Don't Count On Me

[Verse 1: Fat Mike] Whenever you're in need, or just feeling down Remember that I'm probably on tour in a different town If you're in a bind or feeling against a wall Please don't make me one of the first people that you call And I mean this very sincere-ishly [Chorus: Eric Melvin] Don't count on me, 'cause I'm the worst If I'm there, it'll be a surprise to so many other friends that I'd call first It's not that I don't care, I just don't care very much 'Cause I'm either on the spectrum, or just plain out of touch That's who I am, that's what I do I could change if I wanted to, but I don't [Verse 2: Fat Mike & Eric Melvin] But if you really (But if you rеally) Need someone to count on (Need someonе to count on) To bring you stress, to extinguish happiness And anxiety and duress You can always count on me [Chorus: Far Mike, Eric Melvin, Fat Mike and Eric Melvin] 'Cause I'm chalant, I'm inspiteful I am peccable and compliable I'm a cockroach in a salad I'm invalid, not invalid I'm an empty diary As useful as a college degree I put the "emo" in chemotherapy If you ever really need some one to be there [Chorus: Fat Mike] Don't count on me I'm just a clown I'm gonna wind you up I'm gonna cheer you down I made the choice To accept what people think of me I'll be your whipping boy Or your friendly effigy I'll even go down for the count [Chorus: Eric Melvin] Don't count on me I've no hand to lend I was born in the beginning So I won't be there in the end So feel free to call me friendly Just please, don't call me friend [Interlude: El Hefe & Fat Mike] After thirty years I'm still the new guy Sometimes guitaring feels like work When I feel like Chekov or Sulu And Fatty's Captain Kirk I think he's the punk rock William Shatner I can see the similarity His clothes are too tight He's out of touch and lacks sensitivity Don't look at me like you're in shock Smelly is our redshirt, he sure ain't Mr. Spock And Melvin is a Klingon, look, they've got the same shaped face And I'm sorry to tell you, Hefe, but in the future There's still no Mexicans in space [Chorus: Fat Mike] So don't count on me 'Cause I couldn't be prouder The coke I shared with you Was just crank and baby powder Just like Cokie the Clown I'm gonna wind you up I'm gonna cheer you down 'Cause this is what I consider fun Making you think the song was already done [Outro: Fat Mike] So don't count on me Don't count on me