotypical Ken. STEREOTYPICAL KEN: Call me Mister Ken President Prime Minister, ma'am. JOURNALIST BARBIE: Let's recap all the amazing changes and innovations thanks to the Kens. Cut to a stage. EMCEE KEN: The Nobel Prize in horses goes to… CROWD: Ken! Several rolling chairs are on stage. Ken pretends to be asleep. Artist Ken claps. Ken gets up and waves a flag around. CROWD: Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Barbie gasps. The TV cuts to the Barbieland Supreme Court, now with Kens as judges. JOURNALIST BARBIE: Wow. And now you're making it permanent with a special election to change the Constitution. Cut to the Pink House where a group of Kens poses with an executive order. STEREOTYPICAL KEN: That's right. In just 48 hours, all the Kens will head to the polls and vote to change the Constitution to a government for the Kens, of the Kens, and by the Kens! Ken and Basketball Ken jam out as Barbie, Gloria, and Sasha look aghast. BARBIE: You can't do this. This is Barbie Land. The Barbies worked hard and they dreamed hard to make it everything that it is. You… You can't just undo it in a day. KEN: Literally and figuratively, watch me. He hands his keyboard to Basketball Ken. KEN: Now, if you'll excuse me… this is my Mojo Dojo Casa House, it's not Barbie's Mojo Dojo Casa House. Right? How's that feel? It is not fun, is it? KENS AND BARBIES: It's boys' night! The Kens and Barbies in the house cheer and begin to party. Ken puts on shades. KEN: Every night is boys' night. He puts on another pair of shades and walks to the house. KENS: Go, Ken! Go, Ken! Go, Ken! Barbie begins to cry. She begins to run away. KEN: Barbie! Take your lady fashions with you. Take your Celebrate Disco Bell Bottoms. Ken throws the Bell Bottoms. They pause mid-air while a label appears before they fall to the ground. KEN: And your Ice Capades Pretty Practice Suit and Dazzling Show Skirt. He throws them. They pause mid-air while a label appears before they fall to the ground. GLORIA: These are archival. KEN: Your Pajama Jam in Amsterdam sets. He throws them. They pause mid-air while a label appears before they fall to the ground. BARBIE: No! KEN: And your Pretty Paisley Palazzo Pants! He throws them. They pause mid-air while a label appears before they fall to the ground. BARBIE: Not the Palazzos! KEN: And get out! Barbie cries and turns away from the house. Gloria picks up some of the clothes. GLORIA: Maybe this could fit me. Barbie runs to a nearby streetlamp and cries against it. Gloria and Sasha walk up to her. GLORIA: Honey. BARBIE: Why did you wish me to your messed-up world using your complicated human thoughts and feelings? GLORIA: What? BARBIE: Barbie Land was perfect before. I was perfect before. GLORIA: I'm so sorry. I wasn't trying to do anything. SASHA: Don't apologize. GLORIA: I was just— SASHA: Don't blame my mom. GLORIA: Aw, Sasha, that's sweet. SASHA: Maybe you wished us. Maybe it's your fault, Barbie. BARBIE: No, I didn't wish anything. I've never wanted anything to change. GLORIA: Oh, honey, that's life. It's all change. BARBIE: That's… That's terrifying. I don't want that. She kicks off her shoes. BARBIE: Not my life. No, thank you. Just, no, I don't want this. She takes off her jacket and hat before sitting on a lawn. BARBIE: I'm just gonna sit here and wait and hope that one of the more leadership-oriented Barbies just snaps out of it and does something about this whole mess. GLORIA: I really understand this feeling. It's basically, like, being a human person all the time— BARBIE: Please just leave me here. Just leave me. Go back to your messed-up world and just leave me to mine. SASHA: So, you're just gonna give up? BARBIE: Yes. Barbie falls over onto the grass. GLORIA: Okay. SASHA: You know, I almost feel bad for you, but you are exactly what I thought you were. GLORIA: Um… Let's go, honey. Let's just… SASHA: Okay, how do we— BARBIE: Do everything we did in reverse. Barbie rolls over. SASHA: Unbelievable. Come on, Mom. She doesn't deserve you. Gloria and Sasha walk back to the car. BARBIE: This is the lowest I've ever been. Emotionally and physically. Hard cut to a Mattel commercial. CHILD NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Okay, kids, it's time to run out and get the new Depression Barbie. Cut between shots of kids with Depression Barbies. CHILD NARRATOR: (Voiceover) She wears sweatpants all day and night. She spent seven hours today on Instagram, looking at her estranged best friend's engagement photos, while eating a family-size bag of Starbursts. And now her jaw is killing her. And she's going to watch the BBC's Pride and Prejudice for the seventh time until she falls asleep. A scene from Pride and Prejudice plays. MR. DARCY: …situation of our families is such that any alliance between us must be regarded as a highly reprehensible connection. CHILD NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Anxiety, panic attacks, and OCD sold separately. Cut back to Barbieland. Weird Barbie turns Barbie over. WEIRD