Otto is stood in front of a banner holding a large golden trophy. Despite his smart dressed appearance he still manages to rock his trademark hat and old-school headphones.
[Otto]
'Wow. You know, most of my life I've... I've had to live with the shame of being a screw-up. But now, as I stand here with the award for the district's safest bus driver... well, it... it's like a dream come true.'
[Milhouse's voice:]
'Otto, wake up!'
Otto's head lurches up, he has been sleeping at the wheel again (proving that it definitely was a dream.) Otto is forced into a series of driving moves reminiscent of GTA. Narrowly avoiding Jasper he ends up in the 'auto wrecking yard.'
As the kids flee the bus is slowly crushed into a smaller and smaller cube, which is then ejected and is left as a smoking cube at the children's feet.
[Otto] 'So, um... who's good at keeping secrets?'
[Marge- reading a letter]
As she reads her voice becomes more skeptical and cross, eventually taking what has become her 'nagging tone.'
'Dear parents. Due to yesterday's unscheduled field trip to the auto wrecking yard, the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks.
By reading this letter out loud, you have waived any legal responsibility on our part in perpetuity throughout the universe.'
[Homer:] Well, we'll have to organize a car pool. Hey! Every day will be like a road trip... with your dad... to school!
Bart and Lisa: [groans]
The next morning, Homer is driving Bart,Lisa, Milhouse, Nelson and Janey. In typical 'parent' fashion he insists on talking to the kids, despite
the awkward situation he is creating.
[Homer:] So... how about those rainbow suspenders, huh?
[Bart:] Dad...?
[Homer:]Pretty cool way to keep your pants up, eh?
[Bart]: Dad!
[Homer:] I see these kids now with "Jive" printed on their shirts.
Pftt... Now, I can teach you how you're supposed to say "jive".
[Lisa:] Dad... Please just drive the car, dad.
Homer: I'm watching the road, sweetie.
You jive turkey. See? You got to sass it. Quit jivin' me,
turkey. You got to sass it. A "turkey" is a bad person.
Homer switches on the radio, presumably to impress the kids.
'KFSL: Fossil 103. Classic hits from Abba to Zeppelin, comma, Led.'
Homer begins smiling contently nodding his head to the strains of a band that the children clearly find terrible.
Nelson, looking awkward begins to punch Milhouse in the shoulder.
Nelson: 'Tell him.'
Milhouse: 'Mr Simpson sir? Can you please change the radio station?'
Homer looks round, a small amount of shock and surprise on his face.
Homer: 'But this is Grand Funk Railroad? You kids know Grand Funk right?'
As the kids look embarrassed at not knowing the band, Homer begins to look fearfully into the distance.
Homer: 'Nobody knows the band Grand Funk? The wild shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner? The bong rattling bass of Mel Schacher? The competent drum work of Don Brewer? Oh man....
The car pulls to a screeching halt outside the school and the kids sprint off (even work shy kids like Nelson and Bart) presumably to get away from Homer. Homer,not to be outdone, leans out of his car window and shouts.
Homer: 'For more information on Grand Funk, consult your local library!'
Homer (who seems to dominate the car pool rota) is taking the kids to school.
The song playing in the background is Mississippi Queen by Mountain.
As Homer enthusiastically nods his head, telling the kids how to headbang.
Homer: 'When I listen to a really good song, I start nodding my head like I'm saying yes to every beat. YES! YES! YES!
This rocks and then sometimes I switch it up like NO!NO!NO! Don't stop rocking!
Bart: 'Dad, please, you're embarrassing us.
Homer: 'No, I'm not. I'm teaching you about rock music. Now Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson starship. The stage was now set for The Alan Parson's Project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.
Bart: 'Dad, no one cares about your stupid dinosaur bands! You have the worst, lamest taste in music ever!'
Homer: 'I'm just trying to party with you guys.'
Bart: 'Homer, first of all the word is paar-tay and second we wouldn't paar-tay with you if you were the last dad on earth.
Homer heads to a music store (remember those?) called 'Suicide Notes.'
The sign says the shop was formerly called 'Good Vibrations.'
As Homer walks along the aisles he end up confused and distressed. He asks the clerk:
Homer: Hi there, been a while since I've been in Good Vibrations Music. Where can I find the latest releases by Bread?'
Clerk: 'Oldies.'
Homer: 'Oldies? But you got all the top bands in here. Styx! I just heard them on the King Biscuit Flower Hour.'
