Epic Rap Battle of Manliness

I was born
with hair on my chest
A gleam in my eye
to latch on to a breast
I cut my own umbilical cord
with my razor sharp teeth
Then I drove home
and my mom rode on
in the back seat
I didn't go through puberty,
puberty went through me
And it was never even awkward
'Cause I made it happened instantly
If you address a letter to "Man"
and put it in the mail
rest assured I'd receive it
but I ain't gonna be your pan pal
My time is too valuable for that
I'll be too busy working a jackhammer

You're a mama's boy
I was born in an arctic cave
and adopted by wolves
That's how I was raised
I didn't drink milk
I suckled the fangs of venomous snakes
I killed the first man that I met
with just my firm handshake
I potty trained myself
You're still bed-wetting
I smell like charcoal when I'm sweating
and was my best man at my own wedding
Search Google Images
for masculinity
Feel free to Photoshop your face
on that image of me
Creative Commons, punk
meanwhile I'll be adjusting some really large nuts

I rise before the sun
Screw circadian rhythm
I bathe with sandpaper
and my underwear is denim
I shave with a box cutter
blindfolded as well
'Cause if I look in the mirrot
I intimidate myself

I've got no need for sleep
I never shut my eyes
I tie fishing lures
while I memorize Apache war cries
The sun comes up
when I tell it I'm ready
then I trim my nose hair
with a razor-sharp machete

I'm manly 'cause I'm so handy
even my feet are hands
I built a hobbit house
for a homeless man
without using any plans
My kids jungle gym
has a full-size trapeze
And I modified my garden hose
to despense nacho cheese

I'm handy too
I rerouted my bathroom exhaust fan
into your bedroom
My right incisor's
a Philips head screwdriver
I made my sun deck
into a holodeck
where I hang out with MacGyver

My GPS gets its sense of direction from me
I can drive ten hours
without stopping to take a leak
I don't avert my eyes
when I pass roadkill
and I teach an online course
in parallel parking skills

When my car breaks down
I don't call a mechanic
I just open the hood
and then I stare at it
...and then I call a mechanic
but I won't be cheated
he's not gonna talk me in to repairs
that I don't know that I needed

I can sleep alone in the woods
without a tent
I might get a little scared
but then I get over it
I tie knots that Eagle scouts
haven't even heard of
like the double overhand
figure-eight fisherman's bird glove

Well, I got the know-how
to properly grill every part of a cow
and when I taste a veggie patty
I just spit it out
I'll break your face with a plate
if you want it well-done
and your wife is always asking me
to toast her buns

I'm too much man for a manicure

I don't even have cuticles

For the sake of convenience
I keep a urinal in my cubicle

I can barefoot ski

I can smell the fear of bees

I threw up in my mouth
that one time that I watched Glee

I am my own boss

My middle name is Hoss

I don't even know what it feels like
to sit with my legs crossed

I've never been shopping

I don't remove pizza toppings

I can tell the age of a mountain goat
just by sniffing its droppings