The Cask

[Edgar:] Never bet the devil your head. When I was an infant, my mother treated me like a tough steak. To her well regulated mind, babies were the better for beatings, but she was left handed and a child flogged left handed is better left unflogged, The world revolves from right to left; it will not do to whip a baby from left to right. If each blow in the right direction drives an evil propensity out, a blow in the opposite direction knocks its quota of wickedness in. Hence my precocity in vice, my sensitivity to injuries, the thousands of injuries heaped upon me by Fortunato and then finally his rabid insults for which I vowed revenge! I gave no utterance to threat. But the knowledge of "avengemenship" was so definite, so precise, that no risk could befall me. By neither word nor deed had I given cause to doubt my good will. I would punish with impunity. I will fuck him up the ass and piss in his face. I will redress the wrong. But lips and psyche, mind, be silent: Fortunato approaches [Fortunato:] Don't take me to task for loving a cask The cask of Amontillado Please don't make a pass, you can go kiss my ass All I want is this mythical cask The cask of Amontillado I've heard so much through the grapevine I've heard so much on the line But the one thing that I lust after Is the one thing I've never had So is it too much to ask? To have just one taste of the cask? Why, you could go kiss my ass For the cask of Amontillado Edgar, old fellow! Dear bosom friend, hail fellow, well-met! Oh great elucidator, great epopee! [Edgar:] Haha, Fortunato, what luck to meet you And what good good luck to meet you And see you looking so splendid! I have received a cask of Amontillado Or what passes for Amontillado [Fortunato:] Amontillado? That most wondrous sherry? A cask? Impossible! How? So rare! [Edgar:] I've had my doubts I was silly enough to pay the full price without consulting you in the matter But you were not to be found, and I was fearful of losing a bargain [Fortunato:] Fearfully stupid if you ask me, Edgar [Edgar:] I am on my way to see Mr. Bolo [Fortunato:] A cask! [Edgar:] A cask To gather his opinion Are you engaged? [Fortunato:] Mr. Bolo cannot tell Amontillado from goat's milk! [Edgar:] Yet, some say his taste is a match for your own [Fortunato:] Hardly, dear boy Let us go [Edgar:] Where? [Fortunato:] To your vaults! To the supposed Amontillado! [Edgar:] Oh my good friend, no I could not impose upon your good nature You have, after all, an engagement [Fortunato:] To hell with the engagement! I have no engagement! Before the sky withers and falls, let us go! [coughing] [Edgar:] But the vaults are damp And I see you are afflicted with a severe cold [Fortunato:] Oh let us go, the cold is nothing! You've been taken advantage of And Mr. Bolo cannot tell Amontillado from piss The cask? [Edgar:] It is farther on But see the white web work Which gleams from the cavern walls [Fortunato:] [coughing] Nitre? Nitre? [Edgar:] How long have you had that cough? Yes, nitre [Fortunato:] It is nothing [Edgar:] We should go back Your health is precious You are a man who would be missed [Fortunato:] [coughing] [Edgar:] Let's return I cannot be responsible for causing you ill health And anyway there's always Mr. Bolo [Fortunato:] Oh be damned, I'll not be swayed The cough is nothing It will not kill me I won't die of a cough [Edgar:] Of that, you can be sure Have some of this Medoc to warm the bones And defend you from this infernal dampness Drink.. drink, damn you! [Fortunato:] I drink to the buried that repose around us [Edgar:] And I to your long life! The nitre It hangs like moss We are below the river's bed The moisture trickles, chills the bones Let's go back Your cough [Fortunato:] The cough is nothing Let us have some more Medoc Let us proceed to the Amontillado [Edgar:] So proceed Herein the Amontillado Now Mr. Bolo [Fortunato:] Mr. Bolo is an imbecile! An ignoramus! [Edgar:] Can you not feel the nitre? You really should go, I implore you No? Then I must leave you here But first let me render you all the little attentions within my power [Fortunato:] The Amontillado Hahahaha... A very good joke indeed, haha We will have many a rich laugh about it over our wine in the palazzo [Edgar:] The Amontillado [Fortunato:] Yes, yes yes The Amontillado [Edgar:] Well, then let's go [Fortunato:] For, for the love of God! [Edgar:] Precisely For the love of God Fortunato Fortunato...