Headlights

Growing up I had a friend I haven't seen her in a while When we were in middle school I'd walk from mine to hers on snow days, and Sometimes we'd ride sleds together in the street Getting pulled behind a truck We also carpooled a lot And shared a seat on the bus And in 8th grade she was the first person I came out to I trusted her, but not enough to tell her How my first crush was actually on another friend of hers I don't remember where she introduced us But I felt like becoming friends with him as a friend of his friend Was too impossible a distance to close without her finding out I started going to her house more Increasingly so just to wait there in case he showed up Her family would throw parties often at the holidays And I would go there wondering if I'd see him again Whether it was at Christmas or at New Year's There would be years he was absent but I'd still spend those nights Hoping his headlights would turn into the driveway Over time I started hating him, or I started hating myself But I hated most how I'd pray each night Asking God to make him see me in all the ways I couldn't