I've been spiral walking
Compelled to search for wisdom in circles ever tightening
Or called to seek the light from the depths of too much hibernating
Call it what you like
Call it finding the divide between safety and smothering
Or prying at what lies between nourishing and suffocating
Either way, I've been making a project of retreading my own footsteps
But found only imperfect pathways refracting backwards through time
Body yearning to push past new thresholds
When the air is choked with the ghosts of old crossroads
They are spider silk echoes
And the more I struggle, the more they cling to my skin
Wrap me oil slick opalescent and gossamer thin
And they snag in my throat as I try to get better at breathing
I am learning about building from the inside out
Reconstructing myself from stones mined in the pit of my stomach
Or dredged up from the lumps in my throat
I am not afraid of creation
My fingers shake with the work
But no decay will find purchase on my unsteady foundations
I will tear away any debris that keeps me from my centre
Then use it to grow the walls that will one day shield my altar
There is no glamour here
I am not striving for opulence
Come hail, hurricane, or history, I will be my own monument
Because lately, I've been circle-swimming daily
I keep wading into the same revelations and coming out green
Bone-cold and waist-deep, ankles tangled in pondweed
Sputtering always on the same skipping stone river rock
Question, how often have I swallowed pollution?
How many times have I corroded my throat just to keep the air clean?
And sure, I've been in the habit of subsisting, asphyxiating
But there is wisdom in knowing there's no growth without consumption
And I am not the only glutton for oxygen in this ecosystem
Most organisms will duplicate until they drive you to extinction
And they will not mean to
Like me, they are only doing what the myths in their synapses tell them to
We are all cribbing from the same old fable
That every cell that exhales is born knowing it must eat in the right light
When algae blooms, it looks just like a blanket
But all that softness is deceptive
And the fact is there's not much difference
Between a weight that drags you down and one that helps you sleep
And to be honest, I've been cycle-steeping for weeks
Thinking about how many habitats will be strengthened by my exit
But I'm sick of sucking out the poison
And not sticking round to reap the benefit
Death stems from life and life from death, yes
It wreathes through flesh, and bones are bleached, and the cycle never ends
But there's no honour to be found in allowing yourself to be devoured
At least not while your heart still beats, it's too easy
Passing a season knee-deep in dark earth and calling that courage
Or forcing the epilogue and white-knuckle wrestling the narrative
I am noble, but that does not mean I must be sacrificial
I will not fall on the first sword in the next woods I see
I will not enjoy the pull of soft soil for longer than is healthy
I may spiral, but I will not sink
I will not write the last line ahead of time and call that peace
As I am now, so you shall be
For I am all I know and there is nothing wrong with me
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