TOO MANY TIMES

[Verse 1]

Imagine your self-worth is so low that you don't feel useful without being used

A stranger to healthy, you smile in selfies, but it don't feel real unless you're abused

All of the homies that teasein' you like it's a lovebite but it's just a regular bruise

Programmed to think you deserve it so you don't reverse it and keep on repeatin' the loop

It's generational trauma

My DNA's been poisoned

I don't blame my father or mama

They tried to make the right choices

Now I'm breathin' in marijuana

Goin' over life choices

Sweatin' like I stepped in a sauna

I keep hearing all of these voices

Like "you're never worth it"

On the surface

Always calm, but beneath, I'm nervous

Work my ass off, I deserve this

But I never feel like I deserve it

My hair stand on my epidermis

I'm flippin' out 'cause my life a circus

I try to fix it, but nothing's workin'

It's worthless

[Chorus 1]

I asked for love too many times

And was told to "shut up" too many times

Feeling been down on my luck too many times

People didn't give a fuck too many times

Been terrified to touch too many times

Guess I wasn't hard enough too many times

Look at myself in disgust too many times

And I couldn't readjust too many times

[Verse 2]

I look in the mirror and I see a shell

It's like an old friend that I used to know well

Although I'm not sure I was ever my friend

'Cause I never tried finding the love in myself

It's more like a stranger that's stuck in a cell

Whose voice didn't matter whenever he yelled

Nobody's comin' to save him and gave him a chip on his shoulder, he never got help

Succeeded all on my own

So in crowds, I feel I'm alone

No matter how many decorations I put up, I can't make any houses feel like they're a home

Tellin' my therapist, "My brain, it broke"

He tells me it's healthy, the way that I cope

But that doesn't give any answers or any solutions on why there's a knot in my throat

I never get close

Maybe it's my fault I'm always keeping a distance

For instance

To half of my friends, I feel like an assistant

Talking to me when they need me to do something for them, it's never consistent

Good riddance

I think I've watched life grant all of my enemies' wishes–

[Chorus 2]

One too many times

Watched doors get shut too many times

Got thrown into the dust too many times

Had my confidence crushed too many times

Back at it in my gut too many times

Had nothing as a crutch too many times

Lovers into lust too many times

And I couldn't readjust too many times

[Verse 3]

So no shit that I'm different

I used to hide in the high of barbiturates

Phantom limbs, I gave an arm and a leg to have everyone begging and egg me to give them more ligaments

Just to be played like an instrument

Somewhere in me is a child whose innocence

Got stripped away from the cognitive dissonance

Now I'm in LA, I made it, I'm self-made

But nobody's texting, or calling, or visiting

They used to laugh at me, now I just laugh at me, too

Thought I would win to get back at her, but now the more that I'm winning, the more that I lose

I honestly have everything that I've ever wanted and I'm out of every excuse

Not to be happy, but I'm no happy so I lay awake every night, all confused

What happened?