BARBIE: Barbie. Barbie, wake up. Hey. An image of the Weird Barbie doll flashes for a moment. BARBIE: I'm like you now. Ugly and unwanted. WEIRD BARBIE: Thanks. Let's get her in the back. Come on. Cut to a shot of Weird Barbie's van. A Ken and a Barbie help Barbie up. Cut to the Mattel executives heading to Barbieland on a tandem bike. MATTEL CEO: Isn't this great? EXECUTIVES: Yes. MATTEL CEO: Wait until you see the boat. EXECUTIVES: The boat. MATTEL CEO: Beautiful countryside. Cut to Gloria and Sasha as they leave Barbieland. Gloria sings along to "Closer to Fine" on the radio. GLORIA & RADIO: He said he could see through me I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind Got my paper and I was free GLORIA, SASHA, & RADIO: I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains The radio scratches. RADIO DJ KEN: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you our new radio station only playing Ken's favorite song. "Push" by Matchbox 20 begins playing. Allan arises from the backseat. ALLAN: Turn this song off, for Christ's sake! They all scream. Gloria flips the car. The trio lands next to it. SASHA: Who are you? ALLAN: I'm Allan. GLORIA: Oh, you are Allan. That's great. They all get up. ALLAN: Don't tell the Kens. I'm trying to escape. I cannot sit on one more leather couch. It's gonna break my spirit. As soon as they figure out how to build that wall sideways and not just up, no one is gonna be able to get in or out. He gestures towards a group of construction Kens building a tall tower of bricks. ALLAN: So if we want to leave, we better make a run for it. GLORIA: No, Allan. You can't go. Having a Barbie in the Real World is what caused all these problems in the first place. ALLAN: Not one person would care if Allan was in the Real World. In fact, it's happened before. All of *NSYNC, Allan. Yes, even him, so come on! CONSTRUCTION KEN: Hey, you there. SASHA: What do we do? ALLAN: Just get in the car and keep it singing. Hey, man. SASHA: What? ALLAN: Be ready for anything. CONSTRUCTION KEN: Who are you? ALLAN: I'm Allan. I'm, uh, I'm Ken's buddy. Yeah, all of his clothes fit me. Allan suddenly attacks the construction Ken. A fight breaks out. Gloria and Sasha gasp. GLORIA: Get in the car! Allan continues fighting off the Kens. ALLAN: You want a piece? GLORIA: Wait, you don't have a driver's license. SASHA: This car doesn't have an engine. GLORIA: Ugh, fine. Sasha takes a look back at Barbieland and sees that "Kendom" has been sky-written over "Barbieland." GLORIA: What are you doing? We gotta go. SASHA: We have to go back. Barbie Land needs saving. Barbie needs saving. GLORIA: What? You hate Barbie! SASHA: But you don't. You've always believed in what she could be. GLORIA: Yeah, well, I was wrong. Barbie gave up. The Kens won. The fight continues in the background. SASHA: You have to try. Even if, even if you can't make it perfect, you can make it better. GLORIA: I can't make anything better. I'm the one who ruined Barbie Land with my stupid drawings in the first place. SASHA: They're not stupid! They're amazing! GLORIA: You like my drawings? SASHA: They're weird and dark and crazy. Everything you pretend not to be. GLORIA: I am, I am. I'm weird and I'm dark and I'm crazy. Allan chokes out a Ken with a shovel. ALLAN: Easy. Easy. The Ken falls to the ground. Allan turns to the other Kens. ALLAN: Okay. You want some more Allan? The Kens gasp. Allan gets back in the car. ALLAN: We have to get out of here right now. GLORIA: Shut up, Allan! We're going back. Let's go get my doll. Gloria and Sasha perform a synchronized handshake. ALLAN: I'll never get out of here. Sasha turns the car around back to Barbieland. SASHA: Where do we find Barbie? ALLAN: There's only one place she'd be. CUT TO: INT. WEIRD BARBIE'S ESTATE Two Barbies attempt to deprogram Writer Barbie in Weird Barbie's estate. BARBIE: You're a writer. This is your Nobel Prize. Remember winning it? WRITER BARBIE: Huh. WEIRD BARBIE: It's useless trying to deprogram her. I already did everything I could. WRITER BARBIE: Oh, my God. I don't even know how I got here. I don't deserve this. Um, I'd like to thank Ken. Weird Barbie hops down from the second floor. Barbie lays on the ground. WRITER BARBIE: Thank you, Ken. I love you, Ken. WEIRD BARBIE: The fork in my soup is this, Barb. Why didn't the brainwashing work on you? BARBIE: My exposure to the Real World must have made me immune. Either you're brainwashed, or you're weird and ugly. There is no in between. WEIRD BARBIE: Sing it, sister. Well, get ready, kids. Because in 48 hours, Barbie Land becomes Ken Land. The front gate opens in the distance. ALLAN: Come on, gang. We'll find Barbie at the top of these stairs. WEIRD BARBIE: The Kens. They've found us. The members of Weird Barbie's resistance run around. WRITER BARBIE: Ken! One of the Barbies leads Writer Barbie out of sight as Gloria, Sasha, and Allan walk up to Weird Barbie's estate. GLORIA: Hello? WEIRD BARBIE: Hmm? Humans. We're fine. Everyone comes out of