Don't Count On Me

[Verse 1: Fat Mike]

Whenever you're in need, or just feeling down

Remember that I'm probably on tour in a different town

If you're in a bind or feeling against a wall

Please don't make me one of the first people that you call

And I mean this very sincere-ishly

[Chorus: Eric Melvin]

Don't count on me, 'cause I'm the worst

If I'm there, it'll be a surprise to so many other friends that I'd call first

It's not that I don't care, I just don't care very much

'Cause I'm either on the spectrum, or just plain out of touch

That's who I am, that's what I do

I could change if I wanted to, but I don't

[Verse 2: Fat Mike & Eric Melvin]

But if you really (But if you rеally)

Need someone to count on (Need someonе to count on)

To bring you stress, to extinguish happiness

And anxiety and duress

You can always count on me

[Chorus: Far Mike, Eric Melvin, Fat Mike and Eric Melvin]

'Cause I'm chalant, I'm inspiteful

I am peccable and compliable

I'm a cockroach in a salad

I'm invalid, not invalid

I'm an empty diary

As useful as a college degree

I put the "emo" in chemotherapy

If you ever really need some one to be there

[Chorus: Fat Mike]

Don't count on me

I'm just a clown

I'm gonna wind you up

I'm gonna cheer you down

I made the choice

To accept what people think of me

I'll be your whipping boy

Or your friendly effigy

I'll even go down for the count

[Chorus: Eric Melvin]

Don't count on me

I've no hand to lend

I was born in the beginning

So I won't be there in the end

So feel free to call me friendly

Just please, don't call me friend

[Interlude: El Hefe & Fat Mike]

After thirty years I'm still the new guy

Sometimes guitaring feels like work

When I feel like Chekov or Sulu

And Fatty's Captain Kirk

I think he's the punk rock William Shatner

I can see the similarity

His clothes are too tight

He's out of touch and lacks sensitivity

Don't look at me like you're in shock

Smelly is our redshirt, he sure ain't Mr. Spock

And Melvin is a Klingon, look, they've got the same shaped face

And I'm sorry to tell you, Hefe, but in the future

There's still no Mexicans in space

[Chorus: Fat Mike]

So don't count on me

'Cause I couldn't be prouder

The coke I shared with you

Was just crank and baby powder

Just like Cokie the Clown

I'm gonna wind you up

I'm gonna cheer you down

'Cause this is what I consider fun

Making you think the song was already done

[Outro: Fat Mike]

So don't count on me

Don't count on me