Looking around, Homer sees the posters of modern bands on the wall's of the store.
Homer: Now, here are some of your no-name bands. Sonic Youth? Nine Inch Nails? Hullabalooza?
Clerk: Hullabalooza is a music festival; the greatest music festival of all time.
Homer: There can only be one truly great festival a lifetime and it's the "Us Festival".
Clerk: The what festival?
Homer: The "Us Festival"! Geez! It was sponsored by the guy from Apple Computers.
Clerk: What computers?
Homer walks in the street, dejected and confused.
Homer: Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.
Flashback to the aforementioned year, where a group of people are installing a strobe light in a custom van of theirs:
Jock: "Quadraphonic sound, a waterbed, and now a strobe light. Gentlemen, say hello to the second-base mobile."
When they resume dancing on "Frankenstein" with the lights flashing, Homer sneaks up and hovers , before giving up and retreating.
Homer [voice-over]: "Back then, we didn't care what anyone thought and the chicks found that irresistible."
He remembers drinking from the school fountain as attractive girls walk by.
Girl: ”I think you're cool, Homer Simpson."
Other: 'Sandra, that was mean.'
Homer [voice-over]: "But most of all, I remember the music..."
In Homer's room, Him and Barney ruin "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing", when Abe barges in.
Homer: 'You make me feel like dancing...'
Barney: 'Make me wanna dance the night away.'
Abe: "What the hell are you two doing?"
Barney: "It's called rockin' out,"
Homer: 'You wouldn't understand dad cause he's not "with it".
Abe: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you too.'
Homer reacts angrily, denying Abe's assertion.
Homer: "No way man, we're gonna keep on rockin' forever... forever... forever..."
Fade-in to adult Homer, bald, fat and tired realizing that Abe's warning has come true. He is in the bedroom moaning to Marge.
Marge: What's wrong, Homie?
Homer: I went to the record store today and they were playing all that music I've never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy.
Marge: Hmm. Record stores have always seemed crazy to me, but it doesn't upset me. Music is none of my business.
Homer: "That's fine for you, Marge but I used to Rock 'N' Roll all night and party everyday. Then it was every other day. Now I’m lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.'
Homer: 'I've gotta get out of this rut, and back into the groove.'
Marge: 'Well good. Try to include Bart and Lisa.'
The next morning, Bart and Lisa are prepared to enter a dangerous pact to prevent further upset.
Bart: Dear Lord, if you keep Homer from embarrassing us today, we
promise to build several churches in your honor.
Lisa: Bart, no!
Homer, still roped into the car duty it seems, guns it past Milhouse, leaving him chasing the car down the road.
Milhouse: "Hey, wait! I'm okay today! My mom bought me deodorant"
Lisa: "Dad, you forgot to pick up Milhouse."
Homer in a vain attempt at sarcasm that is made even funnier by his comically enlarged eyes. As this was the nineties, he probably intended to finish with some form or 'Not!' joke or an even 'funnier' Psyche!
Homer: "I did ? I must be getting forgetful in my old age. Open the glove compartment and fetch me my brain medicine."
Lisa: "What are you talking about ?"
Homer keeps pointing at the glove compartment. Lisa opens it and several tickets fall out.
Homer: "Well? What have we here? Looks like your uncool dad scored
tickets to Hullabalooza!"
Lisa: "Bart... these look real..."
Bart: "Check the authenticator spot"
Lisa removes a sticker, which reveals a microchip
Microchip:"This is an authentic Hullabalooza ticket. For authentic
refreshment, eat Clark bars. And for totally outrageous class
rings, it's Josten's. Go, Josten's!"
Homer: "You're not going to school today. Today your classroom will be the Capitol City amphitheater; your teacher, four dozen rock bands. So, get ready for some well-supervised craziness while you rock out with your father!"
They reach Hullabalooza, passing throughput the entrance to the festival.
Lisa: Wow! It's like Woodstock, only with advertisements everywhere and tons of security guards.
As the kids rush in Homer is forced to handover his homemade Kahlúa
Security guard: 'People have your have your tickets out,throw your cameras out,surrender all identification.
Homer: 'Ohh my, homemade Kahlúa'
The Simpsons begin to wander through the crowd passing various stalls and shops.
Lisa: Generation X may be shallow but at least they have tolerance and respect for all people.
Homer: Hey: a freak show!
