Professional Rapper

[Intro: Lil Dicky & Juanita]

Hello, how can I help you?

Hi, my name's Dave Burd

Uh, I have an appointment today

It's probably under "Lil Dicky", actually

I'm a... I'm a rapper, so...

Okay, and who are you here to see?

Uh, Snoop Dogg? Says here "Snoop D-O-G-G"

Oh, yeah, he's right down the hall, first door to your right

Give him a knock and he should be right with you

Thanks

It's uh, this door right here, right?

Mhm

Thank you

[Verse 1: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg]

Grab a seat

Thanks, I'm Dave, very nice to meet

Dave, what it do? You can call me Dogg

Let me just check your sheet

No problem, sir, let me just say

I'm a big fan of the shit that y'all make

I can't lie, I been thinkin' 'bout this all day

All good, there's a reason that we called, Dave

Let me start with your background, where you come from?

Sure, I was undergrad down there in Richmond

Before that

Oh, you talkin' 'bout my hometown? (Yeah)

I was born out of Philly, grew up in a little silly old town called Cheltenham

It was in the suburbs, upper-middle wealth around

So real shit, you ain't never had to struggle for much?

I wouldn't say it like that

We just had a different kind of trap (Elaborate)

Well, I ain't never had a tool but I had to be the man at school

Like, I was doing shit I had to do

So when I finished undergrad, I'm cool

And I could get whatever job I wanted

But the job you wanted wasn't all that bumpin'

Yeah, and I saw it quick all the flaws that be comin'

When you grow up like that, when you been racin' them rats

You ain't been makin' them raps

Boo-hoo, what a hardship

How you paid to get the rap shit started?

Man, my Bar Mitzvah money

But don't diss me, buddy, I wasn't one of them youngins

Up on the block who had nothin' to lose

I must've wanted this a lot, I had somethin' to choose

Ha, look at that, I can say there's somethin' to prove up in yo' ass

Yeah, I guess— That's enough of the past

What makes you want to do rap? Oh my God, it's the best

Bitches let me draw up on their breasts

Literally, I can reinvent myself

I get a forum to project myself, it's never borin'

Every mornin', I wake up and try to best myself

I never got to be suppressed or stealthy to express myself

It's kinda healthy— Cool, now let me

Put you through a couple hypotheticals— Sure

In a club and a couple niggas threaten you? Uh...

I wouldn't do shit, and I don't even get

What that got to do with this? Shut the fuck up, rap's like life

If you wanna do this

Then you won't get far actin' like a lil' bitch—

Nah, that's my niche, don't get offended by this

But that's the market y'all missed, that's the target I'll hit

And that's the heart of my pitch

I wanna do this whole thing different

[Interlude: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg]

What the fuck you mean

You wanna do the whole thing different?

Uh, you know, I-I think, like, you know

Traditionally, people have been doing the job, uh

You know, the same kind of way for a long time

But traditionally speaking, this shit works, right?

Nah, like, I get that

But I-I just think like, you know

You don't know if it could be working even better

And I think you should look at me as an opportunity

To find that out

I don't mean any disrespect by that

I'm just saying I have a different background

Like, a different perspective

Way of looking at things than your typical applicant

So what are your biggest strengths?

[Verse 2: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg]

Well, my flow is crazy

I can switch that amazin'

For example, I can be like ain't nobody fuckin' with Lil Dicky

When he get up on that shit and spit it sick and ridiculous

Rippin' this shit like it's never been did and

The rhythm is never predictable 'cause I can switch it, deliver this shit in

Whatever cadence you bitches prefer (Alright, alright, I get it)

Top of that, lyrically, I'm pretty damn clever (Go)

Got a long bottom bitch, call the ho Neville (Woah)

And I blew it from the jump, Derrick Rose knee (Oh)

You can say I'm pretty smart how I know better

And y'all been winning like Pistorius, it's no feat

Bro, I can go on and on

I'm takin' over any man like father-in-laws

Okay, enough of the punchline

That ain't showing me you different than the other guys

Well, I don't know if they can run it like that

But ain't nobody else doing funny type rap (What's that?)

