Dial a Hitman

She's bugging me again, run to use the phone

Find and rent a hitman from the twilight zone

It was good in the beginning, the wife's become a drag

Found me a solution in Adventure Mag

Five C's as down payment, it's just a call away

Cheaper than some legal fees, and they do the job today

So if you got a problem, pick up the telephone

For the guns-and-glory cowboys from the twilight zone

At the Continental Club, there's no extras for striptease

We're the gang that couldn't shoot straight, but we aim to please

Viet vets and drifters shell-shocked from the hill

At the Continental, Doc Savage pays the bill

Yeah, soldiers of fortune, but we're not mental giants

But, mister, I must tell you, neither are our clients

So if you got a problem, pick up the telephone

For the guns-and-glory cowboys from the twilight zone

At the Continental Club, there's no extras for striptease

We're the gang that couldn't shoot straight, but we aim to please

Did a job in Georgia, money in advance

Fingers through the post with chilling nonchalance

I've seen some civil war now, for the cash we took their lives

Back here on the homestead, rich on people's wives

We're eighties bounty hunters with comical ineptitude

Modern cowboy cadres, guns-and-glory dudes

So if you got a problem, pick up the telephone

For the guns-and-glory cowboys from the twilight zone

At the Continental Club, there's no extras for striptease

We're the gang that couldn't shoot straight, but we aim to please

[Sound of dial tone and then a rapid burst of touch tones]

[Operator]

May I help you?....May I help you?

[Caller]

Yes, is this the operator?

[Operator]

Yes

[Caller (impatiently)]

Give me Lafayette Zero-6, person-to-person with Mr. Carson King. That's King with a "K"

[Operator]

Oh, I got it. Have a good evening, and thank you, one moment...

[Phone ringing]

[King] Wrong number!

[Operator]

Carson King, please. Long distance calling...

[Caller (interrupting, angrily)]

Is this Mr. King? Is this Mr. Carson King??

[King]

Yeah, that's me. Who's this?

[Caller]

You dirty little shitheel!! I paid you 5 C's of my hard-earned cash, now look what you did!!

[King]

Who is this??

[Caller]

I paid you to bump off my wife, and then, then you...

[King]

Look man, I gotta check the file

[Caller]

Check the file

[King]

Yeah, target address?

[Caller]

4275 South Brooklyn Avenue, Apartment 42-C

[King (checking file)]

4275.....Uhhh...okay, okay....I got it. Let's see what we have...Uh, let's see

Target was attractive Caucasian woman, early thirties. Name:

Martha Lee

[Caller (very angry)]

Yeah, but you got the WRONG GIRL!!!

[King]

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Payment was made

Easy-pay credit plan, with monthly installments...

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, never mind all that! Look...

[King]

And we have...

[Caller]

Look, you motherf...

[King]

We have a completion report on the file, target was hit 7:15 PM

4275 South Brooklyn, Apartment 42-B

[Caller] NOT "B" YOU FOOL!!! IT WAS "C"!!! "C"!!! 42-C!! SO MY WIFE SCREWS AROUND WITH THIS GUY NEXT DOOR, AND THEN THE MONKEYS COME DOWN AND SHOVE HIS WIFE OUT THE WINDOW!!! HOW'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL?!?!

[King (calmly)]

Lookit, man, it says 42-B on the report. It’s not our fault

[Caller (sarcastically)]

It's not your fault! Well, I ain't paying!! HA!

So go ahead, sue me, hahaha!!!

[King(still calm)]

So, you're not gonna pay, huh?

[Caller]

I'm not paying!

[King]

Okay...uhhh. 42-C?

[Caller]

42-C, yeah, that's it, you got it...

[King]

Yeah, well, we'll be calling.... [click]

[dial tone]

[Caller]

Hey, wait a minute! Operator!! Hey, come on now! Operator!.....