Headlights

Mom, I know I let you down
And though you say the days are happy
Why is the power off and I'm fucked up?
And, mom, I know he's not around
But don't you place the blame on me
As you pour yourself another drink, yeah

I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night, I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

I went in headfirst, never thinkin' about who, what I said hurt
In what verse, my mom probably got it the worst
The brunt of it, but as stubborn as we are, did I take it too far?
"Cleanin' Out My Closet" and all them other songs
But regardless, I don't hate you 'cause, Ma
You're still beautiful to me, 'cause you're my Ma

Though far be it from you to be calm
Our house was Vietnam, Desert Storm
And both of us put together could form an atomic bomb
Equivalent to chemical warfare
And forever we could drag this on and on

But agree to disagree, that gift for me
Up under the Christmas tree don't mean shit to me
You're kickin' me out? It's 15 degrees
And it's Christmas Eve, "Little prick, just leave"
Ma, let me grab my fucking coat
Anything to have each other's goats
Why we always at each other's throats?
Especially when Dad, he fucked us both

We're in the same fuckin' boat
You'd think that'd make us close (nope)
Further away it drove us, but together, headlights shine
And a car full of belongings, still got a ways to go
Back to grandma's house, it's straight up the road

And I was the man of the house, the oldest
So my shoulders carried the weight of the load
Then Nate got taken away by the state at eight years old
And that's when I realized you were sick
And it wasn't fixable or changeable
And to this day we remain estranged, and I hate it though, but

I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night, I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

'Cause to this day we remain estranged, and I hate it though
'Cause you ain't even get to witness your grandbabies grow
But I'm sorry, momma, for "Cleanin' Out My Closet"
At the time I was angry, rightfully? Maybe so
Never meant that far to take it though

'Cause now I know it's not your fault, and I'm not makin' jokes
That song I no longer play at shows
And I cringe every time it's on the radio
And I think of Nathan being placed in a home
And all the medicine you fed us and
How I just wanted you to taste your own

But now the medication's takin' over
And your mental state's deterioratin' slow
And I'm way too old to cry, the shit is painful though
But, Ma, I forgive you, so does Nathan, yo
All you did, all you said, you did your best to raise us both
Foster care, that cross you bear, few may be as heavy as yours
But I love you, Debbie Mathers
Oh, what a tangled web we have 'cause

One thing I never asked was
Where the fuck my deadbeat dad was
Fuck it, I guess he had trouble keepin' up with every address
But I'da flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus
Owned a collection of maps
And followed my kids to the edge of the atlas
If someone ever moved 'em from me
That you coulda bet your asses
If I had to come down the chimney, dressed as Santa, kidnap 'em

And although one has only met their grandma once
You pulled up in our drive one night
As we were leavin' to get some hamburgers
Me, her and Nate, we introduced you, hugged you
And as you left I had this overwhelming sadness
Come over me as we pulled off to go our separate paths and
I saw your headlights as I looked back
And I'm mad I didn't get the chance to
Thank you for being my mom and my dad

So, mom, please accept this as a
Tribute, I wrote this on the jet, I guess I had to
Get this off my chest, I hope I get the chance to
Lay it 'fore I'm dead, the stewardess said to fasten
My seatbelt, I guess we're crashin'
So, if I'm not dreamin', I hope you get this message that
I will always love you from afar, 'cause you're my mom

I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night, I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

I want a new life (start over)
One without a cause (clean slate)
So I'm coming home tonight (yeah)
Well, no matter what the cost
And if the plane goes down
Or if the crew can't wake me up
Well, just know that I'm alright
I was not afraid to die

Oh, even if there's songs to sing
Well, my children will carry me
Just know that I'm alright
I was not afraid to die
Because I put my faith in my little girls
So I'll never say goodbye cruel world
Just know that I'm alright
I am not afraid to die

I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night, I drive on
Maybe we took this too far
I want a new life