Testament Transcript

On Dec. 17, 2017, Dear Cloud's Nine9, a dear friend of JONGHYUN, publicized the South Korean artist’s testament on Instagram, a day after he committed suicide. Here is an authentic transcript of JONGHYUN's testament, duly released based on his will.

Korean Transcript

난 속에서부터 고장났다.

천천히 날 갉아먹던 우울은 결국 날 집어삼켰고

난 그걸 이길 수 없었다.

나는 날 미워했다. 끊기는 기억을 붙들고 아무리 정신차리라고 소리쳐봐도 답은 없었다.

막히는 숨을 틔어줄 수 없다면 차라리 멈추는게 나아.

날 책임질 수 있는건 누구인지 물었다.

너뿐이야.

난 오롯이 혼자였다.

끝낸다는 말은 쉽다.

끝내기는 어렵다.

그 어려움에 여지껏 살았다.

도망치고 싶은거라 했다.

맞아. 난 도망치고 싶었어.

나에게서.

너에게서.

거기 누구냐고 물었다. 나라고 했다. 또 나라고 했다. 그리고 또 나라고했다.

왜 자꾸만 기억을 잃냐 했다. 성격 탓이란다. 그렇군요. 결국엔 다 내탓이군요.

눈치채주길 바랬지만 아무도 몰랐다. 날 만난적 없으니 내가 있는지도 모르는게 당연해.

왜 사느냐 물었다. 그냥. 그냥. 다들 그냥 산단다.

왜 죽으냐 물으면 지쳤다 하겠다.

시달리고 고민했다. 지겨운 통증들을 환희로 바꾸는 법은 배운 적도 없었다.

통증은 통증일 뿐이다.

그러지 말라고 날 다그쳤다.

왜요? 난 왜 내 마음대로 끝도 못맺게 해요?

왜 아픈지를 찾으라 했다.

너무 잘 알고있다. 난 나 때문에 아프다. 전부 다 내 탓이고 내가 못나서야.

선생님 이말이 듣고싶었나요?

아뇨. 난 잘못한게 없어요.

조근한 목소리로 내성격을 탓할때 의사 참 쉽다 생각했다.

왜 이렇게까지 아픈지 신기한 노릇이다. 나보다 힘든 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 나보다 약한 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 아닌가보다. 살아있는 사람 중에 나보다 힘든 사람은 없고 나보다 약한 사람은 없다.

그래도 살으라고 했다.

왜 그래야하는지 수백번 물어봐도 날위해서는 아니다. 널위해서다.

날 위하고 싶었다.

제발 모르는 소리 좀 하지 말아요.

왜 힘든지를 찾으라니. 몇번이나 얘기해 줬잖아. 왜 내가 힘든지. 그걸로는 이만큼 힘들면 안돼는거야? 더 구체적인 드라마가 있어야 하는거야? 좀 더 사연이 있었으면 하는 거야?

이미 이야기했잖아. 혹시 흘려들은 거 아니야? 이겨낼 수있는건 흉터로 남지 않아.

세상과 부딪히는 건 내 몫이 아니었나봐.

세상에 알려지는 건 내 삶이 아니었나봐.

다 그래서 힘든 거더라. 부딪혀서, 알려져서 힘들더라. 왜 그걸 택했을까. 웃긴 일이다.

지금껏 버티고 있었던게 용하지.

무슨 말을 더해. 그냥 수고했다고 해줘.

이만하면 잘했다고. 고생했다고 해줘.

웃지는 못하더라도 탓하며 보내진 말아줘.

수고했어.

정말 고생했어.

안녕.

English Trancript

I was broken from the inside. The blues that slowly gnawed me eventually swallowed me, and I wasn't able to defeat it. I hated myself. I held onto a breaking memory and yelled in order to recollect my mind, and yet, there was no answer. If there’s no way to burst out my choking breath, it's probably better to stop it. I asked who could be responsible for myself. "It's only you." I was totally alone. "I'm ending," is easily said. But it's hard to end. And I lived along with that difficulty until now. I said, "I wanted to escape." Yes. I wanted to escape. From myself. From you.

He said, "Who's there." I said it was me. I said it again. And again, I said it was me. I asked him the reason I kept losing my memory. He said it was my nature. Really. So, in the end, it's all my fault. I yearned for someone to notice, but no one knew. Of course, you've never met me before, and you never knew I was there. He asked me why I lived. Just. Just. Everyone just says they live. If I was asked why I was dying, I would say, because I was tired. I suffered and wondered. I never learned how to transform dull pains into joy. Pain is just pain. They urged me not to say that.

Why? Why do you not let me deal it with myself? I tried to find why I was hurting. I knew it too well. It hurt because I was myself. It’s all my fault, and because I was plain bad.

Did you want to listen to these words, teacher? No. I did nothing wrong. I thought, "It’s quite simple to be a doctor," when you blamed on my personality with that low voice. It's really special to see why hurts like this so much. There are people in more difficult situations than me who are living so well. There are people weaker than me who are living so well. Maybe it’s not. Among the living, there are no people arduous nor weaker than me. But he said to live still.

Even if you asked me hundreds of times why I had to live, I would say it wasn't for me. It was for you. I wanted it to be for me.

Stop saying things you don't know. Find the reason you're like this. I already told you many times. Why I’m like that. It is still not good to be this difficult enough? Should there be a more specific drama? Must there be a greater story than this?

I already told you about my story. Don't say that you've let loose of this. Winning against it doesn't end just with a scar. Maybe it wasn't on my part to crash against the world. Maybe it wasn't on my part to be known to the world. So, that's why it was hard. It was because I crashed into the world; because I was known to it. Why did I choose to do that? It's a funny thing.

It's admirable that I was able to withstand until now. Say what, just say that I did well. That I did well by going this far. That I did a good job. Although you can't laugh, don't let go of me after I take the blame. You did well. Really, you did well.

Goodbye.