We have no idea what the new Arctic Monkeys album is like yet, but we're going to speculate anyway

Arctic Monkeys have finally announced their sixth album, 'Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino', today complete with an album cover that looks like a half-finished Blue Peter Tracy Island. We’re pretty excited about it here at Dork, but we haven’t heard it yet. Instead, we thought we’d give you a not-so-serious track by track breakdown of what we think it’s going to be about.

Popular Wakefield singer and presenter Jane McDonald once hosted a makeover show called Star Treatment on ITV. It’s probably not about that, but it could be about the makeover that led to Alex Turner deciding that facial hair was a fun idea. Remember when he looked like that kid you were mates with in high school but haven’t spoken to since? Good times.

Pictures that have one vanishing point on the horizon are known as having one-point perspective. You’ll typically see this in pictures of roads, railway tracks or hallways. Without getting too existential crisis-y here, this one is probably about something being very far off in the distance and seemingly unattainable. Or Alex Turner might just really love roads. Los Angeles does have a lot of them.

American Sports are a bit weird aren’t they? They call football “soccer”, their baseball World Series only seems to have teams from America in it and American Football is a thing. Since they’ve upped sticks to LA, is this the band renouncing their love for Sheffield Wednesday in favour of LA Galaxy? With that Zlatan Ibrahimović debut the other day, it wouldn’t be surprising. Jordan Rhodes probably couldn’t score like that.

The title track. The granddaddy. The big dog. Welcome to the Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino. Judging by the little teaser that was released when the album was announced, we’d guess that the album is set in Blackpool. That organ sound is unmistakable. The smell of salt in the air. The glorious tower to rival the Eiffel Tower. Willy straws. Could Arctic Monkeys be following in the footsteps of The Libertines and opening their own hotel too?

There have been lots of questions about what Arctic Monkeys have been up to on their time off. Five whole years is a lot of time to watch films. But what would the Arctic Monkeys like to watch on their little break. Judging from the title of this track it’s a lot of Austin Powers in Goldmember.

This is about the number of years the band spent watching Goldmember since the release of AM in 2013. That fifth year was when they realised they should probably make another album.

Did you know the world’s first ever monster truck front flip was performed in Las Vegas last year? It earned driver Lee O’Donnell the title of Monster Jam World Finals Freestyle Champion. Have a watch below – it’s pretty mad! Suddenly our theory around it being a concept album about Blackpool doesn’t sound so silly. It is the Las Vegas of the North, after all! It could be set in the actual Las Vegas but does Las Vegas have donkeys? No it does not.

Aliens, time travel, space travel, dystopias. Science fiction can be about anything really. Blackpool does look a bit like a dystopia on a miserable day. This album’s probably not about Blackpool is it? Well let’s just hope this track is inspired by science fiction classic “Year 3000” by Busted then.

Who is she? What is fun? What does it mean to look like fun? Is Alex Turner referring to the sense of enjoyment and amusement or the currently on hiatus Jack Antonoff project fun.? How can one person look like three people? So many questions that this track hopefully answers.

Having a big red phone in your house isn’t very inconspicuous, but for Batman and pals it was how Commissioner Gordon got in touch in the 1960s TV series. Since then it’s become jargon for a high priority telephone line. Could Alex be getting a bit peckish in the Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino and wanting to order some room service sharpish? It’s either that or Alex has gone all Dali on us and done his own version of Lobster Telephone in homage to Ozzy Osborne.

What better thing to order through the Batphone than Ultracheese? Stronger than your regular Stilton or Roquefort, this is next level cheese. Of course it needs a priority telephone line! It could also be a reference to Alex Turner’s transformation from the lad getting in fights in club queues to Sheffield’s answer to hip-swinging Father John Misty, but we’ve really got cheese on the brain at this point. Someone pass us the Batphone. [sc name="stopper"]

Arctic Monkeys' new album 'Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino' is set for release on 11th May via Domino.