If You Ever See Me Talking to a Sailor

When the wind's from the Eastern quarter

And there's a pungent taste of salt upon the breeze

Something troubles your insides

Like a scum upon the tides

Or something washed up on the beach down by the quays

Intuition's what a girl in love relies on

I should've known he only wanted to be free

I drew my line upon the sand

Only a fool would ever stand

Between a man and his involvement with the sea

And when the tide rolls out

You'll find your bed is empty and he's gone

So if you ever see me talking to a sailor

Some scurvy no-good mongrel of a tar

You knock the drink out of my hand

Push me over where I stand

Take a slug at me but somewhere I won't scar

Pin my body to the ground

And slap my face to bring me round

Then you can roll my silly ass out of this bar

For a sailor's not a man to be trusted

He'll bill and coo, call you his "chickadee"

Oh, but when he's had his way

All you'll get is his "good day"

Then he'll blow a kiss and scuttle back to sea

And when the tide rolls out

You'll find your bed is empty and he's gone

So if you ever see me talking to a sailor

And I blithely stand there passing time of day

No, don't you hesitate to think

Someone's tampered with your drink

And he's shaking out your handbag in the time it takes to blink

And all the booze you've ever bought him

He's just thrown up in the sink

Just call the funny farm and carry me away!

For a sailor's not a man to be trusted

He's treacherous as tides and hidden reefs

And just to get you up the stairs

He'll quote the Bible in his prayers

And before you know he's bound for Tenerife

And when the tide rolls out

You'll find your house is empty and he's gone

And when the tide rolls out

You'll find your heart is empty and he's gone

And when you become a woman of a certain age

You'll find it's difficult to trust a man

Difficult to gauge, when that bilge rat who left you

Without a living wage thinks there's still

That tawdry glamour of the sea

That, I swear to God's completely lost on me

So, if you ever see me talking to a sailor

Some mangy sea-dog skulking on the quay

Ah, just remind me what I've said

Or you can shoot me in the head

And then throw my bleeding body in the sea!

You'll find your bed is empty and he's--gone!