Trauma

[Verse] Maybe I just feel this shit more than most Maybe I've been tryna find my way out of this hole Haven't talked to Mom, it's been a year For all I know she could be dead And I'd be lyin' if I said there ain't relief in thinkin' that Love has been a delicate dance, I never learned well Don't know how to act havin' money, I never earned well Feels like if I don't fuck it up then the world will Did all that I set out to do, why do I hurt still? It seems the further I get the more I close Wall's off to anybody who wants to know me Outsidе of this persona grata I try to show I could post a reel but it's probably the furthest from rеal, yo It isn't all about the number's and the glitz And we always say what life ain't but don't know what it is I don't know what I'm chasin' or tryin' to prove Put another bandage on a bullet hole to fix the wound Just consumed with these thoughts tryna fight 'em off I quit the drugs but the biggest addiction is that inner dialogue The vulnerability, the path to real connection But I'm stressed and I don't want to open up to anybody Especially those I have to trust I've been burnt already once, twice, fuck it, a hundred But always thought that was a normal life Because it's normal right? For you to grow up thinkin' you're the only one you can depend on after all these nights alone Police on the phone Either brothers suicide attempts or your mom's overdosed Four dad's came and went Either disappeared or died from the bottle they were sinkin' in Even then you still justify it like it's okay Bein' ignored and when you do, well you feel ashamed 'Cause they got real problems How the fuck do you complain? Now if someone says you're important, you just pull away I know the trauma isn't always how the big things affected It's silent little cuts in the soul that get neglected Piled up and collected while you didn't pay attention And expect it to be dealt with But instead they just became the foundation that you built on The blueprint is still wrong Like why the fuck I act this way? I didn't realize I'm like a walking pattern I'll never solve Wrecking ball, destroyin' anybody who gets involved It doesn't always show in obvious ways Hides underneath the surface, slowly causing a change And it's hard to see the way it influenced your shape When it's not the brush or the canvas or the colors It's the way you paint Always thought I was a hopeless case But it's the programming I was programmed with to keep me safe Safety doesn't always leave room to grow When you only feel safe in this world alone That's abandonment and I still can't admit The shit that happened as a kid might've played the biggest hand in this How I carve pride out of the fact I had to do this on my own but it's the only way I can It's the only way I'm comfortable I dress it up and market it The more I represent it, the more these people applaudin' it The more I get applauded, the more I get that conviction But the love for what I do doesn't fix what I was missin' Just hopin' that somebody would notice and they would ask how I'm doin' But they didn't so I put it in these raps But wanted someone to listen Wanted someone to care Didn't get it at home so I searched in a career And my life got caught up Thinkin' that I've thought up These thoughts that I've got but stop It's all trauma [Chorus] It's all trauma It's all trauma The things you own makes you, you Makes them go I don't want to go down that road I've been down that road before It's all trauma The things you own makes you, you Makes them go I don't want to go down that road It's the only road I know