[Verse 1]
One lonely evening alone, home
End up with carpal tunnel syndrome
Here I am, known for giving heavy back aches
Grown and living off of Little Debbie snack cakes
Supposed to be checking emails
All I got is messages from ass naked females ("Kookies!")
I don't know no Jenny
She said it's free and I won't owe her a penny
And that's the last time I saw her
But thousands of more horrors on online Gomorrah
And Sodom, they got 'em with their curls out
And they got a better sales pitch than the Girl Scouts
I wonder what I owe her
For a whole box of caramel coconut samoa
("Nite nite!") Uh, okay honey, sweet dreams
Now it's time to get serious like Peek Freans
A metal handful, squish it on the quilt
Wife wake up and I'm kill't over spilt milk
Locked in, looking at your picture
Fully clothed winter and I'm right there with ya
Thinking about the last time I split your wishbone
A man could only wish you do the same 'til he get home
Fat chance, at least he get snacks
That'd have to do 'til a brother get back
Until then smack One-Eyed Jack
And hope one of his peoples can hook him with a tri-pack
That's three different flavors
Chocolate, vanilla and strawberry wafers
He acting all hard, 'bout to get beat up
I'll show him what time it is once I get this sheet up
Soon as he fell off the beat down
All I hear is, "13th cell get the sheet down"
Damn C.O., what the hell do she know?
Besides the fact she wanna get dug out on the d-low
A workaholic with a fountain in the ink pen
Out in the mountains and I stopped drinking again
In the wee hours, he's gotten farther
Needing three showers, being hot and bothered
The wiz with her leg bent, pregnant
God bless the day she wondered where her egg went
He got the L, it's hard to drink without it
And could use some kookies but trying not to think about it
Watching "BET" on jazz for knowledge on file
Every other commercial, college hoes gone wild
Soft batch, he prefer the other bunch
Like we got for lunch, chocolate fudge butter crunch
[Instrumental Break]
[Verse 2]
Don't mess with the Ritz Bits
Wheat Thins, Saltines or Triscuits
Matzos or Cheez-Its
Catch sugar fits every time that he see a nice beer
Chips Ahoy, double chocolate chunk
Something with the bubble and the junk in the trunk
Even the Oreos, no matter what the weather
Always kept 'em dipped in milk and stuck together
In the game he's shameless
Even uses a code name: Famous Amos
Cheaper than a short stay at the Days Inn
And good like 25 cent oatmeal raisin
Give it up to who invented the camera
Nevermind the gingerbread man and the Grandma’s
Shh, make sure she don't wake from her dream chill
Or get caught with a handful of cream fill
"Kookies!"
Might seem ill
"Ew honey, what are you doing?
That's so nasty!
Go wash your hands, get out of here!"
"Oh ho, kookies"
[Outro: Samples]
"We shall now vote for a new world leader, I nominate: DOOM"
"All in favor say Hai"
"Hai!"
"Oh no"
"DOOM is master of the world."
"I'd sure hate to see that ugly mug of yours in my history book."
"You've disturbed me for the last time."
(Voice 1): Hey, y'know something gang, that DOOM ain't really all bad
(Voice 2): What do you mean, Ben?
(Voice 1): Well I gotta admit that I've been having a real good time. Y'know, I mean, between you and me I kinda like being black
(Voice 3): Well, maybe if we're lucky he'll attack us once more and send you back, Benjamin
(Voice 1): Ah-haha very funny, very very funny
(Voice 2): He must be mad
(Voice 4): Well, if anyone can do it. Nevertheless let's get out of here, while we can
(Misc. Voice): Food, we need food
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