Well, I can tell a story 'bout my mornin', watchin' Boy Meets

World and jerkin' off to Topanga Lawrence

Like the fourteen year old Topanga

Oh, this shit like a joke to you? I don't get it

Nah, it ain't like that, I just happen to be a nutty abundantly

Funny type of individual, like, as a guy

So when I get up on the mic, I ain't finna just lie

Real recognize real, right?

Yeah, I guess... so what you tryna do

Five years from now, tell me 'bout the dude

Well, I don't care about the money, like, it's the respect that I'm wanting

Honestly, I just want to be one of the greats

Where they gotta bring your boy up every debate

I don't wanna leave the game the same

In a nutshell, what's your legacy?

Well, I wanna be the dude that came in and made the stand-up rap

Put the random rap in demand like that

For the people that was anti-rap, yet, the fans of rap

Start to recognize that anti-rap

Is ironically one of the real brands of rap left

That shit sound pretty damn complex

I guess, I wanna be the best, I just wanna do it my way

And turn the whole game sideways

And show people you ain't gotta be resigned to the highway

You can make a path while these motherfuckers drive straight

(I ain't mad at that) Well, thanks, man

That's my plan of my attack, just let me in and I'ma rap the plaques

And I ain't about to win them back to back

I'm 'bout to win them like it's back to back to back

To back to back 'til I stop rapping

You ain't even sold a damn album yet (True)

That's a lot of talk from a wily vet

Let alone a young rook', nigga (You misread me)

Nah, this ain't a book, nigga

Well, that's one of my flaws, I'm too competitive, dawg

No, you just fucking repetitive, dawg

I get it, you trying to be better than all

But you aren't shit until cheddar's involved

I get that I gotta prove myself

No shit, you ain't done shit

Think about that though, only doing this a couple of years

One tape and I'm like this? This shit is aight for your first shit

But you don't know if it's your worst shit

You don't think finding out would be worth it?

It might be, it might not

But I'ma put your ass to work, kid

[Interlude: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg]

Wait, like, like I have the job? Like really?

Well, one more thing

Let me see if you could put a hook together

What would you do for the hook for this song?

Uh, you- you want me to make a hook up right now?

Do I look like the type of nigga that like repeatin' himself?

Aight, uh, okay

Man, do the hook!

Uh— I'm 'bout to be professional

Homie, I'm professional

Yeah- uh, maybe like a low voice type thing?

Nigga, that shit is garbage, man

Well, you know

I feel like there might have been some upside to it

But I'm not good at thinkin' of things on the spot like that

Don't y'all normally, like

Outsource for that kind of thing sometimes?

Sometimes, heh, but you know

That was some next level Dogg shit right there

Yeah, you know

I'm just way better when I get to think things through

Have, like, my dual screen action, that kinda thing

Whatever, man, you tryna smoke a blunt?

Right now? Yeah

Sure

[Outro: Lil Dicky, Snoop Dogg & Juanita]

Dope

Juanita, bring some weed in here, please

Thank you

You got it, Snoop

I'll be right there

Thanks, Juanita

Super nice woman

Nigga, why does everything you say sound so soft?

Uh, I really don't wanna be spoken to like that, so...

Pfft, yeah, whatever

Thanks

Hey, I got y'all your weed

Damn, that's some great looking weed

It's just so early

Can I get you guys anything else while I'm here? Coffee? Tea? Head? Bottled water?

D-Did you just say head?

Yeah

You ain't never got no head before?

I mean... Just feels like... A lot, right now

Okay

But what kind of tea do you guys have?

We got mint, raspberry, Earl Grey, English Breakfast...

Actually, I'll take head

I knew your little dirty ass wanted some head