Trauma

[Verse]

Maybe I just feel this shit more than most

Maybe I've been tryna find my way out of this hole

Haven't talked to Mom, it's been a year

For all I know she could be dead

And I'd be lyin' if I said there ain't relief in thinkin' that

Love has been a delicate dance, I never learned well

Don't know how to act havin' money, I never earned well

Feels like if I don't fuck it up then the world will

Did all that I set out to do, why do I hurt still?

It seems the further I get the more I close

Wall's off to anybody who wants to know me

Outsidе of this persona grata I try to show

I could post a reel but it's probably the furthest from rеal, yo

It isn't all about the number's and the glitz

And we always say what life ain't but don't know what it is

I don't know what I'm chasin' or tryin' to prove

Put another bandage on a bullet hole to fix the wound

Just consumed with these thoughts tryna fight 'em off

I quit the drugs but the biggest addiction is that inner dialogue

The vulnerability, the path to real connection

But I'm stressed and I don't want to open up to anybody

Especially those I have to trust

I've been burnt already once, twice, fuck it, a hundred

But always thought that was a normal life

Because it's normal right?

For you to grow up thinkin' you're the only one you can depend on after all these nights alone

Police on the phone

Either brothers suicide attempts or your mom's overdosed

Four dad's came and went

Either disappeared or died from the bottle they were sinkin' in

Even then you still justify it like it's okay

Bein' ignored and when you do, well you feel ashamed

'Cause they got real problems

How the fuck do you complain?

Now if someone says you're important, you just pull away

I know the trauma isn't always how the big things affected

It's silent little cuts in the soul that get neglected

Piled up and collected while you didn't pay attention

And expect it to be dealt with

But instead they just became the foundation that you built on

The blueprint is still wrong

Like why the fuck I act this way? I didn't realize

I'm like a walking pattern I'll never solve

Wrecking ball, destroyin' anybody who gets involved

It doesn't always show in obvious ways

Hides underneath the surface, slowly causing a change

And it's hard to see the way it influenced your shape

When it's not the brush or the canvas or the colors

It's the way you paint

Always thought I was a hopeless case

But it's the programming I was programmed with to keep me safe

Safety doesn't always leave room to grow

When you only feel safe in this world alone

That's abandonment and I still can't admit

The shit that happened as a kid might've played the biggest hand in this

How I carve pride out of the fact

I had to do this on my own but it's the only way I can

It's the only way I'm comfortable

I dress it up and market it

The more I represent it, the more these people applaudin' it

The more I get applauded, the more I get that conviction

But the love for what I do doesn't fix what I was missin'

Just hopin' that somebody would notice and they would ask how I'm doin'

But they didn't so I put it in these raps

But wanted someone to listen

Wanted someone to care

Didn't get it at home so I searched in a career

And my life got caught up

Thinkin' that I've thought up

These thoughts that I've got but stop

It's all trauma

[Chorus]

It's all trauma

It's all trauma

The things you own makes you, you

Makes them go

I don't want to go down that road

I've been down that road before

It's all trauma

The things you own makes you, you

Makes them go

I don't want to go down that road

It's the only road I know