Gammon

I’m the deep sea diving champion of the zodiac

And here's a tantalizing glimpse into the future you’ll never have

You clap when your flight lands

You clap at the end of films

You struggle with technology

And you blame this on the instructions

You’ve got a food hygiene rating of 4

You google, "Google"

You’re shouting in English at Spaniards in Spain

I’m substituting sugar substitutes for sugar

When I "buy one, get one free," I just eat them both quicker

The veins in your forehead pulse to a rhythm in decline

Sweating like a pig on question time

I’m caramelizing onions with prosecco

Dressed up like a pound shop pharaoh

You’ve got a cag in a bag

You’ve got a bad back when you go like this

Well, don’t go like this, just stop

Getting your knickers in a twist, you racist

I’m a downward facing dog

I’m the diamond heist scene in Rififi

I consume data intravenously

But it doesn’t make me happy

My work colleagues' children call their teacher, "Gavin
"

He’s got a salmon shirt with a white collar

That clashes with his skin tone

Of gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

Gammon

I’m thinking of switching my utilities provider

I’m surfing the web on a dial-up modem

I’m on a dial-up modem

I’m on a dial-up modem

I’m surfing the web on a dial-up modem

Pure evil vibrating

Pure evil vibrating

Pure evil vibrating

Pure evil vibrating