Trauma

[Verse] I got trauma from my momma She used to beat me down as if she was the Brown Bomber I couldn’t figure out a way to make her feel calmer I think about it, now: it kinda make me feel somber I used to think about it, didn't make me feel nothing Acting like it mattered, didn’t make me feel tough and Feeling tough was really like my number one focus From growing up in a city lots of people feel hopeless And listening to music about sex and violence Just a matter of time 'fore we was like: “Let’s try this...” Started having sex whеn I was twelve years old My brain wasn’t еven done growing Coming from a mom that used to wild and bug ‘Fore i was a teen, I really needed that love Two years later, she would dump me for a senior Solidifying my misogynist demeanor Hearts that young aren’t meant to be broken Later on, I’d get into incessant weed smoking Now, at 39, I still be wishing and hoping Somehow we wind up together: I am not joking But lemme take it back before my parents got hitched My pop was with a woman, then that had it all wrong By five years old, I would already think about sex She used to let me hump her legs when he was gone I know that sounds mad Under the sheets, rubbing my crotch against her calves I realize now, I always knew that it was something bad ‘Cause up until this song, I always kept it from my dad But how come any five-year-old would wanna hump legs? I just might have to owe that to my neighbor next door He was a little older and a little more mature My mother caught us playing doctor: I was only four Luckily, she caught us ‘fore we started using mouths But not before I found out how it felt to get aroused Now, I think about it as a grown intellectual Life as a shortie shouldn’t be so sexual I also should've never had to lie to BCS That type of thing could really bring a kid a lot of stress My mom had trauma, too, so she was only doing her best I feared that they were gonna take me out of my address No wonder, my relationships with women always fail What’s crazy is I’m lucky, ‘cause at least I’m not in jail Compared to everybody else, I had it so easy Got family that was touched up by uncles: that’s so sleazy Won’t put they business in the street ‘cause they know who they are The question I have trouble answering is: who am I? For almost 40 years, I was afraid to even ask My father always taught me men are not supposed to cry So, every bit of pain I ever had, I locked away But now, I’m here to let you know that that is not the way I thought that I had tricked myself, thought I was being slick That fantasy departed when I started getting sick The doctors couldn’t tell me any way to make it stop My soul was under too much pressure, it was gonna pop It turned out that the only way that I could ever heal Is start to work through all the trauma I had kept concealed It hasn’t happened overnight I know that it might take a while, may even take a life But one way or another, I just gotta make it right Right?