The Kids

[Intro: Mr. Mackey, Brian]

And everyone should get along

Okay, children, quiet down, quiet down

Children, I'd like to introduce our new substitute teacher for the day

His name is Mr. Shady

Children, quiet down, please

Brian, don't throw that (Shut up)

Mr. Shady will be your new substitute while Mr. Kaniff is out with pneumonia (He's got AIDS)

Good luck, Mr. Shady

[Verse 1: Mr. Shady, Brian]

Hi there, little boys and girls! (Fuck you)

Today we're gonna learn how to poison squirrels

But first, I'd like you to meet my friend Bob (Huh?)

Say hi, Bob ("Hi, Bob")

Bob's thirty and still lives with his mom

And he don't got a job 'cause Bob sits at home and smokes pot

But his twelve-year-old brother looks up to him an awful lot

And Bob likes to hang out at the local waffle spot

And wait in the parking lot for waitresses off the clock

When it's late and the lot gets dark and fake like he walks his dog

Drag 'em in the woods and go straight to the chopping block (Ahh)

And even if they escaped and they got the cops

The ladies would all be so afraid, they would drop the charge

'Til one night Mrs. Stacey went off the job

When she felt someone grab her whole face and said not to talk

But Stacey knew it was Bob and said, "Knock it off"

But Bob wouldn't knock it off, 'cause he's crazy and off his rocker

Crazier than Slim Shady is off the vodka

You couldn't even take him to Dre's to get Bob a doctor

He grabbed Stace by the legs as he chopped it off her

And dropped her off in the lake for the cops to find her

But ever since the day Stacey went off to wander

They never found her, and Bob still hangs at the waffle diner

And that's the story of Bob and his marijuana

And what it might do to you

So see if the squirrels want it—it's bad for you

[Chorus: Mr. Shady, Mr. Mackey]

See, children, drugs are bad (Come on)

And if you don't believe me, ask your dad (You can ask)

And if you don't believe him, ask your mom (That's right)

She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (She will)

So kids, say no to drugs (That's right)

So you don't act like everyone else does (Uh-huh)

And there's really nothin' else to say (Sing along)

Drugs are just bad, mmkay?

[Verse 2: Mr. Shady, Brian, Zach, Friend]

My penis is the size of a peanut, have you seen it?

Fuck no, you ain't seen it, it's the size of a peanut (Huh?)

Speakin' of peanuts, you know what else is bad for squirrels?

Ecstasy is the worst drug in the world

If someone ever offers it to you, don't do it

Kids, two hits'll probably drain all your spinal fluid

And spinal fluid is final, you won't get it back

So don't get attached, it'll attack every bone in your back

Meet Zach, twenty-one years old

After hangin' out with some friends at a frat party, he gets bold

And decides to try five when he's bribed by five guys

And peer pressure will win every time you try to fight it

Suddenly, he starts to convulse

And his pulse goes into hyperdrive

And his eyes roll back in his skull (Blblblblblb)

His back starts to look like the McDonald's Arches

He's on Donald's carpet, layin' horizontal, barfin' (Bleh)

And everyone in the apartment starts laughin' at him

"Hey, Adam, Zach is a jackass, look at him"

'Cause they took it too, so they think it's funny

So they're laughing at basically nothing, except maybe wasting their money

Meanwhile, Zach's in a coma, the action is over

And his back and his shoulders hunched up like he's practicin' yoga

And that's the story of Zach, the ecstasy maniac

So don't even feed that to squirrels, class, 'cause it's bad for you

[Chorus: Mr. Shady, Mr. Mackey]

See, children, drugs are bad (That's right)

And if you don't believe me, ask your dad (That's right)

And if you don't believe him, ask your mom (You can)

She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (She will)

So kids, say no to drugs (Smoke crack)

So you don't act like everyone else does (That's right)

And there's really nothin' else to say (Right on)

Drugs are just bad, mmkay?

[Verse 3: Mr. Shady, Claire, Student]

And last but not least, one of the most humongous

Problems among young people today is fungus

It grows from cow manure

They pick it out, wipe it off, bag it up

And you put it right in your mouth and chew it

Yum-yum, then you start to see some dumb stuff

And everything slows down when you eat some of 'em

And sometimes, you see things that aren't there (Like what?)

Like fat women in G-strings with orange hair

(Mr. Shady, what's a G-string?) It's yarn, Claire

Women stick 'em up their behinds, go out and wear 'em (Huh?)

And if you swallow too much of the magic mushrooms

Whoops, did I say 'magic mushrooms?' I meant fungus

Your tongue gets all swollen up like a cow's tongue

(How come?) 'Cause it comes from a cow's dung (Gross)

See, drugs are bad, it's a common fact

But your mom and dad know that's all that I'm good at (Eh?)

But don't be me, 'cause if you grow up and you go and OD

They're gonna come for me, and I'ma have to grow a goatee

And get a disguise and hide, 'cause it'll be my fault

So don't do drugs, and do exactly as I don't, 'cause I'm bad for you

[Chorus: Mr. Shady, Mr. Mackey]

See, children, drugs are bad (Uh-huh)

And if you don't believe me, ask your dad (Put that down)

And if you don't believe him, ask your mom (You can ask)

She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (And she will)

So kids, say no to drugs (Say no)

So you don't act like everyone else does (Like I do)

And there's really nothin' else to say (That's right)

Drugs are just bad, mmkay?

[Outro: Mr. Mackey, Kids, Brian, Student]

Come on, children, clap along (Shut up)

Sing along, children (Suck my motherfuckin' dick)

Come on, clap along

Drugs are just bad, drugs are just bad (South Park is gonna sue me)

So don't do drugs (Kiss my motherfuckin' ass)

So there'll be more for me (Hippie, goddamn it)

(Mushrooms killed Kenny)

(Uh, the fart button's on) (Ew, ahh)

La la la (So fucked up right now)