Diego

INT. HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS/ROUTE 22 – MORNING [Sam, Mark, and Andrew (with a gym bag) enter through the hotel lobby and travel through a corridor into a back room. Mark knocks on the door and Diego lets them into a secret hallway.] INT. SECRET HALLWAY SAM What is this place? ANDREW I think you can see into the hotel rooms. MAN ON SCREEN Oh, yeah! Ohh! Ohh! Yeah! MARK Hey what’s up, dog? We’re kind of in a rush. DIEGO It can wait. He’s about to cum. MAN ON SCREEN I'm gonna fuckin' cum.! [Diego raises both arms as if someone just scored in a football game.] INT. CORRIDOR DIEGO That shit was hot. That shit was hot. I gotta go drop some knowledge on that ho right there. SAM How do you know she's a hooker? DIEGO Of course she's a fuckin' hooker. Girls who look like her do not fuck guys that look like him, unless it's for coke, money or fame. SAM Well, Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett. DIEGO Who the fuck are you? MARK This is Sam. This is Large. DIEGO No offense, man. But why are you bringing these fuckin' people here? MARK This is the guy who needs that thing. Wait. I brought you the tank. Okay? Could you just tell us where to go now? DIEGO That thing come with balloons? MARK What am I, a fuckin' birthday clown? No. It doesn't come with balloons. Suck it off the tap. And I need it back when you're done because that guy's holdin' my 39 bucks. DIEGO All right. Hold up. Hold up! Who here just saw some titties? Raise your hand if you just saw some titties. Hmm? [Everyone raises their hands.] Thank you! So everybody just calm the fuck down! Now. You know where Kiernan's Quarry is? EXT. KIERNAN’S QUARRY - LATER MARK Down in Newark, right? DIEGO Yeah. DIEGO It's at the bottom of Hillside and Rivington. You can't really see it from the street, but it's there. Park your car at the gate and hop the fence. At the bottom of the quarry, there's this junkyard run by this guy named, Albert. He's the one that tracked down the piece you're lookin'for. All right? I'll call him right now and tell him to expect you. ANDREW Okay, stop. What the fuck are we doin'? MARK Just be patient, man. ANDREW We've been patient all day, but it's my last day and you haven't told us what we're doin'. If you told me we were going on a six-hour hunt for blow, I would've passed. MARK If I was gonna get you coke, we would've gone to the fuckin' high school football practice. We would have been rolling five hours ago. ANDREW I think we corrupted this innocent girl enough. SAM I'm not innocent! ANDREW Yes, you are! All right? That's what I like about you. I don't want this guy taking you to, like, some sketchy quarry, in the middle of nowhere to find, like, crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever it is you have us doing! MARK Wow. That's like the most worked-up I've ever seen you. SAM He was protecting me. ANDREW So? SAM He likes me. ANDREW Don't be cute. SAM He's my knight in shining armor. ANDREW Don't talk about knights in front of Mark. It's a sore subject. MARK I'm gonna kill that motherfucker. ANDREW Pun intended? MARK Oh, you're fuckin'… SAM Oh, oh, oh, oh! ANDREW Ow! Ow! EXT. KIERNAN’S QUARRY - CONTINUED MARK Oh, my God. SAM Wow! ANDREW I never even knew this was here. MARK I've heard about it. They were supposed to build a mall here, I think. SAM Yeah. I remember reading about that in the paper, that they were... digging or something, and they break into this natural phenomenon. It's like an underground Grand Canyon or something. Now they're in some huge legal battle over whether they can build here or not. ANDREW Can you imagine the guy whose job it is to fight for his right to build a mall, on some, like, geological phenomenon? MARK They love their malls here, man. All right. Let's find this guy and get out of here. ANDREW You're not gonna tell us what we're getting? MARK It's a surprise. You'll see. SAM I think it's gonna rain.