hiding. ALLAN: And Allan. BARBIES: Hmm. WEIRD BARBIE: Come into my Weirdhouse. Hi! I'm Weird Barbie. I'm in the splits, I have a funky haircut, and I smell like basement. GLORIA: Oh, my God. I had a Weird Barbie. WEIRD BARBIE: Yeah, you did. GLORIA: You make them weird by playing too hard. WEIRD BARBIE: That's cool. Gloria gasps and looks up at two Kens on the second floor. GLORIA: That's Sugar Daddy Ken. And Earring Magic Ken. Mattel discontinued them. SASHA: Sugar Daddy? SUGAR DADDY KEN: No, no, no. I'm not a sugar daddy. This is Sugar, and I'm her daddy. He holds up a small dog. EARRING MAGIC KEN: And I have an earring. A magic earring. GLORIA: These were actual Kens. She gasps and sees the other Barbies. GLORIA: More discontinued Barbies. Growing Up Skipper? May I? GROWING UP SKIPPER: Okay. GLORIA: Watch this. Gloria lifts up Growing Up Skipper's arm. Her boobs grow larger. GLORIA: Her boobs grow. SASHA: Why would they do that? GLORIA: And Barbie Video Girl. Barbie Video Girl shows the TV in her back before turning to face them. BARBIE VIDEO GIRL: I have a TV in my back. You know whose dream that is? Nobody. Nobody's dream. WEIRD: And that's Barbie Barbie, of course. She's not dead. She's just having an existential crisis. GLORIA: Okay, come on. Gloria helps Barbie up. GLORIA: Hey. What's wrong? BARBIE: I'm not pretty anymore. GLORIA: What? You're so pretty. BARBIE: I'm not Stereotypical Barbie pretty. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Note to the filmmakers. Margot Robbie is the wrong person to cast if you want to make this point. GLORIA: But you're beautiful. BARBIE: It's not just that. I'm not… smart enough to be interesting. GLORIA: You're so smart. BARBIE: I can't do brain surgery, I've never flown a plane. I'm not the president. No one on the Supreme Court is me. I'm not good enough for anything. GLORIA: It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like we have to always be extraordinary. But somehow, we're always doing it wrong. You have to be thin but not too thin, and you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss but you can't be mean. She gets up and begins walking around the room. The others watch with rapt attention. GLORIA: You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood but always stand out. And always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged, so find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard, it's too contradictory, and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you. And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong but also everything is your fault. I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing a woman… then I don't even know. WRITER BARBIE: Wait. I did write a book. It's like I've been in a dream, where I was somehow really invested in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League. But what you said broke me out of it. GLORIA: Really? WRITER BARBIE: Yeah. WEIRD BARBIE: You're back. She's back. BARBIE: By giving voice to the cognitive dissonance required to be a woman under the patriarchy, you robbed it of its power. WRITER BARBIE: Yes. GLORIA: Wow, I just said all of that. SASHA: Hell, yes, White Savior Barbie! BARBIE: No, it was your mom. Your mom did the saving. We have to stop the Kens. And you need to say all of those things to the other Barbies. That's the key. GLORIA: Got it. WRITER BARBIE: But how are we gonna get the Barbies away from their Kens? SASHA: We have experience with a world like this one. BARBIE: Do you have a map of Barbie Land? WEIRD BARBIE: What do you think? Weird Barbie pulls down a huge diorama of Barbieland. SASHA: Wow. WEIRD BARBIE: Thanks. I built it. BARBIE: Okay, here's the deal. It's not just about how they see us, it's about how they see themselves. GLORIA: Ken Land contains the seeds of its own destruction. BARBIE: First we have to get the Barbies away from their Kens. We could use a decoy Barbie who pretends to be brainwashed. That should be you. WRITER BARBIE: Cool. CUT TO: EXT. BARBIELAND Weird Barbie pulls her van out onto the street with Tanner in shotgun. Barbie, Writer Barbie, Gloria, Sasha, and Allan sit in the back of the van. Barbie and Sasha swing the back doors open and the group pours out to prepare a honey trap for the Kens. SASHA: (Voiceover) Distract them by appearing helpless and confused. Kens cannot resist a damsel in distress. GLORIA: (Voiceover) You have to make them believe that you're complacent. That they have the power. And when their guard is down, you take the power back. Writer Barbie sits at a table while the rest of the gang hides around the nearby area. Tourist Barbie walks by with President Barbie. TOURIST BARBIE: The influence that Porsche 356 has had on the motoring world as a whole, it can't be overstated. WRITER BARBIE: Oh! Photoshop is so hard! I just don't understand how to use the Select tool. TOURIST KEN: Honey, you can only use the Select tool if the layer is highlighted. Let me show you. WRITER BARBIE: My tiny head is just swimming with technical jargon like color bands— While she continues to distract Tourist Ken, the rest of the group kidnaps President Barbie. