Suckers

Randy: Joining me now is "White Nationalist Weekly" centerfold and President of the United States, Donald Jessica Trump. Mr. President, you have a long history of using race and ethnicity as a political wedge, but it seems you have now gone full Archie Bunker Trump: And yet, I won. And I'll win again Randy: Calm down, bitch. Your Twitter attacks on four Democratic congresswomen of color incited xenophobic chants at a rally you recently held Trump: That's very sad Randy: But what's really sad is that your poll numbers seem to have gone up and, you know, you still have a strong support system. I mean, who the hell ARE these people?! Trump: Uh, if you look at Twitter, I have millions and millions of people on Twitter Randy: Ariana Grande has more Trump: And I never get good press. I mean, I haven't - I used to get the best press. If you remember the old days when I was an entrepreneur, I used to get great press. Now I get, uh, because of what I stand for and what I represent Randy: Intolerance, bigotry and the all-day breakfast menu at McDonald's? Trump: And nobody's ever had, I think, 93% came out the other day, 93%, and I'm talking about stories that should be good, they make 'em bad.... [Verse 1] You're freakin' crazy Inhuman, merciless, extreme and unfiltered And also lazy (yeah) So I can't help but be just slightly bewildered [Pre-Chorus] That your followers stick with you Whatever the hell you do No matter how hard you screw 'em, they won't quit Girl, your presidency's a mess Your policies are B.S But they let you get away with it [Chorus] 'Cause they're suckers for you I guess it pays to be conniving and cunning 'Cause they're suckers for you (yeah) Keep blowing dog whistles and watch 'em come running 'Cause they're suckers for all of the Criminal, shame-worthy things that you do And they love all the mythical Fake propaganda you spew 'Cause they're suckers for you [Verse 2] They've all been blinded They think it's fine that you take climate change lightly And they don't mind it (yeah) That you have phone sex with Sean Hannity nightly [Pre-Chorus] They love your racist, sexist chants Your monosyllabic rants If you can't keep it in your pants, it's no big deal You validate their hate and fears And it's music to their white ears And then they say "Hey, he's just being real!" [Chorus] 'Cause they're suckers for you When you say stupid things, they rush to explain 'em 'Cause they're suckers for you (yeah) They should just shut up and go back where they came from! (Atco, New Jersey!) And all the subliminal, race-baiting bullshit you do Is making it cool for your base to act criminal, too Who knew? So they're suckers for you [Spoken] Randy: And as we look ahead to 2020, I'm joined now by a very special guest, Sen. Lindsey Graham, circa 2015. LG, what's your take on Donald Trump and the rhetoric he uses to rile his base? 2015 Graham: They way he is conducting himself is contrary to the values I hold as a Republican and I think most of us accept as a nation, and I will not be part of this Randy: Uh-huh, and if you'll excuse me senator, I'd now like to welcome a very special guest, Senator from South Carolina and Patty LuPone enthusiast, present-day Lindsey Graham 2019 Graham: Thank you Randy: Lindsey, what is your take on Donald Trump's racist rhetoric? 2019 Graham: I think the president did a fabulous job at talking about this problem. He did it, uh, in a smart way and a compassionate way. Mr. President, you're the right guy at the right time. You can do it, nobody else has been able to do it, and I wanna help you do it Randy: So awkward! [Pre-Chorus] They love your incoherent Tweets The "hamberders" that you eat They worship down at your feet like sewer rats You could kick puppies 'til they cried Or make Kim Jong-Un your bride And they'd all still rock their MAGA hats [Chorus] 'Cause they're suckers for you And all the empty, broken promises you made They're just suckers for you (yeah) You got 'em thirsty and they're drinking your Kool-Aid Girl, they're suckers for all the despicable Things that you're putting us through (f*ck you!) And they love how you stick up for gross, phony, criminal fools Oh, like you! 'Cause they're suckers for you!