4pm

It’s 4 PM on a Monday and I cannot stop sobbing

I haven’t been able to eat or sleep or leave the bed for days

Crying every single day for the past 20 days

Now that I type it out, that seems like an obvious red flag

Something is wrong

On paper, my life is nice

Actually, my life is becoming the very life I have dreamed about since I was a little kid

I so badly wish I could engage, appreciate, and truly live this life that I’ve been fortunate enough to experience

Unfortunately, there is a seemingly infinite void inside of me

And a darkness that won’t lift

I have never felt this alone and discarded in my life

This includes times when I lost friends, family, and even what I thought was my god

Perhaps those losses just compounded, including my current situational stressors

Or maybe this is unrelated

Or maybe I am making it all up

I am writing this on my iPhone

And can already tell that this text will either end up sounding like a suicide note or like, some pathetic attempt at “being real”

It is neither though

The closest thing I can think of to compare this text to is a letter to the universe

Begging for the aching to let up, the crying to slow, and my ability to function to return

Sometimes I am just grateful that I can still cry - because being numb is an even worse reality, and very few people seem to return from that