Professional Rapper

[Intro: Lil Dicky & Juanita] Hello, how can I help you? Hi, my name's Dave Burd Uh, I have an appointment today It's probably under "Lil Dicky", actually I'm a... I'm a rapper, so... Okay, and who are you here to see? Uh, Snoop Dogg? Says here "Snoop D-O-G-G" Oh, yeah, he's right down the hall, first door to your right Give him a knock and he should be right with you Thanks It's uh, this door right here, right? Mhm Thank you [Verse 1: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg] Grab a seat Thanks, I'm Dave, very nice to meet Dave, what it do? You can call me Dogg Let me just check your sheet No problem, sir, let me just say I'm a big fan of the shit that y'all make I can't lie, I been thinkin' 'bout this all day All good, there's a reason that we called, Dave Let me start with your background, where you come from? Sure, I was undergrad down there in Richmond Before that Oh, you talkin' 'bout my hometown? (Yeah) I was born out of Philly, grew up in a little silly old town called Cheltenham It was in the suburbs, upper-middle wealth around So real shit, you ain't never had to struggle for much? I wouldn't say it like that We just had a different kind of trap (Elaborate) Well, I ain't never had a tool but I had to be the man at school Like, I was doing shit I had to do So when I finished undergrad, I'm cool And I could get whatever job I wanted But the job you wanted wasn't all that bumpin' Yeah, and I saw it quick all the flaws that be comin' When you grow up like that, when you been racin' them rats You ain't been makin' them raps Boo-hoo, what a hardship How you paid to get the rap shit started? Man, my Bar Mitzvah money But don't diss me, buddy, I wasn't one of them youngins Up on the block who had nothin' to lose I must've wanted this a lot, I had somethin' to choose Ha, look at that, I can say there's somethin' to prove up in yo' ass Yeah, I guess— That's enough of the past What makes you want to do rap? Oh my God, it's the best Bitches let me draw up on their breasts Literally, I can reinvent myself I get a forum to project myself, it's never borin' Every mornin', I wake up and try to best myself I never got to be suppressed or stealthy to express myself It's kinda healthy— Cool, now let me Put you through a couple hypotheticals— Sure In a club and a couple niggas threaten you? Uh... I wouldn't do shit, and I don't even get What that got to do with this? Shut the fuck up, rap's like life If you wanna do this Then you won't get far actin' like a lil' bitch— Nah, that's my niche, don't get offended by this But that's the market y'all missed, that's the target I'll hit And that's the heart of my pitch I wanna do this whole thing different [Interlude: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg] What the fuck you mean You wanna do the whole thing different? Uh, you know, I-I think, like, you know Traditionally, people have been doing the job, uh You know, the same kind of way for a long time But traditionally speaking, this shit works, right? Nah, like, I get that But I-I just think like, you know You don't know if it could be working even better And I think you should look at me as an opportunity To find that out I don't mean any disrespect by that I'm just saying I have a different background Like, a different perspective Way of looking at things than your typical applicant So what are your biggest strengths? [Verse 2: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg] Well, my flow is crazy I can switch that amazin' For example, I can be like ain't nobody fuckin' with Lil Dicky When he get up on that shit and spit it sick and ridiculous Rippin' this shit like it's never been did and The rhythm is never predictable 'cause I can switch it, deliver this shit in Whatever cadence you bitches prefer (Alright, alright, I get it) Top of that, lyrically, I'm pretty damn clever (Go) Got a long bottom bitch, call the ho Neville (Woah) And I blew it from the jump, Derrick Rose knee (Oh) You can say I'm pretty smart how I know better And y'all been winning like Pistorius, it's no feat Bro, I can go on and on I'm takin' over any man like father-in-laws Okay, enough of the punchline That ain't showing me you different than the other guys Well, I don't know if they can run it like that But ain't nobody else doing funny type rap (What's that?) Well, I can tell a story 'bout my mornin', watchin' Boy Meets World and jerkin' off to Topanga Lawrence Like the fourteen year old Topanga Oh, this shit like a joke to you? I don't get it Nah, it ain't like that, I just happen to be a nutty abundantly Funny type of individual, like, as a guy So when I get up on the mic, I ain't finna just lie Real recognize real, right? Yeah, I guess... so what you tryna do Five years from now, tell me 'bout the dude Well, I don't care about the money, like, it's the respect that I'm wanting Honestly, I just want to be one of the greats Where they gotta bring your boy up every debate I don't wanna leave the game the same In a nutshell, what's your legacy? Well, I wanna be the dude that came in and made the stand-up rap Put the random rap in demand like that For the people that was anti-rap, yet, the fans of rap Start to recognize that anti-rap Is ironically one of the real brands of rap left That shit sound pretty damn complex I guess, I wanna be the best, I just wanna do it my way And turn the whole game sideways And show people you ain't gotta be resigned to the highway You can make a path while these motherfuckers drive straight (I ain't mad at that) Well, thanks, man That's my plan of my attack, just let me in and I'ma rap the plaques And I ain't about to win them back to back I'm 'bout to win them like it's back to back to back To back to back 'til I stop rapping You ain't even sold a damn album yet (True) That's a lot of talk from a wily vet Let alone a young rook', nigga (You misread me) Nah, this ain't a book, nigga Well, that's one of my flaws, I'm too competitive, dawg No, you just fucking repetitive, dawg I get it, you trying to be better than all But you aren't shit until cheddar's involved I get that I gotta prove myself No shit, you ain't done shit Think about that though, only doing this a couple of years One tape and I'm like this? This shit is aight for your first shit But you don't know if it's your worst shit You don't think finding out would be worth it? It might be, it might not But I'ma put your ass to work, kid [Interlude: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg] Wait, like, like I have the job? Like really? Well, one more thing Let me see if you could put a hook together What would you do for the hook for this song? Uh, you- you want me to make a hook up right now? Do I look like the type of nigga that like repeatin' himself? Aight, uh, okay Man, do the hook! Uh— I'm 'bout to be professional Homie, I'm professional Yeah- uh, maybe like a low voice type thing? Nigga, that shit is garbage, man Well, you know I feel like there might have been some upside to it But I'm not good at thinkin' of things on the spot like that Don't y'all normally, like Outsource for that kind of thing sometimes? Sometimes, heh, but you know That was some next level Dogg shit right there Yeah, you know I'm just way better when I get to think things through Have, like, my dual screen action, that kinda thing Whatever, man, you tryna smoke a blunt? Right now? Yeah Sure [Outro: Lil Dicky, Snoop Dogg & Juanita] Dope Juanita, bring some weed in here, please Thank you You got it, Snoop I'll be right there Thanks, Juanita Super nice woman Nigga, why does everything you say sound so soft? Uh, I really don't wanna be spoken to like that, so... Pfft, yeah, whatever Thanks Hey, I got y'all your weed Damn, that's some great looking weed It's just so early Can I get you guys anything else while I'm here? Coffee? Tea? Head? Bottled water? D-Did you just say head? Yeah You ain't never got no head before? I mean... Just feels like... A lot, right now Okay But what kind of tea do you guys have? We got mint, raspberry, Earl Grey, English Breakfast... Actually, I'll take head I knew your little dirty ass wanted some head