Funeral Rites

When I was a child, my mother died

Seeing her beautiful face in the open casket and kissing her red lips to say goodbye left a haunting memory, a deep longing, a terrible fear of abandonment

I would follow my father everywhere, reminding him that if he ever died, I wanted to be buried with him

I became fascinated with cemeteries, I was not afraid of death because I knew this was the only way I could be with my mother again

As life went on, I lost many people that I loved dearly and came to look at death as a kind of doorway to eternal life

Even when my lovers left me, I saw it as a kind of death

When they'd hurt me I would have a ritualistic burial for them

I would bury my fear of abandonment before it could overtake me

I found solace visiting other people's graves, trying to connect to the souls of all the lost ones

I wanted to reassure them that they were not alone

None of us are

We are all married to God

That's what sister Teresa used to always say to me

I am the bride of Christ, I am the bride of love

This sounded so romantic to me

I imagined I could tell her all my deepest secrets

Bury your fear

"Bury your fear"

She would say to me then she would take my hand and we would walk amongst the dead under the light of the full moon