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Oh! Hi. WRITER BARBIE: —and magnetic lassos and bit maps. Do you think that you and your strong arms can explain… PRESIDENT BARBIE: Oh! What's happening? Allan tries to hop a fence. BARBIE: Allan, go around! PRESIDENT BARBIE: Ahh! Oh, but what about Ken? SASHA: No, no, no! PRESIDENT BARBIE: No, but I love him! BARBIE: Come on, Allan! PRESIDENT BARBIE: Hey! What's gonna happen to Ken? Allan finally gets around the fence and closes the back door of the van behind the group. GLORIA: Just listen. You have to be their mommies but not remind them of their mommy. Any power you have must be masked under a giggle. A ding sound is heard. President Barbie reels back. PRESIDENT BARBIE: What happened? One minute I was president, and the next I was cutting a Ken steak for him. GLORIA: Welcome back, Madam President. Cut back to the Weirdhouse while the group was planning. BARBIE: Then we'll recruit the now unbrainwashed Barbies to our cause. ( Voiceover) They can be the new decoys. The group sets up another trap, with President Barbie as the bait. Basketball Ken and Lawyer Barbie are in a Dreamhouse watching The Godfather. GLORIA: (Voiceover) You can tell him that you've never seen The Godfather. And that you'd love them to explain it to you. President Barbie approaches Lawyer Barbie and Basketball Ken. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Ooh, are you guys watching The Godfather? She puts the emphasis on the wrong syllable. Basketball Ken compulsively corrects her. BASKETBALL KEN: The Godfather. PRESIDENT BARBIE: I've never seen it. BASKETBALL KEN: Oh, my God. You've never seen The Godfather? This movie is a rich blend of Coppola's aesthetic genius and a triumph for Robert Evans and the architecture of the '70s studio system. As he explains, the group kidnaps Lawyer Barbie. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Can you start the movie over and just talk through the whole thing? Cut to Gloria deprogramming Lawyer Barbie in the van. GLORIA: You have to find a way to reject men's advances without damaging their egos, because if you say yes to them, you're a tramp, but if you say no to them, you're a prude. There's a ding as Lawyer Barbie is deprogrammed. LAWYER BARBIE: I don't wanna touch a foot. GLORIA: No, you don't. Cut back to the Weirdhouse while the group was planning. SASHA: Another one, be confused about money. Cut to Lawyer Barbie at the Dreamhouse. LAWYER BARBIE: I just have all my money in a savings account. Next to her is Physicist Barbie who is massaging Stereotypical Ken's back. STEREOTYPICAL KEN: That's totally wrong. You need treasury bonds, corporate bonds, CDs. LAWYER BARBIE: No one has CDs anymore. STEREOTYPICAL KEN: Oh, sweetheart, you are so cute when you're confused. But no, not music. The group kidnaps Physicist Barbie while Stereotypical Ken is talking. STEREOTYPICAL KEN: CD stands for Certificate of Deposit. Cut to the Dreamhouse later. Physicist Barbie keeps Artist Ken's attention while the group kidnaps Judge Barbie from behind him. ARTIST KEN: Stephen Malkmus really harnessed the acerbic talk-singing of Lou Reed with post-punk influences such as Wire and The Fall. Doctor Barbie is grabbed from the dreamhouse. Physicist Barbie sits in the van. PHYSICIST BARBIE: What am I wearing? I would never choose this. GLORIA: Because you're a physicist. Do you want some pants? PHYSICIST BARBIE: Yeah. Judge Barbie and Doctor Barbie both get deprogrammed. GLORIA: Welcome back, Barbie. Doctor Barbie sits near the Dreamhouse with glasses on. DOCTOR BARBIE: Gee, I am so awkward and don't feel pretty at all, and will anyone ever like me? SASHA: (Voiceover) Or distract them with the old standby. Wearing glasses so they can discover that you're pretty. Ken lays under a car nearby working on it. He rolls out from underneath and looks at Doctor Barbie. KEN: May I? DOCTOR BARBIE: Sure. Go ahead. He gently pulls her glasses off. KEN: There. Now we can see your beautiful face. Cut back to the Weirdhouse while the group was planning. GLORIA: And then there's pretending to be terrible at every sport ever. Cut through several shots of Barbies pretending to be bad at sports in front of Kens. STEREOTYPICAL KEN: Here, let me show you. BASKETBALL KEN: Here, let me show you. TOURIST KEN: Here, let me show you. ARTIST KEN: Here, let me show you. Cut to a wide shot of dozens of Kens. KENS: Here, let us show you. Cut back to the Weirdhouse while the group was planning. BARBIE: We'll do this until every single Barbie is deprogrammed and ready to take back Barbie Land. GROUP: Yes! Cut to the Weirdhouse later, full of deprogrammed Barbies. Weird Barbie and Sasha sit on the second floor together. Weird Barbie whistles. WEIRD BARBIE: Hey! Tomorrow the Kens vote to change the Constitution, so we have to get there first. SASHA: The final stage of our