4pm

It’s 4 PM on a Monday and I cannot stop sobbing I haven’t been able to eat or sleep or leave the bed for days Crying every single day for the past 20 days Now that I type it out, that seems like an obvious red flag Something is wrong On paper, my life is nice Actually, my life is becoming the very life I have dreamed about since I was a little kid I so badly wish I could engage, appreciate, and truly live this life that I’ve been fortunate enough to experience Unfortunately, there is a seemingly infinite void inside of me And a darkness that won’t lift I have never felt this alone and discarded in my life This includes times when I lost friends, family, and even what I thought was my god Perhaps those losses just compounded, including my current situational stressors Or maybe this is unrelated Or maybe I am making it all up I am writing this on my iPhone And can already tell that this text will either end up sounding like a suicide note or like, some pathetic attempt at “being real” It is neither though The closest thing I can think of to compare this text to is a letter to the universe Begging for the aching to let up, the crying to slow, and my ability to function to return Sometimes I am just grateful that I can still cry - because being numb is an even worse reality, and very few people seem to return from that