The freak show consists of a bearded lady, a man with hundreds of cigarettes in his mouth,a man nailing a large spike into his face and two pink poodles. The man nailing his face whacks his thumb and then ,complaining bitterly, introduces the act coming onto the stage.
Preformer: 'Thankyou, thankyou very much. And now the band you have all been waiting for.... Cypress Hill!'
Cypress Hill come charging onto the stage but before they perform, they have an important message to relay.
B-Real:'Before we start, we have a lost child here. If she's not claimed within the next hour, she will become property of Blockbuster Entertainment.'
As Cypress Hill begin to preform Throw Your Set In The Air Bart and Lisa notice something smells weird.
Bart: 'What is that smell?'
Lisa: 'It smells like Otto's jacket.'
Homer, oblivious to what is going on, is off buying a Rasta hat and a badge. After his purchase, the clerk begins to point at the 'Tips' box.Clerk: Dude, karma.
Homer: What?
Clerk: Karma, karma.
Homer blankly stares at the man before walking away.
Homer: Oh, I get it.
Homer walks to over to rejoin Bart and Lisa, proudly sporting his new hat.
Bart: Dad, you cannot wear that! That's a rastafarian hat.
Homer: Pft. Hey, I've been safariing since before you were born.
Lisa: Wearing a Jamaican hat makes a bold statement about your
connection to reggae music.
Homer: Well, excuse me.
Homer then makes things much worse by sticking a 'Too Cool For This Planet' sticker on his controversial headpiece.
Bart: You know what, dad? Maybe we'll go exploring on our own for a
while.
Left alone, Homer decides to regain his place with the 'cool people.'
Homer: 'Well Homer, this is it. Time to get back with the people, the young people.'
Homer begins to strut along, with a bemused grin on his face. He walks over to a unkempt teen and tries to strike up a conversation.'
Homer: 'Alright, yeah!'Homer: Good concert, am I right?
Teen 1: 'Yeah, nice try, narc.'
Teen 2: 'Where's a narc?'
Teen 3: 'Who?'
Teen 1: 'That fat Jamaican guy.'
Homer: 'What did I say? What's going on?'
Teen 4: 'Hey, we're just trying to have a good time, narc. Why do you
want to destroy us?'
Teen 5: 'Don't commit your hate crimes here.'
Teen 5: 'Hate crime!'
Homer is lifted over head and begins to be thrown to the edge of the crowd.
Homer: 'More butt support,more butt support!'
Homer is thrown to the ground behind the crowd. Meanwhile, Bart and Lisa are dancing and listening to the festival. The Smashing Pumpkins are playing and the crowd is swaying in a zombie like manner
Lisa: It may be bleak, but this music is really getting to the crowd.
Bart: Eh, making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.
Homer walks away, sulking and muttering to himself.
Homer It makes no sense. I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool. Uh....I been kicked out of paradise.'
Homer starts watching the teamsters unload the trucks and he is depressed when he sees how 'cool they are.
Homer: 'I'll never be part of the scene again.'
Homer punts a small cannon in a fit of rage. It starts to fizz and spark, malfunctioning. Homer backs away looking terrified.
Homer: 'Uh-oh.'
An object shoots out of the cannon and slams Homer in the gut. As he doubles over in pain, the object inflates and turns into a giant saloon pig.
Teamster: Aw, man. There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off.
Frampton: You're damn right I'm going to be pissed off; I bought that
pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale!
As the crowd surrounds Homer, Bart and Lisa run over to comfort him.
Lisa: 'Dad,dad are you ok?'
Homer: 'I'm....fine'
The crowd begins to mutter and point, amazed at Homers' resilience. The manager moves over, shaking Homer firmly by the hand.'
Manager:'Sir, I run Hullabalooza's pageant of the transmundane -- the freak show -- and I've been looking for a big fatso to shoot with a cannon. I'd like very much for you to be that fatso.'
Homer stands there with an awestruck look on his face, as hallelujah music plays in the background.
Homer tells Marge, but she does not see eye to eye with him on this.
Marge: So... you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show.
Homer: I don't think I have a choice, Marge.
Marge: Of course you have a choice.
Homer: How do you figure?
Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along.
Homer: You know, Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different
people.
Homer, dense as usual, does not listen to Marge. He is now naked down to the waist, hiding behind a sheet. In the background a large crowd can be seen. Homer has joined the freakshow and he is preparing for his first act.
Manager: 'And now, get ready for the man with the iron stomach!'