plan, to turn the Kens against each other. Now that they think they have power over you, you make them question whether they have enough power over each other. Gloria helps Barbie with her make-up. BARBIE: What if this doesn't work? What if he doesn't… like me anymore? GLORIA: He likes you. BARBIE: He was really upset. GLORIA: Because he likes you. And because he knows deep down that you don't like him the same way. BARBIE: It still doesn't mean I want to hurt him. GLORIA: He took your house. He brainwashed your friends. He wants to control the government. BARBIE: True. GLORIA: Girl. BARBIE: Yeah. Wow. GLORIA: Yeah. BARBIE: It's like I'm a woman already. GLORIA: Welcome. BARBIE: Is this what it's like? Cut to the group assembled later. GLORIA: It's time. BARBIE: I'm ready. Gloria hands her a purse. BARBIE: Thank you. Here I go. CUT TO: INT. DREAMHOUSE Barbie arrives at the Dreamhouse and rings the doorbell. Ken walks past. BARBIE: Hi. Objects clatter as Ken shuffles around in the background. Eventually, he approaches the entrance with a book in his hand. KEN: Oh, hey. You've caught me reading. BARBIE: Oh. I've been thinking. KEN: Mm-hmm. BARBIE: Ken Land. KEN: Kendom. BARBIE: Kendom. KEN: Kendom Land. BARBIE: Land of the— KEN: Land of the free and the men. BARBIE: Right. Well, this place is— KEN: Kendom Land. BARBIE: Really great. He flexes his arm as she talks. BARBIE: And the Kens really are just better at ruling than the Barbies ever were. KEN: Well, we just took patriarchy and you know, made a patriarchy. BARBIE: Yeah, well, I was thinking… KEN: Yes? BARBIE: I'm ready to be your long-term-distance-low-commitment casual girlfriend, if you'll still have me. KEN: Would you just hold on for one second? BARBIE: Oh, okay. He walks back inside and goes just around a corner. KEN: Sublime! He walks back over. KEN: I don't know. I'm gonna have to think about that. BARBIE: Oh. Please? She leans in closer to him. KEN: Okay. Come on in. I'll play the guitar at you. BARBIE: Oh, yay! Cut inside. Ken plays "Push" by Matchbox 20. KEN: Said, "I don't know if I've ever been good enough I'm a little bit rusty And I think my head is cavin' in CUT TO: EXT. BEACH Cut to the pair at the beach later. Text on screen reads "4 hours later…" Ken is still singing "Push." KEN: And I don't know if I've ever been really loved By a hand that's touched me And I feel like something's got to give And I'm a little bit angry" Yeah, this ain't over No, not here, no Not while I still need you around You don't owe me We might change, yeah Yeah, we just might feel good The camera pulls back to reveal that dozens of Kens and Barbies are at the beach on dates, with every Ken serenading their respective Barbie with "Push" by Matchbox 20. KENS: I wanna push you around Well, I will, well, I will I wanna push you down Well, I will, well, I will The Kens continue playing as Barbie narrates. BARBIE: (Voiceover) This is the final stage of our plan. Give them their dream come true. And at the peak of their happiness, when they think you actually care about this song… You take it all away. KEN: I will Barbie's phone chimes. She reads something and laughs. KEN: Who are you texting? BARBIE: Huh? KEN: Who are you texting? BARBIE: No one. KEN: Let me just… He grabs her phone and looks at it. KEN: Ken! BARBIE: Sorry. One sec. She takes her phone back and walks away. Ken sees her go over to Tourist Ken. BARBIE: That's a beautiful song that you're playing. Did you write it? TOURIST KEN: Yes. You want to sit here and watch me do it, while I stare uncomfortably into your eyes for four and a half minutes? BARBIE: I would love that. All of the Barbies begin to switch which Ken they're on a date with. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Sorry, one sec. KENS: I wanna push you around WRITER BARBIE: Be right back. KENS: Well, I will, well, I will, I wanna push… BARBIE: (Voiceover) You play on their egos and their petty jealousies, and you turn them against each other. JUDGE BARBIE: One sec. KENS: I wanna take you for granted LAWYER BARBIE: Sorry. BARBIE: (Voiceover) While they're fighting, we take back Barbie Land. The Kens all look upset. CUT TO: EXT. CUL DE SAC The Kens all sit around in their Dreamhouses later that night. ARTIST KEN: Does the title of long-term-distance-casual-low-commitment girlfriend mean nothing? What do we do? BASKETBALL KEN: We beach every individual one of them off. KEN: No. We go to war. BASKETBALL KEN: Against the Barbies? KEN: No, against the Kens. ARTIST KEN: But we are the Kens. KENS: The other Kens. BASKETBALL KEN: Well, we should probably call them something else so it doesn't get confusing. KEN: No, because we'll know what we mean. BASKETBALL KEN: But when we're on the battlefield and you say "Ken at four o'clock," how will I know if you mean us Kens or the other Kens? KEN: Because, my dudes, we attack at ten o'clock and take advantage of the morning waves. ARTIST KEN: But not so early 'cause we're gonna want to sleep in. KEN: Right. BASKETBALL KEN: But