Dolly Parton.

If you had to be on a TV game show, which would you choose?

I legit don’t know a single TV game show off the top of my head, I’ve not had cable TV in 10 years. I want to be a professional wrestler, though. That would be sick.

How tall are you?

6’9 and growing by the day baby.

What was the last thing you broke?

I broke my cutting board two weeks ago on accident, and I still haven’t recovered from the loss.

What’s your biggest fear?

My dog running away bc I’m 6’9 and growing and I’m scared she will soon think I am a giant and run.

If you could have a superpower of your choosing, what would it be?

I want super perfect white teeth that I never have to brush, and my breath always smells beautiful.

Do you believe in aliens?

Absolutely. I got the scars on my stomach to prove it.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

I have not, and I plan to keep it that way because I believe in those too.

What have you got in your pockets right now?

Absolutely nothing I’m ass naked rn answering these and my skin is pocketless.

If we gave you $10, what would you spend it on?

50 fake Twitter followers to retweet and favourite this article, so it looks like people actually give a fuck about little ole me.

What did you last dream about?

I had a terrible dream that I don’t even want to begin to try to explain. Just know it wasn’t fun.

What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?

Professional badminton player. Easy. Next question.

I think I might be banned from a venue in New York City for bringing like 30-40 people on stage for my last song because they specifically asked me not to.

If you could form a supergroup of your choice, who would be in it?

Me. I don’t want anybody else in my supergroup. I’m 6’8, and it would only make me look taller standing next to other people. :(

What is your most treasured possession?

Food. I haven’t eaten a meal in over 11 years since it all went extinct. I’m absolutely fucking starving.

How punk are you out of ten?

I want to write a TV show really bad.

What’s your breakfast of choice?

I told ya earlier I haven’t eaten food in 11 years. I would kill for some breakfast right about now. It’s a shame all food went extinct, and I’ve been surviving on slugs and twigs.

If a genie granted you three wishes, what would you ask for?

Infinite wishes. Boom. I fucking win.

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

I unironically listen to Jonas Brothers - Burnin Up because it is a fucking jam.

Why are you like this?

Bc I am a big fucking loser, and I’m ok with it and sleep fine at night.P

Taken from the March 2021 edition of Dork, out now. Jawny’s project ‘For Abby’ is out now.