Headlights

Growing up I had a friend
I haven't seen her in a while
When we were in middle school
I'd walk from mine to hers on snow days, and
Sometimes we'd ride sleds together in the street
Getting pulled behind a truck
We also carpooled a lot
And shared a seat on the bus
And in 8th grade she was the first person I came out to
I trusted her, but not enough to tell her
How my first crush was actually on another friend of hers
I don't remember where she introduced us
But I felt like becoming friends with him as a friend of his friend
Was too impossible a distance to close without her finding out
I started going to her house more
Increasingly so just to wait there in case he showed up

Her family would throw parties often at the holidays
And I would go there wondering if I'd see him again
Whether it was at Christmas or at New Year's
There would be years he was absent but I'd still spend those nights
Hoping his headlights would turn into the driveway
Over time I started hating him, or I started hating myself
But I hated most how I'd pray each night
Asking God to make him see me in all the ways I couldn't