what will we fight with? We have no guns. KEN: Tennis rackets and volleyballs. ARTIST KEN: And slap fights. KEN: And beach offs. BASKETBALL KEN: Yes. ARTIST KEN: Oh, yeah. The Kens laugh. They fade as the shot transitions to day. Ken starts singing "I'm Just Ken." KEN: Doesn't seem to matter what I do I'm always number two No one knows how hard I tried, oh-oh, I Cut to Ken and his group of Kens assembling in the cul de sac. KEN: I have feelings that I can't explain Drivin' me insane All my life, been so polite But I'll sleep alone tonight CUT TO: EXT. BEACH Ken's army of Kens arrives on the beach decked out with sports equipment and commences the battle. KEN: 'Cause I'm just Ken Anywhere else, I'd be a ten Ken sees Tourist Ken in the distance leading another army of Kens. KEN: Is it my destiny to live and die a life of blond fragility? I'm just Ken Where I see love, she sees a friend What will it take for her to see the man behind the tan and fight for me? The Kens square off. KEN: I'll see you on the Malibu beach! TOURIST KEN: Charge! The two armies charge into the fray. KEN CHORUS: You can't, Ken, you can't, Ken You can't, Ken Ken and Tourist Ken approach each other, fighting through other Kens. Gloria watches from nearby with binoculars. GLORIA: And now they destroy themselves. Cut to a shot of the resistance all watching the beach. WEIRD BARBIE: You know what I think? I think we should put our freaking Constitution back. WRITER BARBIE: Yes. PHYSICIST BARBIE: That's a great idea. The Mattel executives arrive and wander through the Ken battle. MATTEL CEO: This is a real hornet's nest in here. Aaron gets hit in the face with a ball. MATTEL CEO: Watch your flank. The CFO laughs. Someone shoots him. MATTEL CFO: I got shot. MATTEL CEO: That's impossible. MATTEL CFO: Are there real weapons here? MATTEL CEO: Nope. Ken continues to fight off Kens. KEN: I wanna know what it's like to love To be the real thing Is it a crime? Am I not hot when I'm in my feelings? And is my moment finally here, or am I dreaming? I'm no dreamer Ken and Tourist Ken finally come face-to-face. As they square off, the whole beach gets filled with sparkles. Stereotypical Ken falls to his knees, weeping. Basketball Ken screams. Artist Ken lets the sparkles envelop him. The scene transitions to an empty liminal space where all of the Kens are in identical black clothing. Ken and Tourist Ken dance at each other from the heads of their respective Ken troupes. They all dance each other off as the song continues. KEN CHORUS: Ken Ken Can you feel? Can't you? Ken They are, you are, we are KEN: I'm just Ken Anywhere else, I'd be a ten Is it my destiny to live and die a life of blond fragility? I'm just Ken Where I see love, she sees a friend What will it take for her to see the man behind the tan and fight for me? I'm just Ken KEN CHORUS: And I'm great at doing stuff So, hey, check me out, yeah, I'm just Ken KEN: My name's Ken KEN CHORUS: And so am I Put that manly hand in mine So, hey, world, check me out, yeah, I'm just Ken Baby, I'm just Ken Nobody else, nobody else The Kens all hold hands. Cut back to the beach with the Kens all in the same pose. Basketball Ken comes up behind Ken. BASKETBALL KEN: Ken! Ken. KEN: Huh? Yeah? BASKETBALL KEN: Weren't we supposed to vote today? KEN: What? BASKETBALL KEN: To change the Constitution. KEN: Oh, it was today, wasn't it? CUT TO: INT. SUPREME COURT The Barbies all run around and cheer in the Supreme Court building. Ken banners are torn down. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Okay, ladies, let's do this. All those in favor of letting Barbie Land be Barbie Land, say "Aye." BARBIES: Aye! They all cheer and celebrate. Sasha and Gloria hug. ALLAN: I'm so happy. BARBIES: Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie! CUT TO: EXT. CUL DE SAC The Kens all gallop back to the dreamhouses. KEN: Is it just my imagination, or did these Mojo Dojo Casa Houses just get dreamier? The Barbies all emerge from the Dreamhouses. PRESIDENT BARBIE: That's because they're Dreamhouses, mother— As she swears, a beep plays and the Mattel logo appears briefly over her mouth. The Kens gasp. PRESIDENT BARBIE: That's right. We've reinstated the Barbie Land Constitution to what it should be. And restored all the Barbies' brains and autonomy. The Barbies all cheer. PRESIDENT BARBIE: And we seriously disinfected those houses. TOURIST KEN: What do we do? KEN: Kens! The Kens all link arms together. BASKETBALL KENS: Who are we attacking, sir? KEN: No… No… He breaks out into tears and runs into Barbie's Dreamhouse. KEN: Don't look at me! PRESIDENT BARBIE: (Whispering) Is he crying? BARBIE: Just give us a minute. She walks after him. Allan tears up. Barbie Finds Ken sobbing on her bed. BARBIE: Ken. Are you okay? KEN: Yeah. Totally. BARBIE: It's okay if you're crying. You know, I cried too. It's actually kind of amazing. KEN: I'm a liberated man. I know crying is not weak. BARBIE: Okay. You wanna sit up for a minute? He sits up. KEN: This, uh… It was