Twenty Dried Chilies

Done with walking days

I would rather on the couch watching TV

Twenty in a row, drying out chillies

I recall when you were a teenager

I wanted to be just like you

Play guitar and sing along and run the school

Now you’re turning twenty-seven

And I don’t know you anymore

I’m at a loss at what happens in this world

It is a cruel sensation, remembering I am human

And I’m prone to accidents of heart

I regret sending you that email where I said wanted to kill you

When I meant is that long to feel you are still someone that I know well like I used to

It is painful to age

And I’m watching Leon tell me he is suffering too

At your hands gladly slipping away

He says he is at a loss, he never knew this cruelty existed

And he lost his country, and he knows what it means to fear for your life

And he’s never cruelty like this, he wonders is it pathological

Have I asked a psychiatrist what might be wrong with you and I have and we don’t know

Maybe it’s something to do with your personality

And I think I’ve always known it

Somewhere deep inside I knew

There was no trusting you

And Leon told me Niko threw you out of a pushchair

Intentionally to display his manliness

And you hit your head on the concrete and cried

And Leon stood there amazed

What to do? What, to take you away as a toddler?

He said there’s no way to blame him

Niko’s also bruised, he didn’t know how to share my mother’s love for you

So, we’re brought back to toxic masculinity

And I don’t like to label everyone, but it seems that runs in my family

With pride and rage and dignity

I’m sorry I’m angry, too

I told you I wanted to kill you

But, I’m only afraid