The Sporting Life

When I was just a little lad, I wasn't good for much

Me father said I'd always be a slob

The girls would tell me you can look, but oh, you'll never touch

The boys would look, then punch me in the gob!

Well nowadays, some people make a fortune playing sports

From running 'round and rolling in the mud

But I wouldn't swap me jacket for a racquet and some shorts

And I never did enjoy the sight of blood!

But I've a friend called Frank

Who's working in a bank

But lives for his game of rugby

With ten left toes

And a cauliflower nose

He swears that it keeps him young... No!

The sporting lifе is not for me

I'd rather be a donkеy or a monkey up a tree

I'll sweep the street

I'll mince the meat

Do anything at all

But don't make me kick another ball!

My teachers always hated me, I was a sickly brat

They said, 'You're for the high jump' – and I was!

They thought that being tall and thin, I might be good at that

But I ran up to the line, and there I 'froz'!

But I've a pal called Paul

Who loves a cricket ball

The sound that it makes on willow

He shows no fear

And hits one once a year

In matches that last that long... No!

The sporting life is not for me

I'd rather be a donkey or a monkey up a tree

I'll sweep the street

I'll mince the meat

Do anything at all

But don't make me kick another ball!

There was a time I thought I might have made a bunch of friends

They dragged me to a soggy patch of grass

They started running 'round and well, you know how this one ends

They lost the ball and kicked me up the field!

But I've a mate called Mac

Who goes to the track

And drinks 'til he thinks he's sober

He takes his pay

And chucks it all away

And thinks that he's having fun... No!

The sporting life is not for me

I'd rather be a donkey or a monkey up a tree

I'll sweep the street

I'll mince the meat

Do anything at all

But don't make me kick another ball!

Back then your mum would say be careful what you do

Don't have to jump around

You're not a kangaroo

Meanwhile your dad said if they kick you, kick 'em back!

And give us all a real good laugh

Well, nowadays I've mellowed, and I say just let 'em play

And I don't get into quite so many brawls

It's wonderful, that there's so many games for kids today

That is, providing that they've got the balls

Now I've a boy called Bill

Who loves to climb a hill

And fly down when he's got skis on

I've said by heck

You'll break yer bloomin' neck

But that never stopped no one... No!

The sporting life is not for me

I'd rather be a monkey or a donkey up a tree

I'll sweep the street

I'll mince the meat

Do anything at all

But don't make me kick another ball!