[Rolfe]
And now
Get ready, sit back, and relax
Because it’s time for the Rolfe DeWolfe show!
That’s right
From his extended engagement at Bill's trailer park just 47 miles [?] the fabulous Las Vegas
Showbiz Pizza presents, Rolfe DeWolfe!
Okay, hey, hey, before we get the show started today
I’d just like to thank all my fabulous fans for all their terrific support
The fanmail has just been overwhelmin’
Hey, just keep those cards and letters comin’
[Earl]
What cards and letters, Rolfe?
You ain’t had no fanmail in weeks!
[Rolfe]
Ah, ha ha ha
Ah, ha!
Oh, Earl, you slay me sometimes
Folks, Earl’s just kiddin’
Actually, the mailman brought in two big sacks of mail just this morning
And, hey little Earl, ya can’t tell me they weren’t written by my adoring fans
[Earl]
Well, I don’t know about that, Rolfe
The only way I see they could’ve been written by your fans
Is if yous changed your name to [?]
[Rolfe]
What?
[Earl]
That’s right, Rolfe
Out of all that mail
Only two letters was addressed to you
[Rolfe]
Oh, well
Hey, Earl, two fan letters is better than none
Hey, why don’t you tell us who they were from?
[Earl]
Sure, Rolfe
One was from your mother, and the other was from the IRS
And they both wanted money
[Rolfe]
What?
You mean, I, Rolfe DeWolfe, haven’t received any fanmail?
[Earl]
That’s right Rolfe
None
Zip
Numero zero
Get my meanin’, catch my drift
[Rolfe]
But, but-
[Earl]
But don’t take it so hard, Rolfe
Lots of good entertainers got your same exact problem
[Rolfe]
They do?
[Earl]
Sure!
And you know what they do about it?
[Rolfe]
What?
[Earl]
They get themselves a good agent
[Rolfe]
Aw, Earl, I wouldn’t know where to start lookin’ for a good agent
[Earl]
Well I suggest you start at your right shoulder
And move on down past your elbow, and stop when you get to your wrist
[Rolfe]
Earl, you don’t mean-
[Earl]
Earl Schmerle, B.T.H.A.
That’s big-time Hollywood agent
Reporting for duty
[Rolfe]
But Earl, you’re just a puppet
[Earl]
So?
[Rolfe]
So you’re asking to hold a very important position
[Earl]
A lot of important positions is held by puppets
[Rolfe]
Well, I don’t know, Earl
[Earl]
Please, Rolfe
[Rolfe]
But Earl, why should I make you my agent?
[Earl]
Look, Rolfe
You want more fans, right?
[Rolfe]
Right
[Earl]
And the best way to get more fans
Is to get more people watchin’ the show, right?
[Rolfe]
Well, I guess so
[Earl]
Well, I know how to get more people watchin’ the show
[Rolfe]
Well, how’s that, Earl?
[Earl]
We gotta get us some really famous Guest Stars on here
Like Barbara Streisand
Or Burt Reynolds
Or Olivia Newton-John
[Rolfe]
But, how do we do that, Earl?
[Earl]
That’s where I come in
Earl Schmerle, B.T.H.A.
That’s big-time Hollywood agent
Reporting for duty
[Rolfe]
Hey, Earl
If you can get Barbara Streisand on here
You can be my agent
[Earl]
Alright!
Ladies and gentlemen
We’ll be right back with Barbara Streisand
Right after this commercial message!
[Billy Bob]
Howdy, everybody, I’m Billy Bob
Down at Smitty’s Super Service Station
If you’re lookin’ good, dependable auto repair service
And you don’t wanna pay an arm and a leg
Why don’t you try Smitty’s Super Service Station?
Where we always satisfy our customer
[Mrs. Jones]
So long, Billy Bob!
[Billy Bob]
So long, Mrs. Jones!
(Engine revs)
There goes Mrs. Jones
Another satisfied customer from Smitty’s Super Service Station!
Just listen to that engine purr
Sounds real good, Mrs. Jones!
[Mrs. Jones]
Thanks, Billy Bob, I’ll see you later!
[Billy Bob]
Yes, folks, another happy customer here at Smitty’s Super Service Station
[Looney Bird]
Oah!
Wait, Mrs. Jones, wait!
[Billy Bob]
What’s wrong, Looney Bird?
[Looney Bird]
I ain’t done with her car yet!
[Billy Bob]
Well, what do you mean you “ain’t done with her car yet”?
Her engine sounds fine!
[Looney Bird]
Yeah, but I was working on her breaks!
Oah!
(Car crashes)
[Earl]
And now
Ladies and gentlemen
The Rolfe and Earl show is back
With tonight's special guest
Barbara Streisand!
(“The Way We Were” by Barbara Streisand starts playing)
[Rolfe]
Oh, Earl, I’m so excited
I can hardly believe it
Barbara Streisand on our show
Thanks, little Earl, for getting Barbara Streisand on our show
[Earl]
You’re welcome, Rolfe!
[Rolfe]
Folks, let’s open the curtains and give Barbara a really warm, Showbiz welcome, shall we?
I said, “let’s open the curtains”, now, and really welcome Barbara Streisand
Open the curtains
Earl, the curtains won’t open
[Earl]
Huh?
Oh, so they won’t
Hey Charlie, open the curtains!
[Charlie]
(Ineligible)
[Earl]
Oh, no!
[Rolfe]
What’d he say, Earl?
[Earl]
He said, “We had some technical difficulties”
[Rolfe]
Oh no, now what do I do?
(“The Way We Were” by Barbara Streisand playing, record player malfunctions)
[Earl]
Uh oh
[Rolfe]
Earl?
[Earl]
Uh, ahem, ahem
Uh, Charlie!
(“The Way We Were” by Barbara Streisand stops playing)
[Rolfe]
Earl?
[Earl]
Uh
Close the curtains, Charlie!
[Rolfe]
Technical difficulties, huh, Earl?
I’ll show you some technical difficulties
(Heavy machinery noise)
[Earl]
No!
Please, Rolfe!
Not the [?]!
No, help!
Help, help!
Is there a doctor in the house?!
[?]
Is there a carpenter in the house?!
Help!
(Heavy machinery noise dies down)
Heh, heh
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