Homer walks on stage and nervously addresses the audience.
Homer: ''Hi everybody. Is everybody... good?'
The orderlies wheel the giant cannon onto the stage. Homer, in the interests of safety, applies his lab goggles and braces for the impact. The cannon fires and hits him square in the gut. To the cheers of the audience, he seems unharmed and rises to his feet.'
Homer: 'Thankyou...thank you very much.'
A little person walks on stage and takes Homer by the hand and leads him off stage. Homer is then signing autographs for his loyal fans. He is signing a bowling ball with the text, Stay in school, your
hero, Homer. Homer hands the ball to the punter who is revealed to be a small child, who is predictably crushed by the heavy ball.
Billy Corgan: 'Hey cannonball, I like your statement: when life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground. Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.'
Homer: 'Homer Simpson, smiling politely.'
Homer: 'You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.'
Corgan: 'Well, we try to make a difference.'
At school, Bart reads a letter from his father.
Homer (voiceover):"Dear Bart and Lisa. All is well on tour with America's most popular alternative music
festival."
Cut to a shot of the Hullabalooza bus on a 3-way crossing with the signs reading Cleveland and Cincinnati. They turn to Cleveland, then for Cincinnati, then they change their minds and turn back home (Take that!).
Homer (voiceover):"Our first job is to entertain."
Homer gets shot with a cannon.
Homer (voiceover):"And I like to think sometimes we get a
message across as well."
Same scene again, but this time Homer has "No Litter" written on his stomach before he gets shot.
Homer (voiceover):"But the main thing is: I've finally tapped into that spirit of self-destruction that makes Rock 'N' Roll the king of music."
The rock stars on the bus are cheering on Homer, who's "water-skiing" with the bus, only with frying pans instead of skis. Health and safety unconscious as ever,Cypress Hill hurl cans at him.
Homer (voiceover):"Woo-hoo!"
The montage continues and Homer visits more and more cities.
Homer: 'Hello, ticket holders!'
Teen1: Oh, here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool.
Teen2: Are you being sarcastic, dude?
Teen1: I don't even know anymore.
Homer takes another cannon ball in the gut. He leaps up clutching a microphone.
Homer: Thank you! And remember, don't trust anyone over 30! And now, Peter Frampton!
Peter Frampton: 'Thanks Homer! Homer Simpson everyone!'
Homer walks off the stage and starts chatting with the Pumpkins.
Corgan: 'Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop is your hometown, Springfield.'
D'Arcy: 'Is it true that we have to bring our own water?'
Homer: 'We got a little rule back home: if it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back.'
Chamberlin: 'The hometown show's the big one, Homer.'
Iha: 'Yeah, people who called you a weirdo in high school get to see what a successful freak you've become.'
D'Arcy: 'Hey, I wasn't a weirdo. I was in the audio-visual club.'
Homer: 'Really? Me too! But I got kicked out cause of my views of Vietnam. Also, I was stealing projectors.'
Homer: Get ready beer belly, we are going to show Springfield what we are made of.'
When Homer drinks beer to celebrate, but his stomach echoes when he burps. The manager comes over a listens to Homer's stomach. He looks worried, slaps his stomach and the same sounds is emitted.
Manager: 'Homer, nothing's more important to me than the health and well-being of my freaks. I'm sending you to a vet.'
Cut to Homer in the vets. The vet looks extremely worried for Homers' safety.
Vet:'My God.! Those cannonballs have practically demolished your stomach. From now on, no cannonballs, no spicy foods and when you lie in a hammock, please rest your beer on your head or your genitals. '
Homer:'Pfft.Rules.I'm a rocker! I don't care for rules.'
vet:'Mr.Simpson, this is serious. If you take one more cannonball to the gut, you will die.'
Homer:'Die? Well, you don't scare me, Doc.Cause dyin' would be a stone groove! Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix?'
The camera pans to an old hippy spaniel, lying in a basket. The basket reads 'Rover Hendrix.'
Vet:'Yes. Pick up your puppy.'
Back at home, Bart is nagging Homer for answers to a set of questions.
Bart: So, what's it like being famous, dad?
Homer: People know your name, but you don't know theirs. It's great.
Bart: Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer (checking): Nope.
Bart: What religion are you?
Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't
work out in real life. Uh... Christianity.
Homer begins to get curious, as Bart begins to scribble down his answers.
Homer : 'What is with all the questions boy?'
