Late December

I still remember that night. Sitting in silence hoping, but I already knew you were gone. Confirmation stabbed in me cracking out until all parts of me collapsed and any semblance of hope turned to ash. I can't count how many times i thought of following you, almost wishing each new wave of agony would finally push me to the end. I know you'll never hear those messaged i left but i still wish we could exchange words and laughs one more time. Or that i could even hear your voice, your breath responding to mine. There are so many things i wish i could say in that moment or the last time we spoke, when i was really the last voice that you heard on this earth. No one ask why we all saw the pain in your eyes that you tried to hide with a smile, it was such a beautiful smile.
We never, never believed in heaven. But i still hope you are in that house by the Beach. No, no more pain in this life. You can rest now, but i miss you.
they said you looked so peaceful and i don't know if i wish i could have seen you like that, no struggle, no pain, you're unchained from this earth.
But all i can picture in my mind is an angel in the rope.
I'm so sorry that i couldn't help you. I wanted you to  be free from the tangles thorns. I want to go back, back to a time when our hearts beat as one.
In the end I can't accept that I'm still here and you are not.