Rootless

I pulled up my own roots
Tore each fibre from the compost
For fear of stagnation

Picking encrusted blu tac from the back of crumpled photos
Folding yellowed tape over the corners
To stick them somewhere new

Drinking red wine in the bath together
Pretending the speckled mould is a constellation
Filthy lino
Our names carved into the table
Unstable
Breaking
Blood and dirt and bones and mud on unwashed sheets

I became one of the lost boys
That tried to carve a home in me
For whom I made myself hollow
And left once I was empty
Now I'm knocking at the doors
To which I used to have the key
Craving and evading
Craving and evading

Taps from the flat across the hall
High ceilings, single glazing
The sky constantly changing
Skeletal plane trails reminding
Gritty sheets from dirty paws
The smell of heated dog hair from the hoover
Smashed glass glittering in the street lamp
Tall men and mountains
Bracing then embracing the wind
Plunging into icy water
Damp hair and spreading heat

A mattress in the back of a van
Rain on the roof
The moon through the leaves
Waking with the dappled light
Entangled limbs
Jigsaw pieces

I can't absorb the rain directly from the sky
I'm desperately thirsty but it passes too quickly
It takes time for strangers to mean something
I think of tables I have sat around
I'm homesick for somewhere that I've never been
Nostalgic for memories I have yet to make
I warned you that I'm restless
That I'll refuse to settle for less
If I can even settle at all

I'm scared I might be shrinking
Limp and pale
Craving and evading
Craving and evading