hard running stuff. I didn't love it. He sobs. BARBIE: I get it. KEN: And those mini-fridges are so small. BARBIE: Mm-hmm. KEN: You could only fit a six pack in them. And the freezers are basically useless. To be honest, when I found out that patriarchy wasn't about horses, I lost interest anyway. BARBIE: That's okay. KEN: I always thought this would be our house. BARBIE: Oh. He sobs. BARBIE: Ken. I think I owe you an apology. KEN: Huh? BARBIE: I'm really sorry I took you for granted. KEN: Oh. BARBIE: Not every night had to be girls' night. KEN: Thank you for saying that. Thank you. He tries to kiss her. She stops him. BARBIE: Oh. I didn't mean to suggest, uh… He gets up. KEN: I just don't know who I am without you. BARBIE: You're Ken. KEN: But it's "Barbie and Ken." There is no just "Ken." That's why I was created. I only exist within the warmth of your gaze. Without it, I'm just another blond guy who can't do flips. He dramatically grabs a nearby pillar. Everyone outside watches. BARBIE: Maybe it's time to discover who Ken is. KEN: Okay. I think I get it now. Okay. He sweeps her off her feet for a kiss. BARBIE: No, no, no! This isn't the answer. He lets her go and smacks himself. Everyone gasps. KEN: I feel so stupid. KEN 1: No. KEN 2: No. KEN: I look so stupid. BARBIES: Yeah. KEN: I look so stupid! KENS: No! [crying] TOURIST KEN: So cool. You look so cool. BARBIE: Okay. Ken, you have to figure out who you are without me. KEN: Why? BARBIE: You're not your girlfriend. You're not your house, you're not your mink. KEN: Beach? BARBIE: Nope. You're not even beach. Maybe all the things that you thought made you you aren't… really you. Maybe it's Barbie and… it's Ken. KEN: Ken is… me? BARBIE: Yes. KEN: Ken is me! BARBIE: And I'm Barbie. KEN: Ken… is me! BASKETBALL KEN: Ken is me! STEREOTYPICAL KEN: Ken is me! TOURIST KEN: Ken is me! ARTIST KEN: I don't even care about being Ken anymore. I just miss my friend Barbie! KEN: That's cool! ARTIST KEN: Barbie! PHYSICIST BARBIE: I'm right here. KEN: Ken! He throws his coat down to Basketball Ken. It pauses in mid-air as its name appears on-screen before landing in his arms. KEN: I want you to have it. BARBIE: Aw. That's nice. BASKETBALL KEN: We were only fighting because we didn't know who we were. The Kens nod. Ken slides down the Dreamhouse slide. KEN: Ken is me! The Mattel CEO appears from inside of the treehouse. MATTEL CEO: Ken is right. It's just so hard to be a leader. You know? GLORIA: That's my boss. The other executives are nearby. MATTEL CEO: It's… Ah! The CEO sees Midge. MATTEL CEO: Oh. Midge, gosh. I thought we discontinued her. Look, do you know how many times I've wanted to stand up in a board meeting and just say, "Can we just tickle each other?" MATTEL CFO: Really? MATTEL CEO: Let's have a company retreat and just tickle each other. He begins tickling the other executives. MATTEL CEO: Someone get me. Someone get me. The executives tickle him. MATTEL CEO: I love being tickled. Some of the Kens tickle each other. Aaron begins to hug the CEO. MATTEL CEO: No, no, no. Don't hug me. Don't hug me. But thanks to the Barbies, I, too, can now relieve myself of this heavy existential burden while holding on to the very real title of CEO. And we can restore everything in Barbie Land to exactly the way it was. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Mister Mattel, I— MATTEL CEO: Please. Call me Mother. PRESIDENT BARBIE: No, thank you. I don't think that things should go back to the way that they were. No Barbie or Ken should be living in the shadows. ALLAN: Or Allan. President Barbie approaches Weird Barbie. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Hey. WEIRD BARBIE: Me? PRESIDENT BARBIE: Yeah. WEIRD BARBIE: Oh. Hello. PRESIDENT BARBIE: I just want to say, I'm sorry we called you Weird Barbie behind your back and also to your face. WEIRD BARBIE: That's okay. I'm owning it. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Would you like a job in my cabinet? WEIRD BARBIE: May I please have sanitation? PRESIDENT BARBIE: It's yours. WEIRD BARBIE: Yeah, thank you. PRESIDENT BARBIE: All right. BASKETBALL KEN: Madam President. PRESIDENT BARBIE: Oh. BASKETBALL KEN: Please, may the Kens have one Supreme Court Justice? PRESIDENT BARBIE: Oh, I can't do that. But maybe a lower circuit court judgeship. TOURIST KEN: We accept. As long as we can wear robes. