Dolly Parton.
If you had to be on a TV game show, which would you choose?
I legit don’t know a single TV game show off the top of my head, I’ve not had cable TV in 10 years. I want to be a professional wrestler, though. That would be sick.
How tall are you?
6’9 and growing by the day baby.
What was the last thing you broke?
I broke my cutting board two weeks ago on accident, and I still haven’t recovered from the loss.
What’s your biggest fear?
My dog running away bc I’m 6’9 and growing and I’m scared she will soon think I am a giant and run.
If you could have a superpower of your choosing, what would it be?
I want super perfect white teeth that I never have to brush, and my breath always smells beautiful.
Do you believe in aliens?
Absolutely. I got the scars on my stomach to prove it.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
I have not, and I plan to keep it that way because I believe in those too.
What have you got in your pockets right now?
Absolutely nothing I’m ass naked rn answering these and my skin is pocketless.
If we gave you $10, what would you spend it on?
50 fake Twitter followers to retweet and favourite this article, so it looks like people actually give a fuck about little ole me.
What did you last dream about?
I had a terrible dream that I don’t even want to begin to try to explain. Just know it wasn’t fun.
What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
Professional badminton player. Easy. Next question.
I think I might be banned from a venue in New York City for bringing like 30-40 people on stage for my last song because they specifically asked me not to.
If you could form a supergroup of your choice, who would be in it?
Me. I don’t want anybody else in my supergroup. I’m 6’8, and it would only make me look taller standing next to other people. :(
What is your most treasured possession?
Food. I haven’t eaten a meal in over 11 years since it all went extinct. I’m absolutely fucking starving.
How punk are you out of ten?
I want to write a TV show really bad.
What’s your breakfast of choice?
I told ya earlier I haven’t eaten food in 11 years. I would kill for some breakfast right about now. It’s a shame all food went extinct, and I’ve been surviving on slugs and twigs.
If a genie granted you three wishes, what would you ask for?
Infinite wishes. Boom. I fucking win.
What’s one thing people don’t know about you?
I unironically listen to Jonas Brothers - Burnin Up because it is a fucking jam.
Why are you like this?
Bc I am a big fucking loser, and I’m ok with it and sleep fine at night.P
Taken from the March 2021 edition of Dork, out now. Jawny’s project ‘For Abby’ is out now.
