[Brian McElhaney]
"If music be the food of love, play on;
"Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
"O, the appetite may sicken, and so die.
"That strain again! it had a dying fall:
"O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet south,
"That breathes upon a bank of violets,
"Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:
"'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.
"O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,
"That, notwithstanding thy capacity
"Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,
"But falls into abatement and low price—"
Uh
Uh
"B-but falls into abatement and low price—"
Fuck.
Hey, Nick?
What's that line from Twelfth Night?
[Nick Kocher]
"If music be the food of love, play on?"
[Brian]
Yeah, the end of that monologue.
[Nick]
"But falls into abatement and low price."
[Brian]
Yeah, right after that.
[Nick]
"I am a great eater of beef and I am afraid that does harm to my wit."
[Brian]
No, that's Scene Three; that's not even the right character.
[Nick]
"Exeunt Malvolio"
[Brian]
No, that's a stage direction; you're getting confused.
[Nick]
"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
"For he who sheds his blo—"
[Brian]
No, no, that's King Henry the Fifth. Look, it's in Twelfth Night, it's in the opening monologue—
[Nick]
"Let the joyous news be spread:
"The wicked old witch Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead!"
[Brian]
No, that's a mix between The Wizard of Oz and a Tom Stoppard play that satirises two characters from Hamlet.
Listen, Nick, if you don't know it, that's fine. We can look it up.
[Nick]
"'Fuck You.' That's my name."
[Brian]
No, that's Mamet; that's way off.
[Nick]
"Maggie, you are ruinin' mah liquor."
[Brian]
Tennessee Williams.
[Nick]
"What the frak do want from me, Helo? He's a Cylon."
[Brian]
No, that's from Battlestar Galactica, the new ones.
[Nick]
"Superman."
[Brian]
That's from The Iron Giant. Our favourite movie.
Nick, listen, I'm just gonna look this up, I don't care. Like, I—
[Nick]
"I am Sam.
"Sam I am.
"Would you like green eggs and ham?"
[Brian]
That's a book. That's Green Eggs and Ham.
[Nick]
"I do not like green eggs and ham.
"I do not like them, Sam-I-am."
[Brian]
That's still Green Eggs and Ham.
[Nick]
"Would you care for some sort of green eggs and maybe some green beef or something if I were to serve them to you on my ship?"
[Brian]
That's like if a Brooklyn sailor wrongly paraphrased Green Eggs and Ham.
[Nick]
"Shh, shh, quiet, hurry up and get in the closet."
[Brian]
No, that's R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet and you know it.
[Nick]
"When any piece (except a miner - ranked "8") strikes a Bomb, that piece is lost and removed from the game."
[Brian]
Those are the formal rules to Stratego.
That's a pose similar to The Thinker.
That's a— frying pan.
[Nick]
"The."
[Brian]
That's the word "the."
[Nick]
"We're all in this togeth—"
[Brian]
Uh. No no. No. No.
[Nick]
"There is some funny stuff around the edges of this movie; it’s the jerry-rigged mechanical engine at the center that’s broken."
[Brian]
Wait, is that part of Roger Ebert's review of You, Me and Dupree?
Yeah, well that's not right, is it?
No, no it's not.
Okay, you're really pissing me off. Do you know this line or not?
You do. What is it?
[Nick]
"Dear Brian,
"I can't be in a relationship with you any longer. It's the overwhelming impotence and unprovoked daily sobbing; it's too much. You make life feel terrible to me and I'm nauseated when I look at you."
[Brian]
Okay, that's a very private and intensely personal letter from my ex-girlfriend that I don't know how you got a hold of or why—
[Nick]
"Plus, I have been having sex with Nick."
[Brian]
Okay, that was the next part of it, wasn't it? We need to talk about this, we can't—
[Nick]
"I can't bear the guilt and pain and stress any longer."
[Brian]
I don't wanna hear this anymore. Nick, come on—
[Nick]
"When I am through writing this letter I will end the life that you have destroyed for me."
[Brian]
Oh my God, this was her suicide note, wasn't it? Nick, come—
[Nick]
"Goodbye forever. You deserve nothing."
[Brian]
Nick, all I wanted was the line from Twelfth Night not to be reminded of my dead ex-girlfriend, I don't know why you—
Cause even when I try to—
[Brian and Nick]
"Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy
"That it—"
[Nick]
"—alone is high fantastical," is the line.
[Brian]
Yes, that's the line, I know. I always forget that.
This has been a really weird day.
READ MORE ABOUT BRITANICK