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) Well, the Kens have to start somewhere. And one day, the Kens will have as much power and influence in Barbie Land as women have in the Real World. GLORIA: No, I don't want to. SASHA: Just go! GLORIA: I can't. SASHA: Grow up and go. GLORIA: I have an idea. MATTEL CEO: Tell me your secret dream, child. GLORIA: Okay, what about Ordinary Barbie? She's not extraordinary. She's not president of anything, or maybe she is. Maybe she's a mom. Maybe she's not. Because it's okay to just want to be a mom, or to wanna be president or a mom who is president. Or not a mom who's also not president. She just has a flattering top, and she wants to get through the day feeling kinda good about herself. MATTEL CEO: That's a terrible idea. MATTEL CFO: Yeah, that's going to make money. MATTEL CEO: Oh. Ordinary Barbie. I love it. Fantastic. GLORIA: Okay, great. MATTEL CEO: Great. GLORIA: Cool. MATTEL CEO: Yes. MATTEL COO: We good? MATTEL CEO: I think we're good, right? All right, let's begin the work to close the portal between our two worlds. SASHA: Hey, what about Barbie? MATTEL CEO: What do you mean? SASHA: What's her ending? What does she get? MATTEL CEO: Well, that's easy. She's in love with Ken. CROWD: Aw. SASHA: That is not her ending. The CEO groans. BARBIE: I'm not in love with Ken. MATTEL CEO: What do you want? BARBIE: I don't know. I'm… I'm not really sure where I belong anymore. I don't think I have an ending. RUTH: That was always the point. Everyone turns to see Ruth arrive. RUTH: I created you so you wouldn't have an ending. BARBIE: It's you. You're Ruth from Mattel. RUTH: Baby, I am Mattel. Until the IRS got to me, but that's another movie. BARBIE: So, you're— RUTH: Ruth Handler. Inventor of Barbie. Everyone gasps. GLORIA: That's so cool. MATTEL CEO: Her ghost keeps an office on the 17th floor. RUTH: What? You guys, you think the lady who invented Barbie looks like Barbie? I'm a five-foot-nothing grandma with a double mastectomy and tax evasion issues. Nobody looks like Barbie, except, of course, Barbie. Take a bow, honey. BARBIE: I don't really feel like Barbie anymore. RUTH: Come, walk with me. Ruth extends her hand. Barbie takes it and follows her. Everyone waves at them as they go. KEN: Thank you. Thank you, Barbie. Thank you. The shot fades to Ruth and Barbie walking in a large, white, liminal space. BARBIE: I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do now. I've always been Stereotypical Barbie, and I don't think I'm really good at anything else. RUTH: You saved Barbie Land from patriarchy. BARBIE: That was very much a group effort. RUTH: And you helped that mother and daughter connect. BARBIE: They really helped each other. RUTH: Maybe you're Self-Effacing Barbie? BARBIE: Maybe I'm not Barbie anymore. They stop and face each other. RUTH: You understand that humans only have one ending. Ideas live forever, humans not so much. You know that, right? BARBIE: I do. RUTH: Being a human can be pretty uncomfortable. BARBIE: I know. RUTH: Humans make things up like patriarchy and Barbie just to deal with how uncomfortable it is. BARBIE: I understand that. RUTH: And then you die. BARBIE: Yeah. Yeah. I want to be a part of the people that make meaning. Not the thing that's made. I want to do the imagining. I don't wanna be the idea. Does that make sense? RUTH: I always knew that Barbie would surprise me, but I never expected this. BARBIE: Do you give me permission to become human? RUTH: You don't need my permission. BARBIE: But you're the creator. You… Don't you control me? RUTH: I can't control you any more than I can control my own daughter. I named you after her, Barbara. And I always hoped for you like I hoped for her. We mothers stand still so our daughters can look back to see how far they've come. BARBIE: So, being human's not something I need to… ask for or even want? I can just… It's something that I just discover I am? RUTH: I can't in good conscience let you take this leap without you knowing what it means. Take my hands. Barbie takes her hands. RUTH: Now close your eyes. "What Was I Made For" begins to play faintly in the background. Barbie closes her eyes. RUTH: Now feel. Cut to close-up shots of Barbie. A tear falls down her face. A montage plays of people experiencing life. Ruth lets go of Barbie's hands and Barbie finds herself alone. BARBIE: Yes. Fade to white. CUT TO: EXT. LOS ANGELES Cut to a shot of a beach in Los Angeles. Gloria's car pulls up outside of a building. NARRATOR: (Voiceover) So, Barbie left behind the pastels and plastics of Barbie Land for the pastels and plastics of Los Angeles. Cut inside the car. Barbie and Sasha sit in the backseat. Gloria and her husband are in the front seats. Barbie is wearing a suit. BARBIE: Okay. Thanks for the lift. GLORIA: You got this. SASHA: I'm really proud of you. HUSBAND: Estoy muy orguoso de ti. GLORIA: Orgulloso. HUSBAND: Orgulloso… Orgulloso de ti. GLORIA: There you go. Close enough. BARBIE: You guys are the best. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Whew! Let's do this. HUSBAND: Si se puede. GLORIA: That's a political statement. Barbie gets out of the car. SASHA: That's appropriation, Dad. They all cheer for Barbie as she steps onto the sidewalk. GLORIA: We'll be here when you're done. HUSBAND: We love you! SASHA: You got this! Bye! BARBIE: Okay. GLORIA: We love you! Barbie walks to the building. She enters a waiting room and approaches a receptionist. BARBIE: Hi. RECEPTIONIST: Name? BARBIE: Oh, um, Handler, comma, Barbara. RECEPTIONIST: And what are you here for today, Barbara? BARBIE: I'm here to see my gynecologist. END CREDITS