I Can't Stand L. A.

Well I love New York like everyone,
And I go to Las Vegas to chill.
I like Denver, Colorado, 'cause it's so laid back,
And Chicago keeps it real.
Well I only leave Dallas when I have to,
But when I do, I like Tulsa OK,
And I ain't got nothing against California,
But I can't stand L.A.

Well Orlando, Florida, it's humid, but it's swell,
Austin and Nashville both freakin' rock, (Yes they do!)
And New Orleans is evil, but it's part of the appeal.
You can gamble, drink, and swear until you drop. (Handbag!)
The state of Ohio's been great to our band,
Along with Philly and Green Bay. (I like cheese)
I got nothin' but love for Hollywood,
But I can't stand L.A.

I like Salt Lake City,
Portland, Frisco, Sante Fe,
Indianapolis, Hartford too,
Boise, Memphis, Sioux Falls,
And of course, KC,
Along with Pittsburgh and Kalamazoo. (We've never been there!)
Atlanta is a home away from home,
And heres a shout out to Sauget. (We should take a moment to explain where Sauget is.)
Oh yeah, it's St. Louis.
And I wish my friends would leave that place,
'Cause I can't stand L.A.

Traffic sucks. No protected lefts. (Yeah, but road rage is so cool.)
Snooty fucks. Pollution fills the air. (Can I (?) smoke outside)
Gang fights. Seven dollar beer, (That fucking sucks!)
And the threat of breaking off into the sea.

And now to give Los Angeles the benefit of the doubt... (What?)

Jimmy Kimmel, In-N-Out, and great sushi,
And diversity everywhere.
Really hot chicks, wearing next to nothing,
And the Santa Monica pier.

Thank you for hair metal,
And the '84 Olympics,
And for BFS radio play.
Well, and please don't take this personally.
No I'm happy to visit, but I'm happier to leave,
And I guess what it is I'm trying to say is,
I can't stand L.A.