Bart : 'Just some report I gotta do for school...hey you want some pie?'
Homer: 'Sure, we gotta lot of catching up to do.'
Homer takes a quick look at Bart's scribblings. He sees that Bart is doing a report titled 'The person I admire most' and has chosen Homer as his subject. Homer seems genuinely touched, and smiles to himself.' As the two of them share the pie, Homer's stomach begins to rumble, reminding him of his fate if he carries on with his act.
Homer brings out the entire family to watch his last performance (kinda morbid but whatever) and they pull into the fairground. At Springfield Fairgrounds, the family is allowed access to the backstage of Hullabalooza.
Guard: 'Clear the way, clear the way! Performer coming through.'
Marge>: 'This is so exciting. Last time I got to go backstage was when
Bart ripped his pants at the Christmas play.'
Bart: 'Mom...'
B-Real: 'Ha-ha!'
Once backstage, the bands begin to form for their performances
Roadie: 'Hello bands,Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on people,somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra... possibly while high? Cypress Hill I'm looking in your direction!'
Cypress Hill begin to mutter amongst themselves.
B-Real: Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"?
Violinist: 'We mostly know classical... but we could
give it a shot.'
The orchestra pulls off a pretty great version of Insane in the Brain.
Marge: 'Now this, I like.'
On stage, Peter Frampton uses a robotic voice to create the
idea that his guitar "talks" while playing.
Jimbo: Man, that guy's guitar is talking.
Otto: Hey, my shoes are talking too!
Left Shoe: Don't worry. We won't hurt you.
Right Shoe: We only want to have some fun.
For some reason, Mr Burns is at the concert along with Smithers
Burns: And to think, Smithers: you laughed when I bought
TicketMaster. "Nobody's going to pay a 100% service charge."
Smithers: Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich
and the ignorant, sir.
Peter Frampton is finishing his performance and he bangs his foot on a concealed pedal. The desired effect does not happen.
Peter Frampton: 'Thankyou Springfield, Do you feel?....do you feel....do you feel. Ah come on....do you feel. Gahh....Homer Simpson Homer Simpson wrecks my pig, Cypress Hill steals my orchestra, and Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids!'
Moore: 'Aw, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat all that
watermelon.'
Frampton:'Please, I'm trying to perform!'
Shelley: 'Go ahead. We'll stay here and guard your cooler!'
Fuming, Frampton leaves the stage and on comes Homer.
Announcer : And now, Springfield, this is the moment that you've been waiting for,the man who embodies everything about Rock 'N' Roll, except the music. Give it up for your very own Springfield home grown hero – Homer Simpson!'
Homer comes strutting on stage, wearing some sort of cape with a skull on it.
Milhouse: "I used to carpool with that guy".
As the cannon is wheeled out, Homer begins to panic.
Homer:'Oh, this is heavy. Okay Homer, don't fear the reaper. Ah I’m gonna die!'
Marge: 'Cannons are designed to hurt. They're designed to hurt.'
Lisa: 'Shh! Mom, dad needs our support.'
Bart: 'You're the coolest dad alive!'
As the cannon fuse burns, everybody is waiting with baited breath in anticipation of Homer's stunt, even Sonic Youth who have stopped eating their watermelon. Homer dodges the cannon, to the disappointment and fury of the crowd. Homer walks out and hugs Marge.
Homer: 'Oh, Marge. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.'
Marge: 'There might be one in this cooler.Oh, here you go.'
Frampton: 'Ohh!'
Lee Ranaldo:'Oh, man. Homer wussed out. I'm so disillusioned.'
Kim Gordon:'Hullabalooza isn't about freaks; it's about music, and advertisement and youth-oriented product positioning.'
Sen-Dog: 'That, and getting toasted. Nicely toasted.'
Manager: Homer, I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than a yellow-bellied freak... unless that's his act. I expect your letter ofresignation on my desk.
Homer: You have a desk?
Manager: I mean the hood of my car.
Homer: I'll miss you, Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleakworld view. I've got too much to live for.
Corgan: We envy you, Homer. All we have is our music, our legions of fans, our million of dollars and our youth. Woo-Hoo!
Iha: Let's all go out and buy fur coats!
Chamberlin: I want a walk-in humidor.
In the car, on the trip to go home, Homer cand the family discuss their day.
Homer: So, I realized that being with my family is more important
than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square".
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart+Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool, not caring,
right?
Bart+Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried
everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to
be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?
