Send This to Your Crush Without Any Context

I remember when I first met you
Your hair was so sweet and soft
I just wanted to cut it off, and take it home with me.

We had a playdate at the playground with our friend Tim
But he got in the nice man's van, when candy was offered to him
And he left the two of us together
Sexual tensions were so high, wait nevermind this was us as children.

And now singing about childhood love as an adult is kind of pedophilic
So I'm just gonna have to jump ahead a couple of years
Ooh!

Do you remember when we first kissed?
I was so nervous that I nearly missed, that was a Nickelback reference
And do you remember the time your mom got her hair
stuck in the garbage disposal while washing dishes?
So we had no other choice but to scalp her with fisher price scissors.

And the time you left the stove on and the cat lit itself on fire
And it's smoldering corpse burnt down the rest of the house.

And to cheer you up I went to the store
And I bought you some socks
Then you told me you were cheating on me.

So I tried to do the science to find out why you would do this to me
And all I got was evidence that the US moon landing was fake
I suppose there's things more important
Like why are so many schools being shot up in America, like seriously
And I'm worried about a girl so I should probably just stop.